Categorie archief: Kylo Ren

The Hero’s Journey episode 4 Prepare my ship!

Christmas 2017 I started my Hero’s Journey; a year long challenge of doing one or two hours of yoga a day. You can follow this project for 365 days on this page and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.

This is a photo from the original Star Wars The Force Awakens. If you look closely you can see there are hearts in Kylo Ren's eyes (when looking at Rey)

This is a photo from the original Star Wars The Force Awakens. If you look closely you can see there are hearts in Kylo Ren’s eyes (when looking at Rey)

PREPARE MY SHIP!!
Restarting, rebooting and COMMITTING this Valentines Day

I will be the first to admit my Hero’s Journey (the resolution to do yoga every day for one to three years straight) has failed.
At least it has if you measure it by;
The number of sessions practiced;
The number of diary entries written;
The number of times I was open about what was really going on, and what made me fall off the wagon. Hard.
I had little cat Max dying a month ago. I was open about that. For a week or two things did seem to settle just fine. It was as if I was living a lighter version of my life, where I could not fail at taking care of my little fur baby. Not that I felt I had failed.
On the contrary.
For over 18 months I was completely dedicated to taking care of him. I never left the house for more than a few hours and if I did leave longer I had a babysit.
I had not failed.
But I was never without fear that I would.
Either because I would accidentally step on him, or lie on him in bed in my sleep. Or fear I would be involved in an accident which would kill me or hospitalize me, leaving him without proper care. I was always scared that regardless of how much I dedicated my life to him, that didn’t mean it couldn’t end in failure.
Or in drama.
Like, maybe I would have to euthanize him on the weekend, with a doctor we didn’t know.
None of that had happened.
He had lived a long life, and I had given it my all.
I missed him, and the first two days when he wasn’t buried yet – yes, I was shaken.
But after Max’ funeral, I could feel the lightness that I didn’t have to worry anymore. That, as far as he was concerned, everything had gone right. Me missing him was not as important as him having the most beautiful life any cat could wish for.
And especially such a forever baby cat, who wanted to play mommy and baby cat all day long. What better cat mom that one who stays home and in whose bed you can sleep.
But then something happened.
I derailed.
And I had no idea how to pick my life back up.
And even on moments when I was less bothered by It, other aspects of my life – things that had ceased to bother me, or so I thought – they all came back.
I realized only too well, it was pointless to either focus, or communicate the events that caused me falling apart. They were merely the trigger. The bigger picture was that I wasn’t stable at all, in the lightness that followed Max’ death. And that if this trigger had not happened, something else would have.
There were countless sleepless nights.
And even more mornings where the first thing I thought was;
“Fuck. There was something really bad. What was it?”
Before I remembered The Thing.
And it made me feel sick, and scared, and awful. And although I STILL wish I could make it all go away, I have now experienced that same self-loathing in other situations as well.
I know it doesn’t have anything to do with The Thing.
The real thing, is me being unbalanced.
Me, having put off dealing with a couple of issues for a very, very long time. I call it deferred maintenance. Things I should have settled, or could have figured out sooner, but didn’t. I just modified my life a bit, worked around it.
The two issues are;
One; accepting myself the way I am and in particular my body – size, imperfections, needs, bodily functions. Everything. This is the problem that causes shame.
Two; accepting insecurity – stop being so needy of control.
This is the problem that causes fear.
A strong example of this that years ago I made my peace with being a mistress. I even realized this exciting, secretive position suited my sexual preferences like a glove. I am no thrill seeker, but I certainly saw this was the only area where excitement was of huge benefit to me.
If not even mandatory.
Yet now? In my unstable phase?
I fear being outed, and I have dreams of being murdered because I am his mistress.
These are the two things I want to learn – to accept myself, especially physically, and to become less fearful.
Learn to ground.
Give up control.
Today it’s Ash Wednesday, the start of six and a half weeks (forty days) of Catholic Fasting, and it’s Valentines Day as well. I have good memories of Ash Wednesday when I tied these forty days of spiritual practice to focusing on my love life.
This year, I want to focus on self-care.
I want to ground more, and step into my power, instead of feeling like a potential victim of anything or anybody. So here are my three daily things, which I will do for forty days;
1. one hour of mindset work
This means reading a book or watching a YouTube until something is sparked and then journal about it. Or just study personal development for an hour, that’s fine too.
2. do yoga for thirty minutes
Free style yoga – no script. This is the type of yoga that symbolizes for me a form of movement where you learn to be in your body, trust yourself, be aware.
You can’t rush through a freestyle practice.
The only way to do it is to be in the moment
3. work on my yoga business for at least 1 hour
I know this does not sound like giving up control, and I m sure it doesn’t seem spiritual either.
But seeing myself as an entrepreneur is definitely something that boosts my personal power. That’s why I included that.

