It wasn’t really about sex as a genital experience. It was about sex as revelation, illumination of connection amid chaos.
Charlotte Shane – Prostitute Laundry
Lauren is still involved with Mr.Big, a married man. And in the lee of her planned out workweek, she starts to understand the underlying dynamics of their affair. And all the forces that seem to be working in her favor.
Monday November 27, 2017
t’s Monday morning, and in the wake of my epiphany to focus on my White Tigress and The Mistress work, I already feel accomplished.
I still suffer from insecurity though.
For days on end, many socially awkward things happened. Which I did not share because it had made me insecure and I didn’t want to give them more power than they already had.
Or maybe I didn’t want to verbalize them until I knew what their common demeanor was.
What lesson could be learned.
In retrospect I think it was just a sign I did not have clarity yet, that I should speak ONLY about those two topics.
White Tigress and Mistress.
And the rest of my writing will just have to sell itself. Or not. It’s completely irrelevant if it does or doesn’t.
I’m on my self-imposed weekday fasting from writing, but obviously that’s only working marginally. I’ve closed down my Twitter and I ll limit myself to diary entries like this one.
But nevertheless ideas keep flowing.
Yesterday I wrote the first chapter to my Dutch Mistress work,but this morning ideas for the upcoming chapters just fell into my lap.
I immediately scribbled them down in my notebook.
One of the key insights is how the love triangle, formed by the mistress, the man, and his spouse, may be the most important reason these types of affairs can last that long. I ve heard of liaisons lasting for decades.
They ve definitely seemed harder to break.
It’s like this triangular formation has its own will to live. Just like groups do.
That’s why group dynamics are so strong because the group uses any means nessecary to survive. It doesn’t accommodate the needs of the individual members; its primal concern is the survival of the group.
This could be the case in our love triangle.
It’s a separate entity, and one we all feed with our energy, both positive and negative. A fight between my lover and his wife will be absorbed by the triangle, just as swiftly as our last full-on session making love.
Which was months ago, unfortunately.
But it was never something I interpreted as a sign to doubt the strength of what we were having.
Seems now, I was right.
Thursday December 7
This is probably the messiest diary in the history of memoirs.
I have a notebook filled with breakthrough thoughts that changed my life for the better over the past ten days. Five pages of scribbling on my night with muse Rafael. And two on what the upcoming chapter of my Dutch book Maitresse (Mistress) should be about.
Oh, and I have a personal rule in place which makes diary writing on weekdays a mortal sin against being a fulltime yoga teacher. It’s simply not allowed.
And then what do I do?
I come to you with a new insight, on a moment I should be writing for my yogabiz. And I m forsaking all my other self-imposed rules such as keeping this diary organized and to log events in the correct chronological order.
So let this be messy.
And let it be quick.
But yesterday I got such a profound extra insight in the mental makeup of a Good Mistress – and key to why I thrive at this relationship form when it would simply destroy most women.
The key is; powerplay.
It started when I was explaining to a friend how I had chosen the Dutch title Maitresse, over the word Minnares (both translate to Mistress in English).
I said I thought they meant the same, although technically Maitresse may be exclusive to mistresses who are kept/ financially supported. He said that I should look that up, because the remarkable thing about my life’s choice was that there was no financial gain of any kind.
I was totally independent.
So I did. I Googled the two Dutch words Maitresse and Minnares, to see if there was a difference. There wasn’t. But I did read one of the articles describing the relationship between a mistress and her lover, and the title just clicked;
“Being a mistress; He dominates.”
I ll be damned!
Now, I ve never made a secret about my preference to be dominated in bed. In fact, being spoiled rotten the last three years with Mr.Big, I m pretty sure I ve reached the stage where I m no longer able to have sex if it doesn’t include me getting play raped, and getting my boundaries pushed or even violated in the most delicious, intrusive way imaginable.
It reminds me of a game I used to play within my long-term relationship. God that seems like a lifetime ago.. But he realized I would do anything, any assignment, if he said it was (roughly translated) a “horny assignment”.
From taking out the trash to buying a porno dvd for him; it truly didn’t matter. As long as he said I had to do it, and that it was a horny assignment.
