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The Hero’s Journey episode 2 The Force Awakens

maxresdefault (1)Christmas 2017 I started my Hero’s Journey; a year long challenge of doing one or two hours of yoga a day.

You can follow this project for 365 days on this page and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.

day 1 Christmas Day 2017
20.30 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1 (solar 1 hour, 15 minutes)
First time in five years or so that I practiced this. Exciting.

day 2 Boxing Day, Tuesday December 26
21.00 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1 (solar 1 hour, 15 minutes)
Tough practice. Maybe the wine bit me in the ass, but I was horribly unfocused. Starting tomorrow, I m gonna do yoga first thing. Read why in this powerful blog post Before the Rain. No it wasn’t just the wine.


“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
– Ernest Hemingway

Today a Dutch television presenter died, unexpectedly. He was only 48. And suddenly I remembered another powerful reason why I decided to commit to yoga.
To this Hero’s Journey of doing one year of yoga, one hour a day minimum.
Because working, or more specifically writing, has been eating me alive. This has been hard to swallow because I consider myself blessed. Other writers suffer from writer blocks, or insecurity, but I just get up in the morning and go.
There’s nothing I’d rather do, there’s nothing that comes more naturally, and there’s nothing that makes me feel more alive and in flow.
Yet, there is one very important aspect of writing which makes it a straining activity; it makes you feel awful.
Because creativity by definition, stirs things up. It doesn’t calm things down. I imagine writing is a bit like giving a show on stage; afterwards the star feels drained and dreadful. Or amazing and hyped up. But never calm, nourished and fulfilled.
Restlessness and creativity go hand in hand.
And a writer? He stays with the piece. There is no “after the show”. There’s always something that’s not quite right yet.
And if he’s posted it to a blog, then this act of immediately putting it out there in the world gives it both an extra kick, but also an extra desire to keep editing.
You won’t believe how many mistakes I discover in the first hours after I ve already put the post out there.
It just keeps pulling me in.
And sometimes I even write (because I feel the desire/ inspiration) a second blog, newsletter, sales page. The stream of ideas is endless. I even resent calling them “ideas”. They’re way too demanding for that! They insist on being written.
Now I m on this yoga challenge, and I know that although I will be able to cross off my mandatory daily hour of yoga, there is one decision I have not made yet.
And I think I kind of knew I had to do this – but I was resisting it; to do yoga FIRST. To not even allow for the computer to be on until my yoga has been done. Not because the quality of the yoga is better. Nor because yoga “deserves” my first and best energy. But because creativity and writing definitely cannot be trusted with it. There are so many writers who advise to write in the morning, before anything else.
But I don’t need to do that.
I m pretty sure I ve reached the stage, that when ideas want out, I ll get them out. At 2 am with my eyes closed, if I have to. And I don’t necessarily need to “slow down” either, in the sense that I have any desire to change the way I write.
Like I said; I feel blessed.
Please, keep the blessings coming, amen.
But what I need to do, want to do, and starting tomorrow WILL do, is prioritize on yoga to do it first thing in the morning so that I build my foundation before the destabilizing blow of creativity. I always sleep really well, and wake up refreshed. I m going to consolidate that. To integrate the peace and quiet of the night, and hold on to it for a few more hours. And then unleash all the stories that are inside of me.
I don’t know why the television presenter died. From what I understood it had most likely something to do with his heart. Exactly the area where I feel most vulnerable. Last summer, I even suffered from a racing heart beat at night. Mild anxiety attacks too. I slowed down a bit, and forbid myself to go behind the computer at night. It’s 11 pm now… I m cheating again.
But I think the best way to avoid stress, anxiety, and ultimately early death (as far as this would be lifestyle related) is to delay going full throttle in the morning.
To give my body and mind a few extra hours to stabilize.
I m going to train myself, like an athlete, to grow stronger and more resilient. Because we all know when Noah built the arc.
Before the rain.

day 3 Wednesday December 27
21.30 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 2 (lunar 1 hour)


I still endorse the idea.
I do still believe that doing my daily yoga first thing in the morning – instead of writing, working, really whatever I feel like – is the best way stay more grounded before creativity derails me. And it would avoid getting stuck behind the computer for too long to do my yoga practice before I go out the door.
And then having to do it when I m back.
At a time when I really was looking forward to coming home and getting behind my desk to get the real shit done, more shit done, or let inspiration move me once more and get another piece of writing out.
Because whatever the day looked like – either writing a.m. or like today just reposting some things  and then out all day with a friend – I never feel like yoga later on in the day either.
I would simply always, as a given, prefer to get back behind my desk to work.
And yet every morning I think I m struck with some unique idea or situation which i will be able to solve or lock-in, working for one latte macchiato. But instead I end up working for as long as my agenda allows me.
So recapping yet another day where I had to do yoga at nighttime because my whole plan went AWOL – I see three things that I misjudge every time.
1. I keep thinking that the idea or the little piece of work I feel inclined to do in the morning will only take me forty-five minutes. Instead of an infinite amount of time which will only be defined by my next appointment out the door.
2. I keep forgetting that there is no such thing as one idea or piece of work. Ideas will keep coming.
And finally
3. I also keep forgetting that in the afternoon, and especially if I ve been out the door, I will have more ideas, or more finetuning, or more things I d rather do immediately because otherwise I have to write them down and do them later.
But I can’t afford to forget those three things tomorrow. That is the first day where I have multiple appointments and I also have to work preparing classes. I have far less hours to throw at following my creative flow, than I ve had the past few days. So in a way tomorrow is the first day the challenge is really a challenge. Where I can’t postpone my practice to the evening, like I have done so far.
It has to be done either in the morning, or in the late afternoon.
Tomorrow I need to have my shit together.

day 4 Thursday December 28
21.15 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 2 (lunar 1 hour)