There is one aspect The Hero’s Journey did not fail at all. This is the aspect of worshiping Kylo Ren from Star Wars. This was something I knew was my escape if Max died, my Plan B to catch me if I fall.
To just focus all that love and dedication on a fictional character.
After Max died I bought a Kylo Ren doll that I now take with me when I go on a trip. And today, Valentines Day and Ash Wednesday, I saw Star Wars 8 – The Last Jedi for the 8th time.
It reminded me of all those years ago when I made my love life the focus for 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter. That too was more or less coincidentally. I had bought that book, realized it was Ash Wednesday, and tied the two together.
So today I was in the theater watching The Last Jedi, and again, I realized it was Ash Wednesday, and I was watching my idol, or muse Kylo Ren, in the Last Jedi.
And I decided to make Kylo Ren too, the focus of these forty days. I called this post;
“Prepare my ship”
There is a little story to that.
“Shipping” means that you are a fangirl and that you want two characters to get a relationSHIP. In my case I am a fan of Kylo Ren and I ship Kylo Ren with Rey. This is called Reylo.
So I m a Reylo shipper.
This is not stuff I make up – these are all existing expressions.
Anyway, after The Force Awakens, which was Star Wars 7, the first Star Wars movie with Kylo Ren, there were already fans who started shipping him and Rey. I didn’t. I was one of the many, many people, who wrote off Kylo Ren because of all the bad shit he pulled.
Until this movie, Star Wars 8, The Last Jedi.
It’s just so obvious that Rey and Kylo Ren are in love, and that he’ll be redeemed. When I now see The Force Awakens – which is like DAILY because I bought the dvd earlier this year, I can’t unsee.
How did I manage to miss Kylo Ren being totally hunky AND “Reylo” in The Force Awakens?!
I wasn’t alone.
Most Reylo shippers didn’t become Reylo shippers until The Last Jedi. And one of the funniest things is these fans, these “shippers”, totally claiming one sentence, which Kylo Ren growls at his subordinates, refering to a battleship that he needs;
“Prepare my ship!”
And now there are Twitter accounts of Reylo shippers that have bios containing one sentence;
Prepare my ship!
Gifs;
Prepare my ship!
And now forty days of me watching Kylo Ren videos, watching The Force Awakens dvd, and diving deep into the spiritual practice of worshiping Kylo Ren.
Prepare my ship!

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

You can follow this project for 365 days on this page and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.

Als je in Nijmegen woont kun je nog instromen in mijn yogalessen in alle groepen waar nog plek is.

The Hero’s Journey episode 3 From Heaven

download (7)Christmas 2017 I started my Hero’s Journey; a year long challenge of doing one or two hours of yoga a day.

You can follow this project for 365 days on this page and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.

day 10 Wednesday January 3
22.30 Yin yoga while watching a Star Wars dvd The Force Awakens 1H
Too tired, cold and disappointed in myself to write much, but I m afraid I have to let daily writing go. I wanted 2018 to be the year where I made a daily blog post, but I know this is only possible if I get up at 6 every morning.
Basically to win back the two hours a day I lose on yoga.
And although for 24 hours I thought that was a good idea (who needs sleep!) I ve turned totally against it. I m going to give myself as much time a.m. as I need to do my morning routines and get my two hour yoga practice done. And then we’ll see about writing.
I created the two posts below – so that was one to two hours work – and I also wrote an overview blogpost on M Yoga International. This post is notorious for taking up huge amounts of time. Today four hours or something. And I went out for about five hours with my mother.
I can’t stand the ugliness of this log entry. So dry, hopeless. Why does it feel like in order to do yoga for two hours a day, I have to sacrifice writing?

day 11 Thursday January 4

Today was a total fuck-up. I did my writing but wasted about five hours trying to solve something as simple as changing the cartridges on my new printer. It has run six weeks on its default mini cartridges, and I already had non-original cartridges to replace them.
Which apparently it doesn’t accept.
Or it pretends it’s accepting it, and the store thinks I just fucked up the cartridge because I tear of one foil too many, and then I make an extra trip to the city only to find out it’s all still not working.
I thought if I would just push through I would get my printer running.
For Christ sake! I thought I was REPLACING A CARTRIDGE! How difficult can that be? I m considering dumping the printer and getting a new one because Epson seems to be renown for rejecting no brand – cartridges. I ve even gone as far as Googling and actually finding something mysteriously called Epson Status Monitor 3, which supposedly works magic in getting the thing running without the overpriced original cartridges. But now it doesn’t work at all. So I made it worse.
I failed yoga, failed getting my printer running, and wasted five hours of my life and work day.
I basically feel I failed at life.

