Categorie archief: Big Mistress

How a wish to get hooked made me recreate my life

fall in ,love{ originally posted 2017 }

It could have been a productive Monday, if only I had stuck to my plan. But instead of creating new yoga classes and online videos, I wasted it watching dating advice.
I was coaxed into this from two sides.
One was via YouTube.

While watching Yoga with Adriene videos (which I use for my classes and online program) I was only two clicks away from watching my favorite dating coach who had a stash of easily digestible six minute videos.
And the other seduction was my InBox.
Being a pro at procrastination I had decided this Monday was the perfect day to purge my email box, and I stumbled upon two links this dating coach had sent me, because I am on her mailing list.
And I knew that despite their promising titles they would turn out to be empty sales pitches. And that if I clicked the external link to “The one thing men want” or “The three magic questions that will melt any man” that I would lose half an hour or more on a video that did not have a fast forward button or any other option to cut to the chase.
I would have to suffer through all the way-too-familiar stories about men withdrawing and losing interest, and real life examples of the women who managed to change his mind just in time using the technique they had learned from the Method You Could Buy For Only $149 If You Ordered Immediately.
Naturally The one thing men want as well as The three magic questions would not be in the free video.
Being well aware of all this, the fact that I still clicked probably illustrated how desperate I was for the magic pill to my love life, to be distracted from my yoga work, or both. Although I must admit one video did actually give some valuable insights, which I diligently wrote down with the intention to learn them by heart.
This would help to get our affair through this critical stage.
It wasn’t like we were fighting. Initially I had not even noticed something had changed because he gave me just enough attention not to get too worried. But when I had started looking back, and realized I was barely seeing him anymore, my perspective changed.
I could see the best-sex-of-my-life early summer and then him putting me on hold, or as I called it; in sansevieria mode.
I was given just enough water to stay alive.
That’s when I realized I could not afford any mistakes. I would have to stay calm, and use the few moments he contacted me extremely well. Maybe even better than “well”. Maybe I needed to learn new tricks and put more thought into exactly which strategy I was going to use to turn the next little spark of attention into a blazing desire for me.

I even checked my agenda to see if I could block out time to do a training about men that I still had not finished, and that I would probably have to redo completely by now..
No wonder I was losing him!

I had gotten sloppy. And if there is one thing, a secret mistress to a successful business man with complicated marital status and a stressful family situation cannot afford, it’s getting sloppy.
Good thing I found this free video in my email! Just in time! And from now on upleveling my dating skills would be at the top of my agenda.
That is until I thought;
Wait. Just. A. Bloody. Minute.
You see, ten years ago, I ended a long-term relationship because I wanted to start dating. And this was a personal mission for me, because I was haunted by fears that really didn’t allow for any sexual activity with anyone who was not screened inside and out and back. And yet that’s exactly what I desired on an emotional level;
To fall in love with men who were intriguing, borderline untrustworthy.

I knew I was done with garden variety men and the relationships they had to offer.
I wanted adventure.
In order to get myself in the mental shape to be able to enjoy this, I had to overcome a ton of deeply rooted fears, and reinvent myself several times. But every time a new man entered my life, I would catch up more quickly, speeding up the process till I could enjoy his company, until finally – eight years after I had become single – I met my current lover; Mr.Big.
Mr.Big was so high up there on my Scary-As-Fuck scale that the only way to get involved with him, was to root out the last of the fears and phobias that I was still carrying with me.
Mr.Big was the big fat price God put there for me, once I had reached the level of sexual “ease” (this word would make Mr.Big laugh, since he thinks I m the most high maintenance thing out there) I wanted.

