Categorie archief: I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

My Year with Kat – How one woman can change your business and your LIFE. For free.

51wqFgHu9eL._UY250_If I have regrets it’s that I didn’t know Kat Loterzo 18 months earlier, which was when I first stepped onto the marketing path.
But maybe all those other freebies, coaches, paid programs, books, and spending hundreds of euros on Facebook and Google ads were necessary to truly appreciate Kat.
Maybe it really takes throwing away one and a half year of your life, and wasting a king’s ransom rebranding your yoga studio, with marginal results – zero if you compare it to the costs I made to get those results – before you listen to the message of someone as LOUD AND OUTSPOKEN as Kat Loterzo. Who says it comes down to one thing.

And one thing only;
You being YOU.
A message so radically different than anything that calls itself marketing, no one will believe it.
Not unless you have hit rock bottom and learned the hard way that being the good girl, doing your studying, mapping out your packages, and knowing your ideal clients “better than they know themselves” (I m not making this up!) – that all those things are going to do absolutely nothing for you.
Let me type that again, Kat style!
Ab.
So.
Lute.
Ly.
NOTHING!
That it will only result in the way I spent last year’s holidays, decluttering my expanding collection of marketing materials. I almost overlooked the few things I had in there from a new coach. Kat Loterzo. 
Or Katrina Ruth, which is her new name. She rebranded herself about a month ago. 
This new coach Kat Loterzo, was just a few A4s in my marketing folder. And at that time she was so new, I didn’t feel I had to make a decision on her.
So I stored them, and more or less forgot about it until I watched a two hour YouTube video called 
2017 Manifestation Training
And I was mesmerized.
In retrospect it was the moment I fell in love with her. Although unwittingly.
One year after giving her my email address, and the Christmas sorting my marketing materials, I can now see how important she has been this year.
And that I ll spend this Christmas confidently clearing out the entire marketing folder, except the material I got from her.
Unsubscribing for all newsletters and leaving all communities, excepts hers.
And Kat will change your life too, before the year is over if:
1. you start feeling rebellious the moment someone tells you something should be done a certain way in order for it to work
2. you either have your own business or you would love to have one
3. you know which activities light you up from the inside
If you score three out of three (no cheating!), then Kat is your woman.
You can join her Facebook page here, or subscribe to her YouTube
Last week I made a few important decisions.
To focus on yoga, to write for yoga, to message for yoga, to make a living out of yoga, and to keep my LS Harteveld writing as a hobby. And had the two most focused, and satisfying weeks of the year. And two clients returning to me.

But it’s not the money that was coming in that made me so happy.
Kat was allowing me to be me. To listen to my heart and to speak my true message. I could feel that energy flowing through me.
Needing little sleep.
Being fully confident.
Then something incredibly sad happened in her Inner Circle. She posted a video about it, as she always shares what’s going on in her life. It was about someone I didn’t know, but I felt for her. She gave us an account, so we could donate money for a gift, if we felt inclined to do so.
I hesitated.
It was not someone I knew and I didn’t have a budget for expenses like this.
Then I said to myself; 
“If I get a new client, before the day is over, I m going to donate to this gift Kat wants to buy for their friend.”
I wrote three different blogposts and hustled my ass off.
When I came home from teaching I found an email from yet another returning customer, taking me up on the offer for the yoga studio.
I just wired the money to Kat.
She earned it.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My Year with Kat – How one woman can change your business and your LIFE. For free.
was originally sent out as a newsletter 8 December 2017

and will be included in my upcoming book:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

Four new books coming soon: 
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW – confessions and columns
3. Big Mistress – life and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The subscribe button to my newsletter Secrets is somewhere on the page,
probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
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The book, the guy and the filing cabinet

56fce34df43cbc13279d924dc987ea18--painted-file-cabinets-organization-ideasMy mother got me the most unusual gift. 
At least I haven’t heard of anyone ever intentionally acquiring one of these. And it’s not something that ends up in your house without serious intent and commitment!
I ve never heard of anyone putting one of these on their wish list or owning one. Aside from my mother and her parents before her.
I don’t even know of business owners owning them!
And I know a lot of small business owners.