Friday January 5
Dark Night of the Soul

I m starting to feel like Joan of Arc.
This was the second night in a row where I was prepared for the worst, but ultimately woke up in the light and surprised that the darkness of the night had disappeared.
Wednesday night it started with me waking up sick. I went for the toilet, convinced I was going to throw up. I came very close and went back to sleep with the bucket near my bed convinced I would need it, but instead it passed.
So weird.
I was sure I had gotten food poisoning or the flu and didn’t understand how either one of those could go away. I woke up feeling fine.
Then last night, I already went to bed after three more hours of trying-to-fix-the-printer. I had gone to a bar, was home at 11, and was convinced that with the new cartridge (and new instructions on how to install it) I could make this new printer work. It had been running on its default mini-cartridges for five weeks and now that those were empty it had refused the no-brand cartridges I intended to feed it.
It wasn’t a blatant refusal, where you actually get a clear answer on what is going on, and a hint on what to Google. But I did find out Epsons came with a whole list of disfunctional behavior, and especially if you wanted to use non-Epson cartridges.
And I had basically been dissatisfied with it from day one because of a software flaw in their scanner, which was then denied by their customer service. But in the end I ended up rearranging my entire desktop so that the “scan button” of Epson’s immobile, static scanner window was even clickable and didn’t disappear behind my toolbar.
So I already regretted not buying a new Canon right away.
Anyway, the new cartridge didn’t work, all the hacks I found on Google did nothing except making the problem worse and then ultimately I ended up going to bed at two HIGHLY FRUSTRATED.
Then at night Max fell out of bed when he tried to use the little step I had created for him to get in and out of bed.
He tried to get up but for the next hour he stayed weak in his backlegs- an ailment related to him losing all his muscle mass.
Max is currently medicine-free.
I do give him pain-killer, but I stopped giving antibiotics for his parasite because the cooked chicken was keeping his diarrhea fully under control, and his stomach was quiet.
And he was already losing weight even when on twice a day antibiotics.
So I cancelled them weeks ago.
I went back to sleep at six in the morning, convinced this Friday the fifth of January was the day I would have to let him go.
I slept for three more hours and had two dreams.
Two different stories of me being at the VET, both with the same message: That I wasn’t ready, and it wasn’t nessecary to put Max to sleep.
I woke up and Max was indeed reasonably fine. He was hungry and ate a lot, and was more stable in his backlegs. His stomach was slightly upset though, making funny noises, as it has the last few days.
So I decided to leap and start antibiotics again, which have been effective in making him gain weight. I hope the time off from them has brought back their magic.
Now that I ve been at the point where I thought I had to let Max die, I have little to lose.
God’s speed, little Max.

Sunday January 7
A New Normal (or lack thereof)

After the dark nights of the soul (written Friday) I ve been trying to find a new normal. A way to function when Max seems to be so much weaker physically. What didn’t work was trying to make him heavier/ holding more weight by re-starting antibiotics.
When my first dark night of the soul was Thursday to Friday, with a weak cat who was otherwise fine. I had a second dark night last night, but with Max having diarrhea and appearing nothing stronger. If anything he appeared to be even weaker. So I stopped the antibiotics. I hope that was the right choice, that I didn’t overlook benefits for his rumbling tummy which seems more or less gone now.
On a more practical plane, I cut all work obligations that were not necessary. All yoga training and business training I intended to follow; all writing I wanted to do. The publishing of my books.
I cancelled or minimized it to the bare minimum.
So here I am, fourth day in a row without yoga and with vivid memories of how terrible yoga felt Wednesday night. How totally pointless it is to do yoga if you feel emotional.
It’s something I ve experienced before.
I knew this.
I just didn’t want to know.
Yoga is like a magnifying glass; it just enhances what’s there. Usually getting on your yoga mat will already make you leave your strongest resistance, fear, sorrow behind. But if you re capable of showing up fully armored, fully damaged, or fully confused? Yoga is gonna get you nowhere.
Which is probably why I feel more or less unapologetic for dropping out of the practice. Even on this 365 day journey.
I do want to go back to living the life of a yogi, and in that sense I m happy to have cancelled all non-nessecary work. But I feel drained, unstable and shaken. And every time I see Max trying to get up, and not being able to, I lose whatever balance I had brought myself to.
And the cycle starts over.
Now Max does meow, he eats, he headbutts. He can still get himself from A to B. Mentally he doesn’t seem much different from a week ago. It’s just the physical aspect that makes me feel terrible. And spread out too thin over work (preparing classes and teaching) which will start tomorrow, taking care of myself, and dealing with whatever it is Max needs.
Today I rearranged all my carpets and used my yoga mats to cover the slippery laminate flooring, so he has more grip. And it’s easier for him to walk. How symbolic that I use my yoga mats to assist him.
This last phase of his life (is it even the last?) is definitely a challenge. Just like the last time, 2015. My other cat had also been sick for a very long time and ultimately I had to euthanize him. I had experienced the same doubt, but ultimately it happened unplanned. He was in pain, and I got to the clinic as fast as I could.
So that was when the moment came the obvious choice.
But Max doesn’t seem to be in pain, and he also has a history of bouncing back from the most severe injuries and the worst diagnosis. He really has nine lives.
And I don’t know if he’s on his ninth yet, and if so, when or how it is supposed to end.