And now here I was, almost three years into our affair. And I was seriously considering to block out time, learn new skills, and study the psyche of his species in depth, in order to miraculously turn Mr.Big’s faint interest in me, into something spectacularly wild and fresh.
One thing I have always been really good at, and I do praise myself for this, is before you invest a shitload of money, time and effort, to think about all the things you could also be doing with that investment.
For example: I spend about €50 a week on going out. That’s € 200 a month. Would I rather do this, or spend €200 a month on clothes, save it for a holiday, anything else?
I think €200 a month is a fantastic investment because it’s money invested in seeing friends, movies, having a social life or even a LIFE. I spend a lot of time at home because of Little Cat who does considerably better if I am around. So I am. And for the remaining time of his life, I will never leave him alone for the night anymore.
So the €200 is the price of having a life outside of home. That’s a bargain.
Same with breaking up my long-term relationship and investing all those years overcoming my fears and dating; Good investment. I am now the woman I was set out to be.
But investing hours every day worrying, studying, and luring in, a man who is not even mine to begin with? Someone who, should he choose for me, would cause a lot of grief with his loved ones? There is no way to win that. And no way to justify that investment.
And that’s counting outside the more general worry that it might not be wise idea to invest in someone else, especially not at any moment he or she is not (yet) committed to you. Using the “What else could I be doing with these resources?” line of reasoning, you could acquire anything assuming you would throw the amount of resources at it that I was about to spend on our affair.
Instead of figuring out the three magical questions that would turn his heart to jelly, or how I can make him reclaim his position as the best lover I ever had, I have better things to do.
Just like ten years ago, when I had a clear vision of who I wanted to become – a path that was not tied to any man in particular – I am again putting all my cards on me.
Not on him.

And I tore the pages out of my diary, the notes on how to solve my man trouble. I tossed them out and rewrote;
“I know exactly what I need to do. Fall in love with me. Focus and fuss over my own emotions and mental patterns. Not his. Decide on how I want my life, business and body to look like, and invest everything I ve got into the relationship I ve got with ME.”
So in the end, it was an important and useful Monday, after all.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

How a wish to get hooked made me recreate my life will be published in my new book:
Big Mistress
confessions from the other woman

To read new posts and updates follow Twitter;
or subscribe to my diary HERE

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My advice on making babies

BW-1425CosLately I ve been witness to several women who may remain childless, not because they want to get the most out of their sex life slash love life slash soap opera worthy life – as I do, although “porn movie worthy life” would probably be a more accurate description – but because they cannot find the right man.

Some will say it as simple as that:
I want children but I can’t find the right man
Some will keep it up in the air:
I would like to have children if the right man comes along
And with some the man is a phantom, who-shall-not-be-named:
*soft sigh*
“Oh well, I would just looove to have children too.”
*soft sigh again*

What I have learned in all those years of being single, in order to have the most interesting, well-documented life I could possibly imagine, is the stubborn persistence of what I call: 
The Cinderella Complex
It’s the idea that a man will make your life complete. 
Now we’re all familiar with the Cinderella from the fairy tale, who was saved from child labor and slavery by her prince, and with the girls who in the 50s and 60s married a nice boy of the same religion or political color, for the purpose of having babies and living happily ever after.
I think we can all agree fairy tale characters are not really true:
Cinderella was never a real person.
And go ask around how that happily ever after turned out for those women.

My guess is that most of the women of that post war generation would have killed to have all the opportunities young women nowadays have.
To be educated, to have access to housing, to be able to love freely.
And to not be frowned upon if you have “a messy life”.
There is a book even, an American one “In praise of messy lives”, to celebrate the way people live together, much more dynamically than the nuclear family of the 20th century.
When the author visited the Netherlands she was amazed that we already had messy lives that we praised and everyone accepted! I don’t think her book became a bestseller here. But despite our liberal way of thinking, I still find evidence of the ancient Cinderella complex everywhere.
To begin with, in my own mind:
For years I thought learning to enjoy sex fully, to face my demons, grow stronger mentally, etcetera, a GUY was required.
Not just any guy but someone caring, understanding, wise, and really really sexy and good looking of course. He would save me from all my sexual fears and heal all my mental wounds and in his skillful hands I would find lots of pleasure and be sculpted into a sex goddess.
Okay, no pressure! ;)

Because it was “merely” a sexual path I aspired, it took me some time to realize I had just another version of the Cinderella complex. I was NOT taking responsibility for my own needs and wants! I was waiting for someone else to save me, my own sexual prince.
I could forgive myself the mistake, but couldn’t help but think what if I had known this 8 years ago when I became single? Before the heartache and most of all the disappointment that he was never a prince?
I would have been able to enjoy the men for who they were, and the situation for what it was. And deal with my own mental mess, instead of expecting him to fix it or be there for me.