What my mother got me was; a metal four-drawer filing cabinet.
(not the one on the photo – that’s how mine would look if I would invest in painting things so they look nice!) 

She had purged her archives and one of her four metal (grey!!) cabinets had become available. 
There was only one condition: I had to arrange for it to be carried up the stairs of my apartment. I probably have to give my firstborn to ever compensate my friend for that favor but it was worth it.
Since yesterday, I am the proud owner of my very first, metal, fire-resistant filing cabinet.
Which in 2017, a time of collective decluttering, Marie Kondo and minimalism, feels absolutely ancient. 

I felt we were hauling a Second World War relic up the stairs.
I also received about two hundred folders, but you can also store ring binders, photo albums and diaries in there, without putting them in a folder.
“That should be enough to get you started,” my mother said when she gave me the box of folders.

At which the friend who was helping me responded;
“You can now compartmentalize your life into two hundred separate bits.”
How neat.
So no, I m not short on folders. But I can tell you, that cabinet? It’s FULL. Not a 100% but only because I haven’t stored or sorted through still-to-be-processed photoprints, didn’t file my correspondence in there and didn’t include my photo negatives, nor the four kilos of children’s drawings my mother returned to me.
Now that I had a cabinet, I was old enough to file my own drawings.

Although there is too little room to store everything I want, the result is phenomenal.
I can now take Facebook’s memory feature “What happened X years ago” to a whole new level. 

I can show you what I did on this day 26 years ago! 
My diary, my agenda, my photo album, my folder with souvenirs; 
I can see it at a glance!
And I happen to know, that 26 years ago something HUGE happened; I met Benjamin.
I know exactly where it happened, and yet there is almost nothing that reminds me of it…

Someone took a picture of me at the event, and it coincidentally had him on it as well. That’s all that remained.
All other evidence got lost.
I know there was a paper trail surrounding the event and there is also one agenda missing. It’s the one agenda I threw away. Maybe it was in an effort to be normal and to get rid of an agenda as soon as the year had past. Or maybe it was because I knew exactly how important it was and therefor I wanted it destroyed.

Fifteen years later I started to reconstruct our history, in the Dutch novel Mango.
I kept on writing which became in the English book Dutch American Diary.
For six, seven and ultimately eight books, I wrote about Benjamin. And after their release, I created one collective work: 

Het Boek Benjamin (The Book of Benjamin)
For whatever paper trails and agendas I destroyed, whatever log I failed to fill out and whatever diary entries I didn’t make;
In the end the story of Benjamin produced more written evidence than all of the four drawers of my filing cabinet combined.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

The book, the guy and the filing cabinet was originally sent out as a newsletter 30 August 2017
and will be included in my upcoming book:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

The subscribe button to my newsletter Secrets is somewhere on the page,
probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
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pop-up shop: Bestel nu je LS Harteveld boeken

My diaries en erotica are available at
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
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with the flag in the upper right corner.

new books

I’m in the process of publishing my new books:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW – confessions and columns
3. Big Mistress – life and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