Monday January 8
Today was the first day I felt at peace. Now that I ve given in to the fact that Max is weaker, and that I will be more worried, need way more sleep, and am just in a phase where work needs to be cut back to the bare minimum – I feel way better.
No more agenda.
No more ambition.
Max is priority number one, and taking care of myself with as much sleep as I needed, daylight, rest, leisure, and yes – soon yoga too – priority number two.
And priority number three is my work, but in the net-net sense of the work:
Only my yoga work for my paying students. So this means preparing my classes, teaching them, and I ll start posting my memberships page on Wednesday.
And then that’s it.
Max. Self-care. Teaching.
Amen.

Thursday 11 January
Committed

My commitment to this challenge – A Hero’s Journey, 365 days of yoga – is both much bigger than I anticipated. As well as far less committed.
Less committed because me not doing yoga these days when my cat Max is so sick and fragile, and I worry sick about him – that missing those practices is irrelevant. It is not important at all. More about that later.
But “more” committed because in its most megalomaniac form I m seriously thinking about making this Hero’s Journey three years, instead of one.
And to let the three challenges be inspired by the three Star Wars movies. The current one, the first Hero’s Journey – from Christmas 2017 to Christmas Eve 2018 – was sparked after seeing the latest Star Wars The Last Jedi Friday before Christmas. By now I ve seen it four times, I m totally obsessed with “reylo” – which is the story line of Rey and Kylo Ren being love interests – and I own The Force Awakens dvd which I watch at least once a day.
The third part of the trilogy will not come out before December 2019.
So having evolved in my fanship hood since I started this challenge, doing yoga (which is my personal interpretation of a Jedi training) for one year suddenly seems a bit odd. Two years minimum. But three years makes the most sense.
But my commitment has also grown – in the sense that I know this is the threshold to my new life. I never started this challenge because I expected life would be good if only I could just make myself do yoga.
I started it because I knew I was in the final stages of my old life, and I would need something to hold on to when passing on to the next. My life as a single cat mother, with her main responsibility being her cats, is almost over. I never had the intention of making it to the mat on days when I walk around crying all day. Like I have today. The soothing effect of this challenge is in knowing that when Max dies, the yoga will be there for me.
That there will be an eternity where I can be on the mat without having to interrupt my practice to clean Max’ poo; or to refresh his tender slow cooked chicken when it has become dry and he doesn’t want to eat it.
I don’t have to keep an eye on if he eats enough and come up with tricks and exciting new meals to seduce him to start eating again.
It will just be me, on my mat.
A feeling I haven’t had since 2009.
My boyfriend and me got Max and Willem in 2005. We split up in 2006, but we kept living together. For practical reasons and because we were good room mates. Eventually I moved out – on his request – but we agreed that the cats would stay with him.
It was something we had already decided on, the day we adopted them;
If we would ever split up, they would be his.
But it all went differently, and two months after I left they were dropped off at my place. After one night I could not believe I had lived without them for two months. We bonded a hundred percent. They became my life and my sole purpose. And in all the years that followed I took huge risks in my dating life. On an emotional level. But I ve always felt that the reason I could do that was because I knew my two cats were the love of my life. They protected my heart. And the obligations for them took up so much of my time and energy.
Willem had diabetes the first three years we lived like that, with the three of us. If you constantly dabble with insuline, making it on time for his feeding time and measuring his sugar levels – knowing that if you make a mistake your cat will die- there is no way a man can reach your heart.
Those felines were an impenetrable armor. And although I fell in love, had boyfriends, and was sad at times, it wasn’t the real stuff. I gave my love life a lot of attention but it was marginal compared to where my true loyalty lay.
Even my current status as a mistress is, although I m convinced that it suits my sexual preference for a 100%, even that risky relationship has been relatively easy because I knew what mattered in life; To love your cats unconditionally.
I ve always had a reason to keep my shit together, and I would never let drama get between me and them. Willem died in 2015 but ever since then Max has been the one guarding my heart.
I took him to the VET today and he was healed from a cold he had three weeks ago (when I also took him there). That was good. But on all other areas he was doing worse than three weeks ago.
I don’t know how much time we have left.
All I know is that I m committed, now more than ever, to be there for him. As long as he makes an effort to stay alive, and he does, I will have his back.
And he has my heart.