I’m not going to describe all the wonderful ways in which you, lovely gorgeous woman who would make a terrific and responsible mother, can organize your life, and commit yourself to your desire to become a mother. 
But if I would hear someone say: 
I want to have a great lover but I can’t find the right man.
I would like to do a whole sexual bucket list if the right man came along.
*soft sigh*
“Oh well, I would just looove to have a great sex life”
*soft sigh again*

I would ask: What’s keeping you?


My advice on making babies will be published in my new book:
Big Mistress
confessions from the other woman

To read new posts and updates follow Twitter;
or subscribe to my diary HERE 

NEW  connect on Linkedin

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Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.


Greetings from a powerful witch

galadriel_green_3Do you know how ninety-nine percent of women in relationships,
women who ever had a relationship,
or women who consider to maybe one day get into a relationship,
respond to my presence?
Just in general terms, give it a go.
And this could be either how they respond to my presence in real life, but it could also very well mean how they instinctively respond the moment they hear I exist.
Or even how  someone like me, in theory, could exist.
Somewhere, on any of the seven continents or in any the seven seas.
Here’s a hint.
Just imagine you have children and a convicted child molester becomes your new neighbor.
That’s it.
That’s the response.
And you know what?
It didn’t even start when I became a secret mistress!
A situation I accidentally gotten myself into, at a time when I was seriously in love and absolutely certain he’d choose for me.
And then he never did.
I’m glad he didn’t, but that’s a story for another day.
But now that I m here I can see that being a mistress fits me, with my love for secrecy and rebellion.
It certainly has its challenges, but being judged by other women is something I’ve had to deal with all my life.
It didn’t start when I became a mistress.
My ex of fourteen years had to break all ties with me, before his new girlfriend moved in with him.
The new girlfriend of an ex-boyfriend started stalking me, and calling me in the middle of the night.
Another ex-boyfriend called me and asked me to lie to his new girlfriend when our relationship had ended. When at the time he had never bothered to tell me that he had started seeing someone else, and that we were now having a secret affair.
But it’s not just a new girlfriend thing.
If I talk to men decades older than me at a party, their wives drag them away from me.
And the men let themselves be dragged, let’s be honest.
I once saw my lover charm the most beautiful woman in a bar practically out of her pants, and it made me want him even more. I love a man out in the field!
So for me personally?
The less involved a man would be with other women, the bigger our problem would be.
But other women seem to think that the less involved their beau is with other women, the better.
The reason I am currently so aware of this is because I was about to start dating someone new. It’s nothing sexual, I m happy with my secret lover.
It’s just that I have a male circle of friends, and I like the company of men.
And from that perspective, I asked a guy out on a date.
He said yes, but couldn’t schedule within 48 hours, which is my preferred time window for these things.
But he did immediately suggested one week later.
I considered that a good sign, and decided to make an exception. Even though he wanted to see me on a weekday that I don’t easily give away because it seems to be my lover’s preferred day to invite me over.
So therefor this friendship date with this new man, could cost me a night of hot steamy sex.
But I said yes, next week is fine.
Then it happened!
I could just feel him not wanting to see me in a public bar. He brought it casually, and quite suave referring back to something I said I wanted to do. But I could definitely feel the pull there… in his direction.
Yet I insisted on meeting in a public place.
It wasn’t just because of the security risks of going somewhere I wasn’t familiar;
Nor about the risk of giving off the “wrong signal”, meeting him in a less casual setting.
Those things could have been covered in another way.
But I ve promised myself a long time ago, I would always make a point of seeing someone in public. AND in the town where he lived.