Today was heaven. It was exactly the opposite of yesterday because I had zero time for writing and a ton of obligations. I prepared classes, taught yoga, and I worked on the land for three hours. I got a sunburn on my cheeks and my whole body was toast. Not from the sun but from working hard. I feared it would affect my class tonight.
But then it didn’t.
And I can only accredit that to the mandatory hour of yoga for this Hero’s Journey challenge. I did the practice at the studio, before class, and although it was quite a messy practice, I could feel Shiva Rea’s soothing voice work it’s way into my tormented spine.
All the pain disappeared.
When my students came I was just as excited about the upcoming class as they were, and it went really well.
But aside from the yoga miraculously taking away the pain in my body there was something else that sparked my energy. Something else that made this day memorable. And it had to do with my current obsession with Star Wars episode 8, and the developing romance between Kylo Ren and Rey.
For the yoga playlist for tonight’s class, I took their (Kylo Ren’s and Rey’s) official playlists on Spotify. And although I used few of the songs, it gave me clues on what I did want, and I was extremely pleased with the result. Especially with the choice to alternate between male and female vocals.
Now the reason this interest in their story line has gotten a chance to spin out of control, is because YouTube is filled with videos on the subject of “Reylo”; their names combined, like Brangelina. And it was in one of these hours I spent browsing Reylo videos (“studying” would be more accurate) that I learned they had playlists.
Anyway, with my new habit of spending every minute of free-time watching their romance-explained videos, and also investing hours on creating the playlist, I was getting emotionally invested.
And I could feel the restlessness inside of me, but during that hour of yoga I realized something was shifting.
I was stepping out of the role of the mistress.
I was still very much in love with Mr.Big, and I didn’t desire him to leave his wife anymore today than yesterday, a month ago, or last year. I feel like I am Mr.Big’s dark guardian angel – I could never wish for something that he values, to fall apart.
I m on his side.
So it wasn’t that I wanted to change or end what we had.
And yet, the feelings I had mistaken for restlessness, were in reality the first signs of a transformation.
I no longer fully identified with being a mistress.
I was becoming a warrior, like Rey. An archetype that I ve been trying to get my hands on, and trying to live by, since August, but failed. And maybe I failed because I knew it would mean shedding my mistress skin.
But I registered the restlessness during yoga, and I felt excited.
The journey had begun.

day 5 Friday December 29
This is the first time I m logging my practice before doing it!
But I look forward to keeping the computer off, when I m finished.
22.15 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 2 (lunar 1 hour)

day 6 missed
day 7 Sunday December 31

New Year’s Eve
13.00 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1+ 2 (group class 1 H 45 minutes)
20.00 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1+ 2 (2 H practice, at new years eve)
Missed yesterday’s practice because  I unexpectedly went to see Star Wars VIII The Last Jedi for the second time!! That movie is the whole reason this project even exists, so hell yes I ll go.
And it was awesome.
And it gave me so much insight into WHY I am on this challenge. It wasn’t because the Jedi use the force, and that brought me back in touch into wanting to get access to my force. Do my own yoga to gain control over my mind. I thought that was it – because I had already been toying with the thought of going on some major challenge after Star Wars VII The Force Awakens,
So I simply thought that this was the little nudge I needed for daily yoga; to see that new Star Wars movie a few days before Christmas.
But yesterday’s rerun made me realize I had ulterior motives. And that the reason I had lost weight in doing one week of yoga. And the reason it was going so – well- easy. The reason I barely needed any sleep. It didn’t have anything to do with Luke Skywalker or Rey the girl Jedi. It was only because I had fallen in love with Kylo Ren.
I had fallen in love with a movie star, but even more with the character, and that was the reason I loved doing yoga. They were like these XL day dream sessions.
And today I made up for missing yesterday’s practice, by doing two; A long class, and my the 2 H practice that I had initially planned for yesterday.

day 8 Monday January 1
New Year’s Day
16.15 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1+ 2 (2 H practice)
Are you Dutch? I wrote my blog post here, about the most amazing New Year’s day ever. Although not the way I thought it would be..

day 9 Tuesday January 2
21.30 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1 (1,25 H practice)
I had a meager day, with a pretty bleak evening. I didn’t have anything fun or social planned for today, and had a slow start which I compensated for with a productive day. No daylight or daytime yoga though. Again.
Did some nighttime grocery shopping and then did my practice. Instead of the regular two hours I cut it to just one cd.
The reason the evening felt bleak was that Max has not been well all day, and he’s so thin and fragile I worry about him and especially about the choice about having to let him go this year. He vomited this afternoon. I gave him a painkiller around nine and hope he’ll start feeling better.
He still joins me in bed, but doesn’t bother to come to the couch or sleep in the window anymore. He sits on a little box or lies in his nest made from a duvet, both in the hallway next to my small pink desk which I use for journaling.
His world has become very small.
As has mine.

next practice set for
day 10 Wednesday January 3 – double 2 hour practice

You can follow this project for 365 days on this page and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.