On Friday January 12,
less than a day after I made this blog post “Committed”, my cat Max died in my arms. He was buried two days later, in same grave as my other cat Willem.
Under the rose bush.
read Max’ Dutch eulogy/ In Memoriam here

Tuesday January 16

Slowly creating a new life for myself, after having been a single stay-at-home cat mother for nine years, I ordered a Kylo Ren doll and made this brand new video:
Love bombing Kylo Ren; Why every straight woman without a cat should have a talking Kylo Ren plush 

Thursday January 18
renewing my yoga practice

“You need a teacher.
I can show you the ways of the Force.”
Kylo Ren

Saw The Last Jedi for the first time after Max died, landing me in my post-cat era, and I feel the excitement for all the things I have wanted for myself for a long time. I’m going to start my personal Jedi yoga training. As Princess Leia said; “We have all we need.”
You can find photos of my Kylo Ren Yoga Journal here.

Friday January 19
yoga and my first day out

Did an hour of yoga, AM. Before going to work and teaching class. It was absolutely lovely.
And in the afternoon I went to a book presentation of Johan Fretz, which was in Amsterdam. It was my first day out in Max. Taking care of Max I had been unable to go away for more than four hours, without having to hire someone to take care of him.
I had not left the city in months.
That was wonderful too.

Saturday January 20
Writing spree

I didn’t do any yoga because something strange happened.. or at least it had not happened since Max died a week ago. But I felt like writing about the book presentation of Johan Fretz, which I went to yesterday. And I did. It took me about five hours or such, including editing. Maybe longer, it’s an estimate.
But apparently when Max died, my overwhelming, disrupting, blessed and cursed ability to write for hours on end didn’t die with it.
So good to have you back.
Johan Fretz is The Last Jedi (Dutch/ Nederlands)

Sunday January 21
Good Morning Kylo Ren
- my first month of being an Adam Driver fan-