19 in 1991

61id7dm4b6L._SY679_It wasn’t like the summers we have nowadays, with an extended warm spring and the rain setting in half-way July.
Not like this year, where every half day of sunshine is compensated by torrential rain, and you start using central heating before the holiday ends and school begins.
It wasn’t anything like that.
There are pictures of the hot day I moved out of my parents house, sun lit pics posing in front of my new house, happy.
Bright hanging trees on my introduction camp from University 
and a group photo with a radiant 19 year old me beaming between all the shorts-wearing boys from my class.
I would develop a crush on almost all of them, yet by Christmas the feelings were gone.
They didn’t stick.
I met the love of my life, and it would take me a whole year before I recognized him as such.
I met my muse, a man I still think about frequently. Yet it would take me 14 years before I started writing about him.
 It’s been 20 years and I know that sometimes the significance of something, or someone, is not clear at the moment itself.
 I left the love of my life a few years ago, he is now living with another woman.
And I never saw my muse again.
Since two months I have a boyfriend, Valentijn. It’s my first relationship since I became single in my mid 30s.
 Valentijn is young, ambitious, figuring out his life. Yesterday he had his first day of his higher education.
 New people, new girls. The first day at college had been a true peak experience, and one he wanted to share with me, so he called me at night.
 From the two of us, he’s the romantic one;
 Ensuring me he wants me to be part of his life, not to worry, not to compare, and he hugs me and tells me to have faith.
 Yet I know, there is no way of telling what is significant, or who.
 But he’ll know that 20 years from now.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

19 in 1991 was originally sent out as a newsletter 31 August 2011
and will be included in my upcoming book:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

The subscribe button to my newsletter Secrets is somewhere on the page,
probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices + free shipping Netherlands *
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

 Nederland: tijdelijk geen verzendkosten en keuze uit het volledige oeuvre (10 boeken!) Gebruik code ONESHIP bij het uitchecken –

new books

I’m in the process of publishing my new books:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW – confessions and columns
3. Big Mistress – life and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

tumblr_lz2qhqxqa81qfgkudo5_r1_250

{ originally posted in 2016 }

” I ain’t changing my show.”

ll give you the options. They just told me that there’s been complaints. That there are simulated orgasms, blah, blah, blah. It’s against their rules and regulations.”

“I am not changing my show.”

“I know you’re not, but can you wait five minutes for me to straighten it out?

“What’s to straighten out?”

Hopefully we can change their mind.”

” All you have to do is tell them I’m not changing my show.”

Madonna right before the Toronto concert,
from the movie Truth or Dare

The most frustrating thing about reorganizing your business, about choosing your target market, and doing market research, is that 98% of your work will be the wrong direction, will be eliminated, will be obsolete and a dead-end road, no matter how great it looked.
And only 2% will lead to the next step.
And then that too will not work out and your work starts all over again.
The past few days have been the most frustrating experience ever.
So the 2% that looked promising were:
Yoga for professionals, leading to
Yoga for entrepreneurs, leading to
Yoga for men, leading to
A DEAD END ROAD
Dead end road because I would have to stop writing under my sexy pen name because men are unable to focus on yoga if they think of sex all the time, requiring a reversed coming-out on my pen name persona.
This was something a man who would have be my dream client (had it been a sales conversation) pointed out. And it made me realize that he was right. He was right that my writing was a problem if it hadn’t been for one little tiny detail.
(I m gonna yell now)
MEN HAD ALWAYS BEEN A PROBLEM
Not all men. Most men had not. But if there had ever been problems, it had been a man, and it had been because I was a woman.
Years and years before I had my coming out as a sex writer.
In fact, it has not happened since!
So yes, I was irritated when he said I would have to hide “her” again.
But especially since I realized that even if I did that (which would be spiritual suicide) it would never be enough!
I was by definition the wrong person to target middle aged heterosexual newbies.
And if I traced my steps back this was also an obstacle to yoga for entrepreneurs, and yoga for professionals… I was so on the wrong track.
72 hours, and I had absolutely nothing to show for.
Back to the drawing board.
But I couldn’t let it go… not something that I had been so excited about. I love men 40-60! And I can understand perfectly why they refuse to start yoga, if it means taking group classes between singing bowls, women, and Patchouli scented candles.
In one last attempt to make it work, I mused over all the things I would have to do in order to create a neutral, yet powerful and success driven studio, with strong professional boundaries and an impeccable reputation.
1. Move to a fancier studio (starting at four times my current rent) or specialize in house calls.
2. Invest in a killer wardrobe.
3. Stop making cheesy Madonna videos.
4. Stop using these childish Crazy Sexy Cards.
5. Kill my pen persona or at least ban her to the darkest corner of the internet and swallow the key.
In short: I would have to give up everything I love about my work, love about my life, and sell my soul to the devil in exchange for a still not guaranteed baseline income.
And I knew I would hold this against all my future clients.
I had not changed a thing yet, yet I already felt resentful to the bone. I hated them for making me hide my identity, reversing my coming outs, and undoing any and all personal development of the last 25 years, so that yoga would be something they could digest from a teacher that didn’t confuse them with mixed signals.
But more, much more than this tribe of imaginary future clientele, I hated someone else;
I hated myself.
For being a coward. For backing out. Lying. Pretending. For having shame that I liked Madonna, Crazy Sexy Cards, sex, and teaching yoga.
And that I loved my terribly modest but incredible cosy basement studio.
You can’t please everyone, that is for sure. But you don’t need to. In fact I think the idea of doing something to please someone else is probably the root of all evil. For the reasons as mentioned above.
You re giving away power and you will hold that person accountable.
You will create grudges and will stop growing as a person, if you behave inauthentically in order to please someone else.
It’s always better to be resented for something you are, than to be loved for something you re not.
So they’re all welcome; the burned out professionals for relaxing yoga.
The skeptical entrepreneur to find the meaning of life.
And the heterosexual yoga newbie who wants a Rock Star package.
But it will have to be with me. Exactly as I am.
I ‘m not changing my fucking show.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW will be included in my upcoming book:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