The Hero’s Journey episode 1 Take the first step

qtixd9qatau9ztdzsbrxI ve always wanted to do this.
And in a way I ve always done this. Just that I failed more often than I succeeded. What I m talking about is a challenge.
For example writing a book in a month, like NaNoWriMo. Which is really a thing. It’s an abbreviation for National Novel Writing Month, and it takes place every November.
But my challenges were usually yoga challenges. The first one was in 2009 and I called it The Goddess Challenge. I did yoga twice a day, for half an hour. I did complete that one but all the others after failed massively or moderately, but whichever it was, it never gave me the satisfaction of the Goddess challenge.
And now I understand why.
And this is a huge insight that I only received a couple of days ago, and it has changed my love for challenges from an impulsive, can’t-not-do craving, to a Life’s Choice, which I will stand for and defend.
I will even go as far as to say that I ve reached the point where I m opposed to any new habit that is not a challenge. As a principle. Because the longer I think about it, the more I believe that you should go big or go home.
And yes, i know of all the research that says you re supposed to take baby steps because otherwise your reptile brain blocks, from too much change. I know all that. And I confess that I thought “they”- the babystep, ten minutes a day, people – were right.
And that I was wrong.
That I would just keep failing at my big challenges and they would laugh at me because they knew I would be totally rocking it (whatever “it” was) if I would just come over to their side and take things slowly. But now I know; No.
Not doing that.
I m on to something here, and I have always been on to that something, just that I didn’t know what it was. But now I do and I call it The Hero’s Journey, after the book by Joseph Campbell.
I received my insight on the purpose of challenges versus the danger-free small-change approach in an unusual place; Studying dating programs.
Those are programs that explain how to get your man and keep him, or how to bring the spark back into your relationship. These programs came with a catch, that I believe even the creators didn’t quite understand;
They gave you formulas and principles that you could only adopt if you pushed yourself to go next level.
So for example, the programs didn’t say; You must let go of all bitterness, and all righteousness. They said: Always let him know you are on his team, and that you respect him.
They didn’t say: You must let go of all past hurt and neediness. They said; Give him a chance to do practical things for you.
If the programs had been candy, it was candy that was stuffed on the highest shelve, and you would automatically, and without asking, go get a ladder to reach it. Whereas if the programs had said;
“In order to save your relationship you need to get a ladder.”
You would have been all like;
“A ladder? Why? They’re bulky! I don’t need a ladder to save my relationship!”
Or: “I don’t have time to get a ladder.”
But now that you had to get the candy? You yourself got that ladder, because you thought the candy was going to save the relationship. When in reality? It was the ladder.
The ladder/ candy analogy, is the reason why I believe challenges work. And baby steps, in their definition of something anyone can do and squeeze into their life and within their comfortzone, do not work.
Baby steps, new easy to do habits, are like candy that is already on the counter;
You either think you don’t have to change to reach it, or you really don’t have to change.
Now this doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Your whole internal system could still start revolting at the idea of taking baby steps, but the problem is, that you will not be very willing to put in any effort, in order to overcome resistance for something so small and silly.
Exactly the same way many women (and men) would revolt against the “candy”- what it is they have to do to save their marriage or become successful at dating - if it was handed to them too casually. But if they paid to get their hands on the candy?
Or if they were presented with a free video that was “online only for a limited amount of time”?
They would pay very close attention, and do everything that had to be done in order to reach the candy without questioning.
I’m sure you’re familiar with the phrase; “It’s about the journey, not the destination.”
“The Journey” represents that of course you’re getting the ladder, or putting in the time, effort and money, in order to reach the destination. And of course you’re going ALL IN in order to overcome any challenges to reach your destination.
What happens during a journey, is that you transform into something else. But that only happens if someone placed your candy on the highest shelve, if someone gave you a difficult dating life or frustration about a whole life going wrong in the first place.
The way to change yourself and your life, the way to come up with inventive solutions to crack the code, is to start by defining something as a challenge. A difficult and intimidating challenge.
Not something that is doable, or easy, because doable or easy will not inspire you to give it your all, and yet you d still be highly frustrated if you didn’t make it for your daily ten minutes on the mat.
But if you give yourself a HUGE challenge?
Either you drop out immediately. Which is cool, because then you were not ready anyway to give it your all in this area of your life.
Or you go ALL IN and you crack the code, solve the riddle, survive the marshes, meet the wizard, get lost, ask for help, lose your resources, hustle new ones, suffer injury, are healed, find the pot of gold, save the world, get the girl, or the guy obviously, AND you live happily ever after.
And that?
Is called The Hero’s Journey.

The Hero’s Journey
How I took my life next level doing yoga.
But you could also run, write, cook, or have sex for 365 days.

Start; Christmas 2017
Ends: Christmas Eve 2018
What; One hour of yoga a day minimum, and one two hour practice once a week
Resources/ how to do this yourself;
I m using the 1999 cd Yoga Sanctuary by Shiva Rea
cd 1 is Solar Practice 1h 15 minutes
cd 2 is Lunar Practice 1 h
cd 1 and 2 combined is 2 hours

You can follow this project for 365 days on my live blog and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.



images (2)

Read my diary; What it’s like to be the ultimate mistress, live a movie star life, quote sex workers, and totally crush all your weight issues

Hi! I started writingimages (2) a diary August 2017, and well…. I think I m done for this year!
No idea when the next entry will go up either.
If you want to make sure you don’t miss out, you need to get me on facebook
or hang out on twitter.
Because oftentimes diary entries go out months before I post them here, on this blog.
A third option is to sign up for my private mailing here on this page-
The private mailing is an overview and a personal letter and goes out every four weeks or so.
So enjoy this long read of everything I ve created for you, and see you on the other side in 2018.

REBOOT diary overview 2017

Episode 1 Atomic blonde
How project Reboot came about, and what the movie Atomic Blonde had to do with it.

Episode 2 The Return of Benjamin
Where I meet a ghost from the past. A handsome one.

Episode 3 Reinvention
Where I work out the pros and cons of becoming a high functioning alcoholic.

Episode 4 Forces of Nature
In this post; sex with Mister Big, healing myself, and how a prostitute has inspired my to do yoga.

929a495cf8b8e42436e862b628bc3b73--scarlett-johansson-photoshoot-james-whiteEpisode 5 Mistress
Lauren gives book readings, sees friends, and just generally goes around like any normal aspiring writer. Which is of course a recipe for disaster.

Episode 6 The dominant
Lauren is still involved with Mr.Big, a married man. And in the lee of her planned out workweek, she starts to understand the underlying dynamics of their affair. And all the forces that seem to be working in her favor.

Episode 7 Rafael’s wrap up
Lauren finds her true calling and treats herself to a night out;
the five year anniversary with celebrity and muse Rafael.

Episode 8 The heroine
Diary entry with erotic story ending.
Lauren is on her first real date with Big in months, and she’s reminded of her early beginnings as a mistress. She has rocked being the third woman since high school.

frm3540-zw-w kopie kleinon 18/19 December I also wrote a yoga book {free version} :
White Tigress Yoga.
For anyone who had a decent chance of staying healthy but screwed it up and now needs something that works. Fast.

That was it!

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
sign up for my private mailing

Reboot. Episode 8 The heroine

black-widow-avengers-ultronThe only thing that’s ever sustained me,
that’s ever made up for the degree to which everything otherwise seems pointless and mean and wrong,
are intense and mysterious emotional experiences that stick in my soul until I can work them into something beautiful.
 Charlotte Shane – Prostitute Laundry

Diary entry with erotic story ending. 
Lauren is on her first real date with Big in months, and she’s reminded of her early beginnings as a mistress. She has rocked being the third woman since high school. 