I thought it would be a good thing to explain myself here.
Everything. Why I walk around carrying a Kylo Ren plush. Why I have a Kylo Ren yoga journal, multiple Kylo Ren yoga playlists and a daily Kylo Ren yoga practice.
Or at least I aspire to have that.
I only did one yoga session so far, Friday morning, but it was good. Best personal practice in years. And I do intend to do my Kylo Ren inspired yoga every day.
Make a lifestyle out of it.
But some explanation is in order on why this infatuation is hitting me HARD and why this excites me so much.
First the easy stuff though.
I think we can all agree that Adam Driver is the best thing that ever happened to Star Wars. Closely followed by J.J.Abrams giving him prince hair in The Force Awakens.
You can see this work of art in the larger photo below, where he takes off his helmet. But I already saw that hair two years ago and yet I wasn’t moved by that Star Wars movie, The Force Awakens. So when The Last Jedi came out in December, I didn’t even plan on going.
I would wait for the dvd, and watch some spoiler reviews on YouTube. But they didn’t spoil anything! The story line of bad boy Kylo Ren and good girl Rey, which I had managed to miss in 2015, just drew me right back in.
Suddenly I just go had to see that movie.
I went Friday before Christmas. By myself.
My little cat Max (he was old, just very tiny, and he liked to be held like a baby) was not doing well and he had to be fed as often as possible. So although I granted myself some time away from home, I wasn’t ready to invest extra hours socializing before or after the movie.
I would go by myself.
And seeing all those broody moments between Kylo Ren and Rey hit me hard but I still had a backup plan.
Because the thing that had been the most seductive about Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) had been his voice. A voice which, I assumed, had been modified and lowered in production. I would watch a few interviews on YouTube and I was certain I would be able to shake this.
Suffice to say; It did not went well.
Because Adam Driver turned out to have the same sultry voice in real life. And you know I just did some research and his voice in the first movie The Force Awakens was indeed a lot higher than in The Last Jedi. Which explains why that first movie didn’t get to me as much as this one did.
So here I was, watching YouTube in the middle of the night with an absolutely gorgeous Adam Driver who also turned out to be really cute and disarming and funny and basically everything you need from someone that tall and intimidating to get all soft and mushy inside.
He said the children in his building greeted him saying:
“Good morning Kylo Ren!” (at 12:45)
And suddenly all I wished for in life was an opportunity to say;
“Good morning Kylo Ren.”
I was toast. This man had gotten under my skin. Badly. But I adjusted. I was no longer in denial, and switched into worshiping gear. An art I have become extremely good at, because I started in my early teens. Like most of us do, it’s just that most women drop out of it at some point.
I never did.
I feel life is pale and stale without having an idol. I m not going to do that to myself. However it had been a decade since my idol was an American actor. In the meantime it had been Dutch writers, or real men who had been one hundred percent unavailable. I used them as muses and I wrote books about them. Without men I would not be a writer, I would just do yoga and journal. Two things I had been doing very little of.
Either way – having perfected the art of worshiping I started binging on Adam Driver interviews, changed my background on my phone to his photo, ordered The Force Awakens on dvd, went to see The Last Jedi a couple of more times, and I stumbled upon a little doll;
plush talking Kylo Ren.
I promised myself that if my cat would die I would buy this doll to cuddle with, sleep with, sit on my lap. I would bring the doll on trips, anything outside my city. I had not been able to travel for a long time.
The doll would be my new companion if my cat passed away.
And then he did.
After our last night together in which I received a vision of the sky parting, sun shining down on us, and me saying to him in my dream;
“Can you feel that? Heaven is opening.”
Friday January 12. It was the hardest day, toughest decision I had to make in my entire life. To let him go. Even though the real signs were a lot less esoterical than me having Joan of Arc dreams.
I was just happy that I had listened to my gut feeling; I had cancelled classes the night before, because I had a bad feeling about him.
We had spent the night sleeping on the floor so that he couldn’t fall out of bed.
I had helped him find the litter box and had fed him all the eight hour boiled chicken he wanted. Which was a lot.
But there was no other way. One and a half year after he started losing weight, and trying to find out what was wrong but everything failed, he was now barely capable of standing.
But he trusted me so much, so yes. It was hard. Like I said, the worst thing ever.
I brought his little body home and for 48 hours I indulged myself in company and mourning. I asked friends to come by my house, scheduled phone calls. I got home cooked meals at my sister’s.
In a few hours in between I wrote his eulogy. (Dutch/Nederlands)
Sunday morning I went to dig his grave, at my sister’s garden. Same grave as Willem, my other cat who died in 2015. I dug so deep that I found Willem. I wanted to, I needed to see he was still there.
Then I covered up Willem’s bones with a thin layer of sand, and I went back home. I changed my clothes and wrapped Max in a piece of a duvet cover, which I had saved for this occasion.
It was the same sheet I had used to bury Willem in.
The funeral was really small. My mother was there, my sister, and a friend. It was a beautiful sunny day. I read the eulogy, we buried him, planted the rose bush back and I had brought two vases with flowers. Also roses.
We went inside and my sister served tea and cake, just like a real funeral.
I was no longer a cat mom.
I remember when we put him to sleep at the VET and afterwards saying, over and over;
It is done.
It is done.
I can’t believe it’s done.
I had given it my all, both of them. Willem and Max had been the most important little beasties, but now my new life would begin. Without having to physically care for them, although in spirit they’ll always stay with me of course.
True to my own promise I went online to buy the Kylo Ren doll.
When he arrived I made this video
And two days later I made a Kylo Ren yoga journal, and Kylo Ren yoga playlists on Spotify, and I got up early so that I could do yoga with Kylo Ren in my heart.
Yesterday I traveled, for the first time. To a book presentation by Johan Fretz and yesterday I wrote about that. (Dutch/ Nederlands )
Kylo Ren accompanied me there.
He was wearing his travel blankie so that he wouldn’t get dirty or damaged in my handbag. My mother is going to make him a travel pouch, made from the same sheet I used to bury Max and Willem.
It’s a sheet reserved for all things sacred.
And every morning when I wake up, on my side with little Kylo spooning against me, I say.
“Good morning Max. Good morning Willem. Good morning Kylo Ren.”
And I get him out and press his tummy and if I m lucky he says;
“Don’t be afraid.
I feel it too.”