To read new posts and updates follow Twitter;
Facebook 
or subscribe to my diary HERE

NEW  connect on Linkedin

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I’ve switched species

3a_3b{ originally written in 2017 }

Ever since I became single, I ve jumped down the rabbit hole and have been kind of surprised that even after ten years, it’s still a mess. Year after year, the thought grew stronger that I really needed to get my shit together.
Act like an adult.
Get organized.
PLAN – to stick with, not to then do something completely different.
Get some sort of control over my life.
Less than a year ago I still aspired this. I wanted to have a balanced life with a smooth running business, which I’d manage in a few hours of strategic desk work to then emerge a peaceful, poised example of a yoga teacher to my students. I would be like the always friendly smiling Marie Kondo of yoga teaching;
I had culled my life from all things chaotic, rooted out any disruptions, and lived my perfect yoga life.

I would also do ninety minutes of yoga every morning. Without checking Twitter or Facebook in advance.
Well okay, just Twitter then.
I really expected to be able to minimize my life and be off at four every day in order to, and remember the coach who said this; “Shower my babies with hugs and kisses”
That’s what adults did!
They managed their shit.
They didn’t get up in the morning promising herself she could touch her computer just a wee bit, to write a tiny little Facebook post. And then still be there at 4 pm, naked in a bathing robe, with coconut oil dripping down your face from your hair mask. That was entirely unprofessional!
For at least a year, but probably longer, I fought to get it right. Until one day, late December 2016 I discovered a coach who was something completely different. She didn’t organize, create, plan. She didn’t play by the rules, because she had been so long in business there were no rules when she started. Oh, and then there was that year when she did learn how to do things properly?
Know what happened?
She ended up a 100K in debt.
Hitting rock bottom made her return to what she had always done. And what she knew best; to do it her own way. Except this time, she really went all in and just UNLEASHED.
Oh. My. God.
It’s a good thing she has nannies and self-confessed has “reached the point where I don’t even know how to operate a washing machine” because unleashed does not sound like a safe condition to welcome the children home with.
But boy, does it sound exciting!
And yes, I know what she means.
She now laughs at coaches who teach you how to run your business in part-time, so you can have more time off.
“Time off of what? Your life?”
One time she was working in the lounge of a W Hotel. At 2 am she unplugged her earbuds, looked up from her laptop, and realized she had just spent four hours making sales, promotions, and creating content. And now everybody around her was dancing and the disco balls were flickering.
She had been pushing her multi-seven figure empire from the W night club.
The biggest mistake I ever made, was thinking I needed to slow down to gain control. There is no control if you are truly passionate about what you do. I tried quitting writing, in order to get around to publishing my books.
I literally felt like I had it nailed!
NO MORE WRITING!
Know what happened?
I started making daily YouTube videos, started organizing and reposting all my blogging, launched a video training for mistresses; And a year long program for my yoga studio.
In other words; while I was holding a firm lit on my writing, needing both hands, right behind me the fountain of creativity just EXPLODED!
Sometimes I think I ve switched species, ever since that coach.
It’s literally as if I am a whole new person than in 2016. Or as if the engine is already at six times more power, and the rest of me is still trying to keep up!
It’s so scary, but it’s such a big thrill.
And I understand why I was doomed to fail, at all those well-meant business advice formulas, and all that professional advice. You can’t tame, plan, smooth out or minimize something that can only be UNLEASHED.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