Saturday December 23, 2017

Big asked me what I had looked like, at seventeen.
The age where I had my first affair with someone who was already involved with someone else. It had lasted for over six months and I had ended it because we were only making out, and rubbed a bit. Usually fully clothed. Whereas I had been ready for real sex before my real boyfriend had dumped me right before my (our!) 17th birthday. And before we could share that first time together.
The ex did have his first time sex before his (and mine!) 17th birthday. With someone else.
Leaving me not just heartbroken, but a virgin as well. Which I probably found even more unforgivable. So the clock was ticking as to exactly HOW MUCH he had beaten me to the punch. Of exactly HOW MUCH he had hurt me. And although I was absolutely devastated, like any teen receiving a blow like that, I was also drawing a line at turning eighteen a virgin.
My virginity was the painful evidence that I had been dumped.
I needed it gone.
So although I adored my secret make-out buddy (secret meaning our entire school knew but not his girlfriend), I took matters into my own hand. I said yes to a guy who was four years older than me.
He wasn’t a player.
He had lived together with his previous girlfriend and now owned his own apartment. He could cook, possessed the basic skills of keeping his house clean and he had two cats. He was exactly the drama-free boyfriend I was looking for.
And he stayed a great boyfriend. I left him three years later, but only because I wanted more excitement. Not because he had let me down in any other way than the one I could have predicted from the start.
It wasn’t until recently that I remembered that there had been someone before this three year long carefree relationship.
Someone important I mean.
Because I had kissing sessions with a variety of men. Two of them were gay. They were my favorite, and the only ones I would do reruns with, aside from the cheating guy. Big asked me that as well; how many men I had kissed.
This was after we had a conversation about how many women he had slept with, a topic I had never thought I would be able to handle.
But that had been years ago.
Now it aroused me.
Anyway, he asked me how many men I had kissed and I laughed. And then he asked me if I still knew all their names. And I laughed again.
There were so many.
I never felt kissing counted for anything.
I mean other than a test if you wanted to go further. I also told Big I had some really strange experiences too; That sometimes the kissing had been amazing, and yet I had felt no desire to go further. What I didn’t tell was that sometimes the kissing had been terrible and yet I had pursued. And not without getting satisfying results in all other areas.
I ve never had bad sex in my life. I ve never misjudged sexual chemistry. But in retrospect I can say that my “kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince” logic was not a hundred percent accurate. Someone could be a prince in bed, when kissing like a frog. And someone could kiss like a bonafide prince, and I would still not take it further.
It was all very weird.
But I do like kissing, and maybe it did give me the right information since I never ended up with someone between the sheets that didn’t work out.
Anyway I was telling you about the cheating guy/mistress situation that I had apparently already worked myself into, age seventeen. This was such an eye opener to me! I knew that I was good at this whole being a mistress thing.
It suits my sexual preferences of wanting to be monogamous myself, but needing a guy I can admire and who I feel is sexually active with other women.
For starters with his wife.
Honestly, I feel that this aspect of sexual orientation – which basically comes down to preying on second hand sexual energy but being unable to digest it in its raw form (hence the monogamy on my own part) – is highly interesting! It has been the biggest takeaway from being a mistress.
Because that’s the third question Big asked me;
“What have you learned, these three years?”
I answered;
“That I am monogamous. That I like being committed to you.
But that I also need you to have other women. I need you to bring in that energy.”
I told Big the story of the cheating guy when I was seventeen. And that the most remarkable aspect of our liaison, was the group of friends in which it was embedded. Five guys and two girls, one of them was me. We went to each others birthday parties, we hang out on Fridays after school. We kept each other’s secrets.
When it was his birthday, he asked us over, and we all went.
His girlfriend was there.
I didn’t rat him out, nor did his friends. None of us did. We had a watertight pact of friendship and camaraderie. Our make-out sessions had not just created a bond between him and me. It closed the deal for our entire group.
Mister Big was cooking us dinner. Maybe that’s why we did so much talking. It was nice way to bond because it had been so long since we’d been together properly. With plenty of time, privacy and me not being in my period. With the prospect of having real all the way sex. Not just all the stuff I could do keeping my panties on.
The talking about sex and our relationship was foreplay.
We were taking accountability for our sins.
Just like the steak he made us; an animal had been killed to feed us. It was a mortal sin. One that bonded us.
Yesterday I saw the Last Jedi, the latest Star Wars movie. And it wasn’t until I was there, watching the high voltage sexual tension between bad guy Kylo Ren and good girl Rey, that I understood the full power of secrets, and dark stuff.
Understood why that group of friends formed a tight bond around the cheating of one of its members.
Why the affair between Big and me feels so sturdy, and forever growing stronger. Every rendez vous adding another layer to it.
First I thought it was the secretiveness of it. That shame, danger and fear are simply better building materials than love and transparency.
But the movie made me realize it was something else. And that it had been something else for three years. That it had been something else way back in the days when I was just seventeen.
And that this insight, this knowledge, was the reason that any affair born in the darkness has a lot higher chance of surviving than the one created in the light.
Like I said; it’s not that secrets and sins perse create a better bond. It’s because in relationships born from darkness, secretiveness and mortal sins, everything is included.
Everything is loved.
Someone’s light and someone’s darkness.
We love, accept, embrace, sit through it if we must – twice as much from each other. That’s why we, the sinners, create such strong ties.
We bond on what makes us good, and we bond over what makes us evil.
It’s the same reason in Star Wars the good guys have a lot worse time than the bad guys.
The good guys only accept their good deeds, and are ashamed if they fuck up, or have fucked up. Whereas if a bad guy fucks it up, he’s just sorry the job didn’t get done. He accepts everything from himself. The good and the bad.
Accepting all sides of yourself is the path to ultimate power.
Accepting all sides of the other is the path to ultimate love.
It’s not that within our relationship, or within ourselves, Big and me are all evil. We don’t like hurting others. But if that’s the way it has to happen in order to get something we want, we’ll do it.
It’s collateral damage.
Like the animal that had to be killed for our steak.
 An extra marital affair (and being good at it) means that we accept each other’s dark side. I fully accept him cheating and lying. And he accepts me needing other women, to be around somewhere. In order to stay fulfilled.
Me needing that second hand sexual energy.
Him needing that first hand sexual experience of having multiple partners.
And on top of this, we bond the same way other couples do. In the same magnetic, emotional, breath-takingly beautiful way we all do.
Or at least I do, ever since I got myself a proper boyfriend age seventeen.
I was sitting on top of Big, my feet next to his hips, sinking into the black leather of the couch. He was sitting up straight, embracing me as I lowered and he entered. Shallow fucking. I buried my face in his neck and sobbed. I said it was like I couldn’t feel how much I loved him until he was inside of me. He comforted me and kept fucking me in that same, light, way that seemed to draw out every emotion that had been bottling up, all the months I had missed this.
It all came out.
I don’t think I ever cried so much especially not during sex so gentle and loving. After he came we lied together, in silence. I had my eyes closed to absorb every moment. In my imagination so did he.
His body felt warm and heavy.
“I had red hair,” I said. “Wavy. Down to my shoulders. I wore black clothes. Always. And I had porcelain skin and wore red lipstick.”