His ability to come up with a cover (f.e. that I m someone he does business with), or that he stands up for himself at home (and says he’s free to go out for coffee with whomever he wants), is a test of his worthiness.
I chose to ignore his hints, and in a friendly yet decisive manner I brought our messages back to date, time and a public place. Which he seemed to get along with until then suddenly the final message where I suggested a “where” stayed unanswered.
So then when the date came, a week later, I was pretty curious if I would still hear from him. When I didn’t, I texted him, ninety minutes before our date. Lighthearted, carefree.
He responded by calling me with vague excuses and even an accusation wh
y I had not texted him sooner. I gave him a strike three, you’re out.
One – trying to pull me into a secluded environment on our first date.
Two – not answering the final message the week before.
Three – forgetting our date
And four – God! I even gave him FOUR chances?! – making that my fault by accusing me.
Despite his firm assurance that he would contact me for another date, and my own friendly Oscar worthy performance of being nice; all I thought was:
I will never date any man who is ashamed of me, or who forgets we have a date, or who doesn’t even have the decency to call it off.
So although I didn’t know exactly why he had stood me up, I had seen the first signs of his reluctance the week before. I never expected to get more clarity, until, oh hail Facebook, a post caught my eye.
Merely hours before I texted him if we were still on, he and a woman had made their relationship public on Facebook.
I know EXACTLY what happened!
week 1.
The day I invited him on a date.
He and his now girlfriend were dating but being the player that he is, he was stalling it. He wasn’t committing, and neither was she. She was probably playing hard to get, or telling her girlfriends she didn’t know if he would be serious relationship material, a good father to their future children, and so on… She pretended she wasn’t full-on interested. But she was losing because it was clear that he too, was not eager to take their dating to the next level.
I called and asked him out.
He knew that she wouldn’t like it if he still saw other women but also, technically, they were not together yet. They had not discussed exclusivity, nor the subtleties of platonic friendships… What was allowed and what wasn’t?
They had both played it safe by beating around the bush and he was about to use the opportunities that offered.
He said yes to seeing me.
But because he preferred us seeing each other not to cost him anything, he wanted to see me at a low risk location. Which I refused and he became less enthusiastic (hence the not answering the last message) but he didn’t cancel it either.
week 2.
The day of the date
In the seven days that passed, she finds out, or he mentions that he’s going on a platonic date with me. She totally flips into “LIKE HELL YOU RE NOT” modus, forgetting all her doubts about him, and becomes obsessed with the idea that at ALL cost she must stop this from happening, and that he must choose for her immediately.
It is clear that the only sign she’ll accept as a sign of his commitment to her, is THE modern day sign of a serious relationship:
The dreaded Facebook status.

It was an example of all those relationships in which my presence plays an important role, even though I m not there. The Idea Of Me appears, and pretty loosely tied arrangements are locked in overnight. Marriages which have been sleeping for years, are suddenly wide awake.
Partners are forced to think about how much their relationship is worth to them.
And at the risk of losing it forever if they make the wrong choice.
It is difficult not to get drunk with power on all that fear. As if I was a powerful witch!
I could see myself as strong as Galadriel in Lord of the Rings:
Instead of a Dark Lord, you would have a queen, not dark but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Tempestuous as the sea, and stronger than the foundations of the earth!
All shall love me and despair!
Just think of all the relationships that went next level because of me. All the couples that married because I galvanized their relationship, at a critical stage.
Even the marriages that were getting stale, and that suddenly turned into exciting things that could go either way!
All because of the high pressure pot of women forcing their man to choose for them.
And to forever turn their backs on me.

You’re welcome.

An unexamined life is not worth living

Greetings from a powerful witch will be published in my new book:
Big Mistress
confessions from the other woman

To read new posts and updates follow Twitter;
or subscribe to my diary HERE 

NEW  connect on Linkedin

Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.