And my current lover Mr.Big and me, have always been very aware that me wanting to be ordered around, and him wanting to be dominant, was a golden match in the bedroom. Probably the reason why we don’t get enough of each other. We could become one of those mistress/ lover couples that last a lifetime, simply because we’ve both been so hungry for this. Now I shouldn’t speak for him of course. And I do give him credit for being a talented adjuster to whatever is required. His sexuality, what he will do with you, is a mirror image of what the woman desires. But having said that, I do have strong indicators that being dominant is at the core of who he is.
And I simply know that being submissive -in a non-leathery BDSM kind of way-is who I am. Sure, I can do versatile, I can do dominant. But it’s merely killing time until something or someone better comes along.
It’s a favor. Not true love.
Mr.Big and me have always been aware of this powerplay in the bedroom, but I had never realized the extra marital relationship itself had this pull on me, for exactly the same reason.
That being his secret lover was working the same submissive kink.
Over the years I ve been able to identify many strong and unusual preferences in myself, either sexually or relationship wise. But I had managed to miss this one.
In the late nineties, I was fan of Eric Roberts. He’s almost like the wicked (and definitely more interesting) twin to Julia Roberts. Except that they re not twins. He’s her estranged brother. But wicked he is.
In an interview he talked about his marriage, and he said that the key to a good marriage was that he was dominant in the bedroom.
Everything else his wife could have.
But in the bedroom the roles were traditionally divided.
I read this, and although I liked the idea of giving myself totally to Eric Roberts, there was something unsettling about it. Maybe it’s even the reason that after two decades I still remember him having said that in the first place. Something, in this recipi for a good marriage, turned me off… But what was it?
Now I know what it was; that a real sub needs a partner to be dominant all of the time. I don’t want anything to say, period.
And there is a reason for that!
Because pain, in the broadest sense of the word, arouses me.
For example; I like that Mr.Big has sex with other women. It turns me on. But the real reason it turns me on, is because it hurts.
I do feel the pain of being apart, or of having to spend important days without him. It does hurt me less than it would to other people, because I do have a giant inner-hermit. She’s the one who writes, and cares little for company.
But sure, she’d love to put down her pen to play sex slave to Mr.Big, far more often than she does now. But all in all, being alone from New Years day, and all other holidays from there on forth? It’s not affecting me the way it could be expected.
There this masochistic sweetness in the pain of not being his first.
Of not being his priority.
But even when that pain can no longer be tied to pleasure, and the uncomfortable starts to feel like the unbearable, and a wounded ego roars its ugly head, demanding to be looked after. Demanding a man of her own.
Something else comes into play. And it’s exactly the mechanism that makes a real BDSM slave take more pain, and endure more humiliation.
Like a fucking God.
The knowledge that you, a consenting submissive, cannot be harmed. That physical or mental pain makes you stronger. Both types of pain do the same thing; They make you turn inside. They’re like mental silent seclusion. You have nowhere to solve this, but inside.
Either you find a way to neutralize this pain, and refind your calm, or you bail out and the game is over.
Sure I can go find a man for myself, who will stop hurting me and will attend to all my needs. To all my superficial needs anyway. But come on! In the end, my need to be challenged, and the euphoria of being able to go so far beyond what used to be my limits – is much bigger than my desire to have someone with me on Christmas eve.
They say it is never the dominant who is in charge. It is the submissive. The dominant is the one working his or her ass off in order to please the submissive.
Sometimes it’s a paid relationship; the dominant mistress gets paid to hurt and abuse the paying client.
But even when it’s a coincidental pairing, where like I said no one gets paid and we have no financial ties, I feel like I m the one getting so much out of this.
Every minute he’s not with me, is either a chance to feel intrigued, and be turned on or it is an opportunity to grow. To learn to act confidently, face whatever dark thought or self-doubt is triggered this time.
And give it a fucking wink.
You can find my 10 books in my shop.
standard 25% off!! (my gift to you)
recommended for UK and US readers, the book about my affair with Mr.Big;
Big, erotica and diaries (2017)
aanbevolen boek NL:
Witte Tijgerin +
Het boek Benjamin, verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
Het verzameld werk is inclusief Big- het Engelstalige dagboek over mijn affaire met Mr.Big
Witte Tijgerin (€5) en Het Boek Benjamin (€45) zijn ook te koop bij de Feeks
Zij regelen ook de online bestellingen.
Als je yogales bij me volgt in Nijmegen kan ik het ook voor je meenemen naar de les.