I’ve switched species  will be published in the first English book under my real name:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

To read new posts and updates follow Twitter;
Facebook 
or subscribe to my diary HERE

NEW connect on Linkedin

BOOK SHOP
Gives a 25% discount on all prices
Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

You don’t dream somebody else’s dream

cfcaf12f58f1d0b1fb557c34af1173ee{ originally posted 2017 }

This morning I woke up from an auspicious dream about me and a hot local writer, who has become even more stunning ever since I started writing about him.
Due to an unlikely turn of events the writer and me were located at the same building. Kind of an creative-urban-retreat thing that would last only for a few days. This was my chance to spend time with him, girlfriend free.
And I wasn’t the only one looking forward to that.
Soon enough we were more engaged in each other, than with our next novel. Our make out sessions were absolutely wonderful, and I couldn’t wait to take things further. But there was a problem.
I hadn’t waxed my legs.
Just like in real life, I had a few super thin hairs, scattered sparsely over my legs. So it wasn’t like I was growing legwarmers or anything, but it was a deal breaker non the less. I wasn’t going to get intimate with someone dramatically close to my dream man, with anything less than a perfectly groomed body.

I woke up with a strong desire to wax my legs.
But the dream was more than that. In a few months I will see him, and I had pictured our rendez vous as my personal reward for getting my new body. I ve designed a program where I will get my pre-work addicted body back before the year is over. But despite having the best intentions; Despite knowing exactly what the main reason is I gained this (hence the classification pre-work addicted body);
Despite my yoga practice being accountable, because recorded for my membership group?
It still didn’t work..
Painful as it is to admit, I m getting nowhere. Well, almost nowhere. I did seem to have lost an inch around the belly, and my body has responded incredibly well to the few work-outs that I actually did, but mentally?
I m nowhere.
This weekend I gave in to my suppressed and therefor accumulated need to write blog posts, and I totally binge wrote. My awareness was either with the party I would later write about, or with the stories I was forming in my head running some mandatory errands, or my awareness was in my computer.
Which was my favorite place, because then I could get stuff out of my head and into a blog post.

After every blog post I felt light and refreshed.
But I was also hyper aware of my deplorable physical state. Unshowered, hadn’t seen daylight, still in pajamas, and it had gotten too dark to record a good yoga video. Should I miraculously have found the inspiration to do anything more than taking a shower for half an hour until my limb body parts had some life in them again.
And the addiction to writing hit me even worse because I still had the dream of losing 15 kilos and getting my old body back! But Plan A – getting fattening stress and work addiction under control – was absolutely unattainable. And my idea of becoming addicted to my yoga mat instead was downright hilarious. But getting thin with a work addiction, felt as impossible as dropping the pounds on a diet of peanut M&Ms.
The whole reshape plan had to go back to the drawing board.
This morning, I realized; you don’t dream somebody else’s dream. And you don’t live somebody else’s life. If writing comes through me, and wants to be born through me, not someone else, then that is my dream. That is my life. That is ME.
And if I have the desire to drop 15 kilos than that is my dream as well.

