I once wrote a blog post how your ideas have a life span of 24 hours or less. They die after that. Whether you write them down or not, and regardless of how relevant they still are to your readers, or how sublime the idea is;
You either have to execute immediately.
Or don’t bother, and just let the idea go.
Because ideas don’t stick around until you make time for them, and your note will just be hollow words. There is no life in them. Many believe the spirit moves on to another artist.
One who isn’t so careless with them.
I was clearing out my main notebook that contains all my ideas for existing blogs, random notes, and insights I don’t have a purpose for, to those that are extremely relevant.
One insight would have been perfect for a project I abandoned months ago.
Because just like the writing down of ideas gives this great sense of accomplishment – even when I know from experience I just signed the idea’s death verdict – some of my projects die on me as well. Without me knowing, and still high on a comparable feeling of accomplishment that I’m running such a great program or creating such an awesome project.
In this case, the particular note would have been perfect for my late video bundle;
The Good Mistress – move UP!
from being powerless to feeling amazing, loved and FREE in 30 days.
If the program had not gotten cancelled.
The Good Mistress was a classic example of me gloriously failing to notice something had died on me.
First I managed to miss the severity, true meaning, of me not making videos. Even though I had pages full of ideas for new videos, and I m sure I had the time as well, I was buying into all kinds of excuses making myself think I would pick it up tomorrow. And tomorrow. Next week. Next month. I even made a video at some point, acknowledging the delay, but ensuring that The Good Mistress would be up and running soon.
But of course it never did.
Then, when finally after months I realized The Good Mistress had died on me, I cancelled it and came up with some valid reasons but in retrospect is was so no NOT the real reason!
Video not my medium?
Course too long?
But the real reason was that the circumstances that had sparked this course, had profoundly changed… I no longer felt like a Good Mistress. I didn’t feel like a mistress at all.
Because as a backlash to the best sex ever, or maybe as a seasonal thing because this pattern is familiar to me from previous years, the man whose mistress I was, Mister Big, pulled back.
Not in a mean way.
There wasn’t anything provocative, manipulative or unkind about it.
It probably wasn’t even about me.
But where our communication would normally lead to a sexual encounter, it now ended with six weeks of not seeing each other, followed by a platonic date. No wonder I was incapable of continuing the Good Mistress project. I felt a lousy and frustrated mistress.
Convinced that the platonic date would soon lead to a more fruitful encounter, I talked myself out of feeling too bad about it. I was pretty sure the waiting was over now.
Until another two months of not seeing each other followed and I seriously started to doubt my status, and everything I thought I had been doing right.
Eventually we had a date that was private enough, and long enough for me to give him a blowjob, but insufficient for me to warm up to real sex. Maybe it was because I needed time, hours, attention, to defrost from all the neglect, but I couldn’t feel any life down there. My libido seemed to have gone into hibernation,
It’s almost been three and a half months since we had the best sex of my life anyway, and I started my Good Mistress program to enthusiastically share what I knew. Wisdom that apparently still needed some finetuning.
I still don’t know if the great sex, and the deep intimacy, were in any way linked to the sweet but quiet months after. Science says yes. True intimacy is able to scare a man away. This may be especially true if you are just the mistress and he is cheating on his wife. It can easily disrupt the delicate equilibrium of his guilt management.
But I say no.
Mister Big doesn’t work like that.
From what I can tell he needs the thrill of it all, and the higher the stakes, the more he gets from it. His friendly and nice messages – he hasn’t neglected me attention wise ever since – confirm that. He feels warmly towards me, and the intimacy has not scared him.
I found two notes, clearing out my notebooks.
The first was a success formula for being a good mistress. Or good in any relationship, in my opinion. It was something I had planned to use in the Good Mistress program.
“To be happy you must always deeply respect your (sexual) partner and ignore, accept or even cherish the sides that are not compatible.”
The second note was specific to my current situation, and to Mister Big and me not having had a proper date or real sex for a long time.
“I trust Big has his reasons for not seeing me much.
And I trust that he has his reasons for not sharing why that is.”
I was right thinking 30 Days was too long a training, to become a Good Mistress. One word is enough;
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
My books are available internationally, at my Lulu store +
in Nederland doet Boekhandel de Feeks de distributie
Het boek van de maand oktober is de jaren 80 coming of age novelle Mango
Mango staat tijdelijk gratis online & is op voorraad bij de Feeks (Nijmegen + webshop).
Op woensdag 22 november geef ik om 19.00 (SHARP!) een lezing in de Feeks, boekhandel in de van Welderenstraat Nijmegen, over Mango en 22 erotische verhalen.
yogales in Nijmegen; M Yoga.