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
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You can find my 10 books in my shop.
standard 25% off!! (my gift to you)

recommended for UK and US readers, the book about the first two years of my affair with Mr.Big; Big, erotica and diaries (2017)

aanbevolen boek NL:
Het boek Benjamin, verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
Het verzameld werk is inclusief Big- het Engelstalige dagboek over mijn affaire met Mr.Big

Witte Tijgerin (€5) en Het Boek Benjamin (€45) zijn ook te koop bij de Feeks 
Zij regelen ook de online bestellingen.

Als je yogales bij me volgt in Nijmegen kan ik het ook voor je meenemen naar de les.


Reboot. Episode 7 Rafael’s wrap up

00-holding-scarlett-johansson-5-thingsI found thinking about him comforting.
 Charlotte Shane – Prostitute Laundry

Lauren finds her true calling and treats herself to a night out;
the five year anniversary with celebrity and muse Rafael.

Saturday December 9, 2017 

I feel like this is the last thing I ll write this year.
Which is bullshit because even if nothing exciting will happen, and 2017 just finishes without anything noteworthy – I can and most likely will, write for my Dutch book Maitresse and my yoga and lifestyle book, or books, White Tigress.
But I mean the diary. That I won’t have anything to write in here. That you won’t see me, until the next emotional high or low. And it has to be so impressive that I will sacrifice writing on those other books, or my yoga work, in order to get the story out.
I don’t see that happening. My life is exceptionally quiet. And exceptionally wonderful. Because I really did find my calling, in the troublesome week between my book reading and Rafael’s show. By the time he came to see me, after his show, my life had already fallen into place. There was nothing more I needed. Not from him. Not from Mr.Big.
I was free.
These were the events that lead to this Zen state of mind, starting with the book reading. Which went perfectly well. It was something I had wanted to experience. Was I any good at giving them? Did I enjoy it? Did I lack any skills or would anything unforeseen pop up? At first it seemed like it wouldn’t.
In fact I loved the reading so much, that I was convinced I would go professional, and get myself gigs for this. Until I collapsed, into what someone once described as “A dark night of the soul” Mine was not that dark, but I did get sick, followed by five days in which I felt unstable, ashamed and desperately tried to figure things out.
I deciphered the problem to its core, threw away all the elements I didn’t like, and then I clicked the remaining pieces together.
Which, unexpectedly, made the perfect fit.
By the time I met Rafael I had full clarity on The Big Picture. I knew how I was going to thrive at being a writer, and a yoga teacher, without collapsing in the middle of my work week. It basically came down to a clean cut; Yoga on weekdays, LS Harteveld on weekends. But with a massive tweak. Which was that I was going to stop pretending I was a normal yoga teacher and I was going to write from the heart for the studio.
I cancelled my entire existing media program which had been way too plain and generic. And in the ten hours that were freed up by that, I started writing real stuff.
From the heart.
I completely stripped away any feeling of “this is how a normal column promoting a yoga studio should look like” and just went for it. I wrote. Daily. I hustled, promoted my yoga. And it worked. Even though I wasn’t really counting on it to take immediate effect, because these things take time.
People may not immediately recognize you as the most fun, unorthodox yoga studio from the city. And even if they do, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s their preferred flavor.
They may turn away and prefer generic yoga instead.
Which is totally cool.
So when I already had actual results within days, it was more than I had counted on. I would have been satisfied with merely my newly found joy in writing for the studio.
I had stopped pretending to be a normal yoga teacher who only blogs or does social media because that’s required this day and age. I showed I loved doing it. That I was writing because it lit me up from the inside.
And no longer stuff that any copy writer or any other yoga teacher could have written. Not anymore. The writing for the studio – just like teaching itself – had become purpose work, soul work. I basically chose to see myself as a badass, writing yoga teacher first. LS Harteveld hobby writer second.
LS Harteveld was marginalized – giving her only the weekends which often didn’t start before Friday 8 pm. That may sound like a cruel thing to do, but in reality, once I started speaking my truth for the yoga studio, the urge to speak What I Really Think here- as Miss Harteveld – was eliminated.
And the remaining writing for LS Harteveld went really well.
I would easily churn out ten thousand words in diary entries, private mailings, blog posts. And still see friends and family.
Many people will find my new week/weekend structure too compartmentalized, but for me it is wonderful. It takes all the pressure off LS Harteveld. On the weekends I will sleep in and only write if I feel called to do so. Which apparently I do.
But I am free as a bird to spend my weekends the way I want to.
And it was with this new found freedom that I saw Rafael’s new show. Rafael has been my muse since 2012, so it was our five year anniversary.
I now see this long period of being his fan, as entirely logic. It fits with my sexual preference, which is that I m a mistress;
I am monogamous, and I like distance. It’s space for me to admire and literally muse over a man. For me a man has way more value as an unattainable muse, than as a reliable partner. And being a monogamist, one man has more value than a series of men. Which I find confusing and tiresome.
That’s the reason I m still with my lover Big, with whom I ve been with for three years. And it’s the reason I’m happy being a fan of Rafael.
I feel emotionally moved by them, and they make great muses.
So I went to see Rafael’s show and I m afraid I sucked up every word, every gesture, every second of his stage time. I forgot when the last show was before this but I m guessing 2015. But it was too long… And it had the same effect as not seeing Mr.Big for a long time. I was thrown between an accusatory;
“How could you do this to me!”
And the bittersweet knowledge that all the waiting had eventually only fueled the pleasure. Made the moment more memorable.
Rafael and I sat opposite to each other.
We talked about his show and his upcoming book, and just general stuff on the professional side of things. But there was also something else. Something that I will not reveal here, because it was private. But it bore a remarkable resemblance to me having hid my real personality as a yoga teacher. So that no one would get mad. Me before coming to terms with, and ultimately fully owning the fact that I m a mistress, even though practically every woman I speak to responds with either;
“How can you do this to his wife?”
“I can’t understand you do this to yourself.”
I m not doing anything to myself. This is who I am. And if things end with Mr.Big I ll either look for another married man, or if he’s available, I ll make sure that he understands that keeping me interested will include spending quality time with me, just as much as spending time away from me. In which I want him to appear busy with his own life, to not bother me, and to be absolutely fucking thrilled if we meet again. I want him to only share things about his other women for the single purpose of turning me on. Not because we’re going to have an honest and open conversation about it, or because he’s oversharing. That’s cruel. I want him to be totally devoted to exactly what it is I want, to what arouses me, to what I want to hear. And at the same time I want him to regularly create vast distances between us, which I can fill with writing; With dreaming; With creating, and recreating, the image of him I hold in my head.
That’s what’s it gonna take.
In a similar fashion, Rafael was doing a great job as my muse. But he was holding out. I could feel it. In the same way I had been afraid, and was still afraid at times, that being a mistress would get me killed. That someone would put a knife between my ribs because I had sex with a married man. Until ultimately I had decided that stepping into my true power, was more important than being scared. That I couldn’t keep hiding forever. That I had to accept that this was who I was. That yes, there was a betrayed wife in the equation, and that I was probably a monster for needing other women somewhere, around a potential partner, in order to give him the light of day.
But it was simply who I was.
I knew there was power into totally stepping into that role. And well… Rafael had something like that going on. And I pointed that out, that maybe, he was meant for greater things. That maybe, the time to play safe was over.
That maybe, it was time to step into his power, and face whatever the consequences might be because in reality, keeping all that stuff within will do you even more damage.
It’s a life not lived.
It’s a calling not heard.
Five years ago, I read Rafael’s book. It was a mixture between fiction and facts, where he becomes the prime minister of the Netherlands. In years that followed he withdrew from the idea that this was a real goal, or calling.
But writing this post now, a week after having this conversation with Rafael, I realize that even our undocumented conversation really comes down to me believing that he was meant for great things.
My belief that the fictional novel associating him with politics, was actually his true calling. That me pushing him to step into his power now – about the topic I won’t share – is related to me insisting he was writing his own future with that novel.
His own heart’s calling.
That he wasn’t just meant for greater things, he might have been meant to become the greatest thing.
That in reality, self-deprecating Rafael, bore all the markings of a great leader.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
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Rafael is in the English books;
LS Diary (€10)
Bedtime Stories (€ 15)
Mirage (€ 5)