Tuesday January 23 januari
Prince Hair

Why did it take me this long? :D
I suddenly realized I had the perfect hair to get Kylo Ren’s prince hair, from the force awakens.
I made a video showing of my new mane

Wednesday January 24
Tarot & Kylo Ren yoga

Tonight I had another deep night of the soul. Which had not expected. Ever since Max died, my life has been pretty carefree. And yet there it was, unmistakably. Then I realized what was going on; I was on the half year marker of this year of my life.
It was the night where the witch had predicted a whole new era would begin.
yoga: 2 hours, free “Kylo Ren” yoga (that’s yoga with my imaginary teacher Kylo Ren)
using my Madonna ‘From heaven” playlist
It went really well but I had completely dropped out of practicing headstand and I decided to do it until it would come more natural. And it did, after the seventh time. But I was also sick.
After that I only did yin yoga, which is really slow, and can barely be distinguished from sleeping :)

Saturday January 27
videos
Okay, I have no idea if this is gonna work ;) but I did my yoga by making videos.
Here’s today’s class.
#1 Kylo Ren inspired Yoga 55 minutes – Part 1 Warrior Practice
#1 Kylo Ren inspired Yoga 55 minutes – Part 2 Dark and Strong

#1 Kylo Ren inspired Yoga 55 minutes – Part 3 Lunar Yoga

Sunday January 28
article on sex and Star Wars
Wrote my first full “meta” on sex in Star Wars!
Star Wars is finally telling women *cross out* everybody to start enjoying The Thing #reylo

You can follow this project for 365 days on this page and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.

Als je in Nijmegen woont kun je nog instromen in mijn yogalessen in alle groepen waar nog plek is.

READ THE NEXT EPISODE 4 PREPARE MY SHIP

Guide to Watch The Force Awakens dvd – Kylo Ren scenes only (30 minutes)

5fdfeb45bfd2a10269420e76df3ff1f3--adam-driver-starwarsUntil someone makes us a YouTube video with ALL Kylo Ren scenes (please?) the only way to watch The Force Awakens - Kylo Ren scenes only is to scroll manually.
Here’s your guide.

If Kylo is only in the middle of a scene I will add this (-+-)
If he’s in the final part I will add this (–+) and suggest you enter the scene by rewinding from the one after it.
And there’s one scene where he walks in and out (+-+-+)

* go to scene 5 *
1 Opening Logo
2 The Force Awakens
3 The First Order Approaches
4 Village Raid

5 Kylo Ren 

ends at; Kylo walking to his shuttle
* go to scene 11*

6 FN-2187
7 Rey
8 Niima Outpost
9 Rey at Home
10 Saving BB-8

11 Interrogation

ends at; “I leave that to you”
* go to scene 14 * 

12 Unkar’s Offer
13 Jailbreak

14 TIE Fighter Escape (-+-)
fast forward to the moment Kylo Ren walks in
ends at; “The one from the village. FN 2187″
* go to scene 16 and enter scene 15 with rewind* 

15
 Marooned on Jakku (–+)
ends at; “I suggest you get it.”
* go to scene 20 *

16 Crossing Paths
17 Marketplace Chase
18 The Falcon Flies Again
19 Introductions

20 Kylo Is Updated 

ends with: “What girl?”
* go to scene 25 *

21 Fixing the Falcon
22 “Chewie, We’re Home”
23 Corellion Stand
24 Rathtar Mayhem

25 Supreme Leader

ends with: “We shall see.”
* go to scene 28 and enter scene 27 with rewind* 

26 “It’s All True”

27 Meeting Maz (–+)
ends with: “Finish what you started.”
* go to scene 29 and forward to where Luke puts his hand on R2D2 *

28 Discussions of Destinies

29 Visions in the Force (-+-)
ends with Kylo drawing his sword in the snowy forest.
extra;  I like to watch to the tiniest whisper
“It’s Ben”
Right after Maz says; “Take the saber.”
option 1- stay on the main route -
* go to scene 31 and fast forward to Kylo Ren arriving and walking between the ruins* 

option 2- I REALLY WANT ALL OF IT
fast forward into 30

30 Starkiller (-+-)
Kylo Ren standing in front of the window overseeing the blowing up of the Republic (no text there)
* go to scene 31 and fast forward to Kylo Ren walking between the ruins* 

31 First Order Invasion (-+-)
ends at; “With a girl”
* go to scene 33 *

32 Resistance to the Rescue

33 Kylo Finds Rey
you could forward to where Kylo appears from behind the rock
ends with; Kylo walking into his shuttle, with Rey in his arms
* go to scene 36 * 

34 Reunion
35 Resistance Base

36 Rey Imprisoned (+-+-+)
ends with; Kylo ruining the interrogation room
* go to scene 38 and enter scene 37 with rewind* 

37 Resistance Briefing (–+)
ends with; The more dangerous she becomes
* go to scene 39 and enter scene 38 with rewind* 

38 Starkiller Landing (–+)
ends with; “Han Solo”
* go to scene 42 and fast forward to Chewbacca placing bombs* 

39 Base Infiltration
40 X-Wing Attack
41 Rejoining Rey

42 Into The Oscillator (-+-) 
ends with “find them”
* go to scene 43 *

43 Father and Son 
44 Dark Forest 
ends with; Kylo Ren and Rey fighting
* go to scene 46 *

45 Oscillator Breached 

46 Forest Duel (final Kylo Ren Scene)
ends with; Kylo Ren lying on the ground, the earth between him and Rey cracking open.
Rey turning around and running away.