By thinking the only way I can lose weight is by ditching the highly addictive, blog based, daily online writing, I am basically sacrificing one part of myself for the other. It’s as stupid as cutting off an arm in order to lose weight; you’re going to need that, and it’s a part of you!
Not only do I believe that you only dream your own dreams.
I also believe that once you dream it, you can do it.
Plan A might have flawed, but I m glad it did. Because now I am forced to look for a way to manifest that the dream of having quiet time on the mat, and being athletic and thin, without cutting off the proverbial arm of my writing. If I currently, in this moment, have both dreams (of being thin, and being a writer), it means both dreams are mine, and both can become reality.
I don’t dream someone else’s dreams. Not one, not two, not even if I had a hundred of them they would still be all mine to have.
And even if the hot writer chooses his own path, makes his own decisions, and does not end up with me in December, it still doesn’t mean the dream wasn’t mine to have.
Just that I need to wax my legs more often.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

You don’t dream somebody else’s dream will be published in the first English book under my real name:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

To read new posts and updates follow Twitter;
Facebook 
or subscribe to my diary HERE

NEW connect on Linkedin

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Select your store f.e. Nederland or United States
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You can poke my face anytime

May 17, 1950, Beverly Hills, Marilyn Monroe{ originally published late 2017 }

The year is drawing to a close, and I can honestly say that it is ending on the sweetest, highest note imaginable. For the first time in my life, I have “hacked” it.
For good.

This has to do with me finding my true calling and purpose work. But also with something else that I seem to get new levels of understanding of every time.
Love;
The joy is in the giving.

I have a little cat Max. He and my other now deceased cat Willem, have kept me more or less permanently home bound since 2009. My last night from home was in 2015 and I get a professional babysit to clean up and serve an extra portion of canned food, if I leave the house for longer than six hours.
Max is my number one priority.
But giving your time, money, energy without second guessing it, to a creature or a human trusted to your care, is the highest joy imaginable. If you have children (or a pet that you are attached to) I don’t have to tell you that. You know how good it feels to give it your all.
But to me, these dynamics were unheard of.
I had loving parents, but they never told me;
“It gives me such great joy to be here for you. I hope one day you ll have children (or if they were really broadminded; a pet) of your own because it is the best thing in the world.”
They didn’t say that.
And I do often hear;
“Children ask so much of you, but you get so much in return!”

No.
No “but” .
Because as soon as you make it conditional, you re on the wrong track.
People do it in relationships as well;
“I need you do this this and this for me.”
No, you don’t. Not really.
If you love someone you’re here to learn to stay true to those (your!) feelings, despite them behaving worst case scenario, in the most despicable way. That is your job. That is your reward. Not to have them behaving the way you think you want them to.
Don’t get me wrong.
I am very protective with regard to my boundaries. If a friendship or relationship (basically any other relationship than your child or your pet) threatens my financial security, my physical well-being or mental health? I will break up with them.
But that’s something entirely different than to stop loving them, or to be angry with them for breaking my trust or behaving in a certain way.
And the great news is, that if you do this consciously? If you overcome your ego (that demands that someone should behave like X, Y or Z, in order to be worthy of your love) and step into loving them instead? No matter what?
It’s pure ecstasy!
Like a love bomb exploding in you head.
Now with Max things are a lot less complicated. He wakes me up multiple times a night. He pokes my face, very gently, with his paw. And meows. He usually wants me to lift the blankets or he wants more canned food. And when it s not one of those two things, I assume he wants to be cuddled because I m kind of running out of options.
But whatever it is he needs? And no matter if he wakes me up once, twice, or waits until the morning before he pokes my face? I m always so happy I can do something for him.
That he s giving me an opportunity to be there for him.
Because the biggest joy is always, without exception, in the giving.
That is the return.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

You can poke my face anytime will be published in the first English book under my real name:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

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