aanbevolen boek NL:
Het boek Benjamin, verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
Dit Boek Benjamin (€45),
mijn verzameld werk inclusief de boeken over Rafael, die in het echt Johan Fretz heet.
is ook te koop bij de Feeks 
Zij regelen ook de online bestellingen.

Als je yogales bij me volgt in Nijmegen kan ik het ook voor je meenemen naar de les.

Reboot. Episode 6 The dominant


It wasn’t really about sex as a genital experience. It was about sex as revelation, illumination of connection amid chaos.
Charlotte Shane – Prostitute Laundry

Lauren is still involved with Mr.Big, a married man. And in the lee of her planned out workweek, she starts to understand the underlying dynamics of their affair. And all the forces that seem to be working in her favor.

The Triangle
Monday November 27, 2017

t’s Monday morning, and in the wake of my epiphany to focus on my White Tigress and The Mistress work, I already feel accomplished. 
I still suffer from insecurity though.
For days on end, many socially awkward things happened. Which I did not share because it had made me insecure and I didn’t want to give them more power than they already had.
Or maybe I didn’t want to verbalize them until I knew what their common demeanor was.
What lesson could be learned.
In retrospect I think it was just a sign I did not have clarity yet, that I should speak ONLY about those two topics.
White Tigress and Mistress.
That’s it.
And the rest of my writing will just have to sell itself. Or not. It’s completely irrelevant if it does or doesn’t.
I’m on my self-imposed weekday fasting from writing, but obviously that’s only working marginally. I’ve closed down my Twitter and I ll limit myself to diary entries like this one.
But nevertheless ideas keep flowing.
Yesterday I wrote the first chapter to my Dutch Mistress work,but this morning ideas for the upcoming chapters just fell into my lap.
I immediately scribbled them down in my notebook.
One of the key insights is how the love triangle, formed by the mistress, the man, and his spouse, may be the most important reason these types of affairs can last that long. I ve heard of liaisons lasting for decades.
They ve definitely seemed harder to break.
It’s like this triangular formation has its own will to live. Just like groups do.
That’s why group dynamics are so strong because the group uses any means nessecary to survive. It doesn’t accommodate the needs of the individual members; its primal concern is the survival of the group.
This could be the case in our love triangle.
It’s a separate entity, and one we all feed with our energy, both positive and negative. A fight between my lover and his wife will be absorbed by the triangle, just as swiftly as our last full-on session making love.
Which was months ago, unfortunately.
But it was never something I interpreted as a sign to doubt the strength of what we were having.
Seems now, I was right.

