One of my earliest Twitter bios said:
“Yoga teacher by day. Cougar by night. Writer 24/7″
I am no longer a yoga teacher, since I don’t teach public classes. And I have my writing reasonably under control, but this can also be because my love life has been non-existent since the breakup.
It’s not that hard not to write if you don’t have much to tell.
But the one I ve digressed from the most, is cougar. I no longer see myself dating anyone under 40
And I ve known this for years.
If my affair with Mr.Big established one thing, it’s that it converted me from a cougar into someone who will probably never date men younger than her, ever again.
Today, my morning and early afternoon was busy. But for the afternoon I had accepted an invitation to go to the movies and have a drink.
The person who had invited me had been surprised that I had accepted, and I said this may have been because I used to hold off social appointments during office hours.
It conflicted with my idea of “preparing” myself for a daytime job.
“But I hold a different view on that now,” I concluded.
Not to mention that I always work on weekends, so if I was serious about working office hours, I would also have to quit at some point.
But originally I had thought working hard for my own business, eight hours a day net, would be great for my confidence. Knowing that the transition between having been an entrepreneur (I m still an entrepreneur, more on that later) and a payroll job, would be a smooth one, since I had already been keeping office hours.
But it turned out to be the opposite.
A payroll job is a social thing. It will nourish me in a way working from home doesn’t.
I had this resolution to make good use of my final weeks of freedom and work on my publishing business and my online yoga. But I just can’t make myself…
It all feels so terribly wrong.
But if I can’t make myself work on my business now, with ample time, how will I possibly do that in the future?
Where does my online yoga, my writing under my real name as well as under this name;
Where does it all belong in my new life?
Or is this hesitation a sign that it really does not belong at all?
I think I have been asking myself this question for a long time. About where my writing, biz, and purpose fit. Like a buzz in my head, an annoying background noise.
But after noticing today, how quickly I had been to “sacrifice” what could have been a productive afternoon, I see that I’m just recovering from all the years of writing and solitude. Maybe even from the five years of being with my lover.
That my resistance around setting up my new business, publishing my books, and even doing yoga, doesn’t have anything to do with me not being an entrepreneur.
But with having maxed out on my loneliness quota.
I need to replenish and restore with ample of social context.
I don’t know how long it will take before I pick up consistently running my businesses and publishing my books. But I do see that self-care needs to be an absolute top priority, from now on. And for the first time in my life really.
So for example when I start working, I will not cram my evenings with running my business. When I m off, I m off.
The only thing I will be doing is yoga, men over 40, and write.
Because that is the one thing from that 2010 tagline that didn’t change:
I m still a writer 24/7
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living