Thursday December 7

Scarlett-Johansson-Workout-RoutineThis is probably the messiest diary in the history of memoirs.
I have a notebook filled with breakthrough thoughts that changed my life for the better over the past ten days. Five pages of scribbling on my night with muse Rafael. And two on what the upcoming chapter of my Dutch book Maitresse (Mistress) should be about.
Oh, and I have a personal rule in place which makes diary writing on weekdays a mortal sin against being a fulltime yoga teacher. It’s simply not allowed.
And then what do I do?
I come to you with a new insight, on a moment I should be writing for my yogabiz. And I m forsaking all my other self-imposed rules such as keeping this diary organized and to log events in the correct chronological order.
So let this be messy.
And let it be quick.
But yesterday I got such a profound extra insight in the mental makeup of a Good Mistress – and key to why I thrive at this relationship form when it would simply destroy most women.
The key is; powerplay.
It started when I was explaining to a friend how I had chosen the Dutch title Maitresse, over the word Minnares (both translate to Mistress in English).
I said I thought they meant the same, although technically Maitresse may be exclusive to mistresses who are kept/ financially supported. He said that I should look that up, because the remarkable thing about my life’s choice was that there was no financial gain of any kind.
I was totally independent.
So I did. I Googled the two Dutch words Maitresse and Minnares, to see if there was a difference. There wasn’t. But I did read one of the articles describing the relationship between a mistress and her lover, and the title just clicked;
“Being a mistress; He dominates.”
I ll be damned!
Now, I ve never made a secret about my preference to be dominated in bed. In fact, being spoiled rotten the last three years with Mr.Big, I m pretty sure I ve reached the stage where I m no longer able to have sex if it doesn’t include me getting play raped, and getting my boundaries pushed or even violated in the most delicious, intrusive way imaginable.
It reminds me of a game I used to play within my long-term relationship. God that seems like a lifetime ago.. But he realized I would do anything, any assignment, if he said it was (roughly translated) a “horny assignment”.
From taking out the trash to buying a porno dvd for him; it truly didn’t matter. As long as he said I had to do it, and that it was a horny assignment.
And my current lover Mr.Big and me, have always been very aware that me wanting to be ordered around, and him wanting to be dominant, was a golden match in the bedroom. Probably the reason why we don’t get enough of each other. We could become one of those mistress/ lover couples that last a lifetime, simply because we’ve both been so hungry for this. Now I shouldn’t speak for him of course. And I do give him credit for being a talented adjuster to whatever is required. His sexuality, what he will do with you, is a mirror image of what the woman desires. But having said that, I do have strong indicators that being dominant is at the core of who he is.
And I simply know that being submissive -in a non-leathery BDSM kind of way-is who I am. Sure, I can do versatile, I can do dominant. But it’s merely killing time until something or someone better comes along.
It’s a favor. Not true love.
Mr.Big and me have always been aware of this powerplay in the bedroom, but I had never realized the extra marital relationship itself had this pull on me, for exactly the same reason.
That being his secret lover was working the same submissive kink.
Over the years I ve been able to identify many strong and unusual preferences in myself, either sexually or relationship wise. But I had managed to miss this one.
In the late nineties, I was fan of Eric Roberts. He’s almost like the wicked (and definitely more interesting) twin to Julia Roberts. Except that they re not twins. He’s her estranged brother. But wicked he is.
In an interview he talked about his marriage, and he said that the key to a good marriage was that he was dominant in the bedroom.
Everything else his wife could have.
But in the bedroom the roles were traditionally divided.
I read this, and although I liked the idea of giving myself totally to Eric Roberts, there was something unsettling about it. Maybe it’s even the reason that after two decades I still remember him having said that in the first place. Something, in this recipi for a good marriage, turned me off… But what was it?
Now I know what it was; that a real sub needs a partner to be dominant all of the time. I don’t want anything to say, period.
And there is a reason for that!
Because pain, in the broadest sense of the word, arouses me.
For example; I like that Mr.Big has sex with other women. It turns me on. But the real reason it turns me on, is because it hurts.
I do feel the pain of being apart, or of having to spend important days without him. It does hurt me less than it would to other people, because I do have a giant inner-hermit. She’s the one who writes, and cares little for company.
But sure, she’d love to put down her pen to play sex slave to Mr.Big, far more often than she does now. But all in all, being alone from New Years day, and all other holidays from there on forth? It’s not affecting me the way it could be expected.
There this masochistic sweetness in the pain of not being his first.
Of not being his priority.
But even when that pain can no longer be tied to pleasure, and the uncomfortable starts to feel like the unbearable, and a wounded ego roars its ugly head, demanding to be looked after. Demanding a man of her own.
Even then!
Something else comes into play. And it’s exactly the mechanism that makes a real BDSM slave take more pain, and endure more humiliation.
Like a fucking God.
The knowledge that you, a consenting submissive, cannot be harmed. That physical or mental pain makes you stronger. Both types of pain do the same thing; They make you turn inside. They’re like mental silent seclusion. You have nowhere to solve this, but inside.
Either you find a way to neutralize this pain, and refind your calm, or you bail out and the game is over.
Sure I can go find a man for myself, who will stop hurting me and will attend to all my needs. To all my superficial needs anyway. But come on! In the end, my need to be challenged, and the euphoria of being able to go so far beyond what used to be my limits – is much bigger than my desire to have someone with me on Christmas eve.
They say it is never the dominant who is in charge. It is the submissive. The dominant is the one working his or her ass off in order to please the submissive.
Sometimes it’s a paid relationship; the dominant mistress gets paid to hurt and abuse the paying client.
But even when it’s a coincidental pairing, where like I said no one gets paid and we have no financial ties, I feel like I m the one getting so much out of this.
Every minute he’s not with me, is either a chance to feel intrigued, and be turned on or it is an opportunity to grow. To learn to act confidently, face whatever dark thought or self-doubt is triggered this time.
And give it a fucking wink.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
get me on facebook
hang out on twitter

You can find my 10 books in my shop.
standard 25% off!! (my gift to you)

recommended for UK and US readers, the book about my affair with Mr.Big;
Big, erotica and diaries (2017)

aanbevolen boek NL:
Witte Tijgerin +
Het boek Benjamin, verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands
Het verzameld werk is inclusief Big- het Engelstalige dagboek over mijn affaire met Mr.Big

Witte Tijgerin (€5) en Het Boek Benjamin (€45) zijn ook te koop bij de Feeks 
Zij regelen ook de online bestellingen.

Als je yogales bij me volgt in Nijmegen kan ik het ook voor je meenemen naar de les.

Reboot. Episode 5 Mistress


I realized I’m most effective and focused
when I give myself a project.

Charlotte Shane – Prostitute Laundry


Lauren gives book readings, sees friends, and just generally goes around like any normal aspiring writer.
Which is of course a recipe for disaster.

Saturday November 25, 2017

I have many beliefs and one of them is that if doesn’t feel good, it’s not good. It’s not your path, not your match, not the thing you came here for on this earth.
Yet at the first sign resistance I find myself rationalizing why I should – and do – continue anyway. I don’t even seriously look for alternatives, as if there is some kind of medal for pushing things uphill.
But this time I received clarity before I got a chance to get lost.
It all started with my first book reading.
On my only available weeknight – the only one off from teaching – I read at a local bookstore. I had made a selection of stories, and tied them together to a theme that suited the occasion. Afterwards I went out with friends who had come to see me; and by Thursday I was convinced giving public presentations was my new mission in life. And I had the whole thing on video! I would win people’s hearts putting this recording on my deserted YouTube channel, and it would help me to get booked.
Everything was absolutely great.
Until it all came crashing down.
Before the sun set I was so sick I had to cancel all my classes. I was terribly angry with myself for having done this public reading experiment on a weeknight. Any backlash would immediately impact my real work.
These were not the kind of risks I was willing to take in order to get my books read. There was no weekly energy budget that said; “For public readings”, or even for any PR for my books.
My LS Harteveld writing had already been colonizing on my workweek, and if I would expand to readings it would get even more out of hand for something I called a hobby.
Because I liked being a yoga teacher.
I had no intention of switching careers. Until summer the two occupations had been able to peacefully coexist, but now I was up till my ears designing my new studio program.
It was running its first edition and everything still had to be created. It was costing me ten to fifteen hours of extra desk work, every week. July 2018 I would be able to publish two studio manuals. I assumed the Harteveld writing and the work for the studio would settle back into place after that.
But I was currently I working crazy hour workweeks for the studio alone, and I didn’t have a minute to spare.
And on the weekends?!
Did I honestly believe that after a forty hour workweek for the studio, diligently refraining from LS Harteveld work, I would want to spend the weekend giving public readings?
I would want to throw myself head first into my writing Friday night, thirsty, needy, growling at anything that got in my way. And I would ignore all options presented to me, of cultural agendas and fun stuff planned. I did make an effort not to be a total hermit and went on dates with friends. But I would always work up until the last second at my beloved desk, rush, run and hurry and still be late for our date. I would enjoy it but not without secretly longing for the moment I could get back to my desk again.
I could see where I had make a mistake in my reasoning.
Because the night of the reading I had literally said;
“It’s been so much fun! It really feels as good as free time.”
I had completely overlooked that I don’t have a need for free time. I engage on it on a therapeutic basis.
And I had a quick nightmarish thought of going back to making videos, in order to get in front of people without having to leave the house, until I realized I didn’t want to do that either.
All I want to do is write.
August 2018 my new yoga program is all laid out and from then on I ll have ten to fifteen hours a week available to promote my LS Harteveld work. And I know exactly what I ll focus on. I know my true mission, and what every reading I ll ever give for the rest of my life will be about.
And it’s going to be awesome.
I ll tell you tomorrow.

To work
Sunday November 26

467full-scarlett-johansson Fifteen hours and counting.
I think I broke my productivity record this weekend. I wrote a Dutch blogpost about the upcoming show of my muse Rafael;
mailed my private list;
wrote the diary entry as featured above;
and I just completed the first chapter of my upcoming book about my mistresshood; Maîtresse
Which is one of the two Dutch words for mistress. It’s funny; usually Dutch needs more words, where English is more specific. But with mistress it’s the other way around. In English mistress can mean both a dominatrix or a lover. In Dutch we have two words- maîtresse, straight from French, and minnares – and they both mean lover. I chose the French one.
I actually saw daylight too! And got exercise. I had a long bike ride because I had a lunch date with my mother, an uncle and two aunts. They were by foot, and I would meet them halfway in their walk, at a fairy-tale like restaurant. It’s hidden deep into the woods, and there is only an unpaved road.
I arrived there half an hour late, but they were even longer delayed. Our mobiles didn’t work, making it even more nostalgic. I chose a pancake with more topping than a Domino’s pizza. It was really good, but I couldn’t help but think;
“This counts as dinner! This saves me time in the kitchen, so I can work more!”
A work addiction is such thing of beauty!
Anyway, so I actually saw daylight, exercised and also did something social. Which is an exceptional score for me. Otherwise the whole weekend was just write, write, write. The way I like it. And I even skipped my a.m. journaling and mindset practice, which includes writing down a Charlotte Shane quote in my diary. My real diary! Not some notebook reserved for mindset work, that I ll toss when I m done with it. I m actually giving her a spot in the most precious diary of all, that will be filed when it’s full. Which is not for a long time, I don’t write much there lately. Everything either goes straight in here, or it stays undocumented.
But I was going to tell you my purpose work!
What it was that the book reading, the rebound, fallout, whatever you want to call it, made me realize. That I m NOT a normal author who wants to promote her work. My books, like this diary Reboot that you re reading right now, have served their purpose once written. I ll make an effort to make it nice, do some editing, and publish it.
 I m extremely proud of all my books. 
But I don’t need more work, promoting them. But I did realize that I do have a message. That my vision on solitary women with multiple sex partners (White Tigress) as well as my vision on being a mistress (solitary women with only one partner) is unique and dearly missing from the options we give ourselves as women.
And I do want to write, and message, and perform or talk about that.
I don’t know how many speaking gigs I ll be able to squeeze in with my regular work – but we ll see when the time comes. For now I ll just focus on creating my core work, my message.
I already have the Dutch White Tigress/ Witte Tijgerin guide, and I m currently translating it to English. And as I said, I started my Dutch Mistress guide today. Once I finish it I ll translate that to English as well.
I m going to give the White Tigress/ Mistress project my full attention and launch January 19.
Oh to hell with it… I ll do another book reading!
After all, it’s a Friday.
If I crash and burn the next day, no one will notice.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

nieuw Nederlands blog Zeg maar Lauren

You can find my 10 books in my shop.
standard 25% off!! (my gift to you)

recommended for UK and US readers;
Big, erotica and diaries (2017)

aanbevolen boek NL:
Witte Tijgerin +
Het boek Benjamin, verzameld werk Engels en Nederlands

Witte Tijgerin (€5) en Het Boek Benjamin (€45) zijn ook te koop bij de Feeks 
Zij regelen ook de online bestellingen.
Als je yogales bij me volgt in Nijmegen kan ik het ook voor je meenemen naar de les.