47 Cataclysm
48 Made Whole
49 Finding the Master
50 End Credits

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Don’t want to miss my sex, Reylo and Kylo Ren inspired work?
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Rey all wet and shaken by the power that washed over her

Star Wars is finally telling women *cross out* everybody to start enjoying The Thing #reylo

maxresdefault (1)by LS Harteveld

- Spoiler filled, but most of all this is probably an incomprehensible piece unless you ve seen The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi -

Star Wars is a movie franchise currently on its eight episode. And what “The Thing” is?
Okay you know what The Thing is right?
One of the Reylo accounts I follow on Twitter (shoot! now I have another word to explain!) had put out a poll on what we viewed as signs of the collapse of civilization, and she additionally tweeted;
“I wanted to add “Telling women they shouldn’t enjoy The Thing” but that’s been happening for eons.”
That’s where I got the idea.
Reylos are a community who support the story line in the latest Star Wars trilogy that Rey, a good girl from the deserted planet Jakku, will fall in love with dark side warrior Kylo Ren or with “Ben Solo” his original name- before he passed over to the dark side.
Rey’s official Star Wars bio says, and to me (a Reylo) every word in this sentence is hot;
“She was captured by the dark side warrior Kylo Ren.”

See picture, above.
The interrogation scene between Kylo Ren and Rey is important for the story. As soon as Kylo Ren takes off his mask, she can’t take her eyes off him. Then he invades her mind, using The Force, and he says;
“Don’t be afraid, I feel it too.”
He is referring to The Force – which he uses for supernatural powers. But right now he can feel The Force between the two of them. Connecting them. She has always known “something” was inside of her, and she had Han and Maz briefly explaining what “the Force” was – just the general idea. But she hasn’t connected their explanations to what she feels inside of her.
“But now it’s awake,” she says about the power inside of her, in episode 8.
During the interrogation scene, due to Kylo Ren interrogating her with the Force, she learns how to use it for the very first time.
And intrudes his mind in return.
He leaves the room immediately, reporting to his Master, Snoke. Before capturing Rey, and before the interrogation scene, Snoke has already asked Kylo;
“There has been an awakening. Have you felt it?”
And Kylo answered: “Yes”.
The interrogation scene is the first time Rey learns how to use the force, yet both Kylo and Snoke have sensed Rey’s awakening days before. You know what happened, days before? And what (most likely) caused the awakening?
Kylo was on Jakku. Just for a brief moment, but his presence there was powerful enough to awaken the Force in Rey.
She sensed it. She sensed him. And suddenly this thing called “the Force” was awake in her. The first female lead character in a Star Wars movie, who uses Force powers, had them awakened by a tall warrior, covered in flowing black robes, setting foot on her planet.
And she learned to use them, not by receiving any formal education like all the Jedis before her, but just by being tied to an interrogation chair by Kylo Ren and having him kneeling before her saying in his sultry voice;
“You’re my guest.”
That’s how this girl learns.
Those scenes tell you that the Force, for this trilogy, is connected to the dynamics between Rey and Kylo. Not to the relationship of an apprentice with his Master.
Ever since The Force Awakens came out in 2015 there has been much debate over the fact if Reylos are right, if there even is a romantic story line between the two, but that’s another discussion and one I m not particularly interested in. For me it’s blatantly obvious that Rey and Kylo Ren are in love with each other. And judging by how gorgeous Kylo Ren looks, I m convinced Disney feels exactly the same way.
So that’s not what this piece is about.
This article is about what makes the story line so compelling. What makes this Star Wars saga entirely different from its predecessors, and especially the use of The Force.
And again, I m not talking about if you can fly through space using the force, or bi-locate yourself using it. Which were things that have been speculated on if this was realistic (???) and if they should have been in the movies. No, I m talking about the fact that if you watch the two movies The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, you can see something entirely new added to the equation.
Sex.
And not to make babies.
The “romantic tension” between Rey and Kylo Ren, as Mark Hamill the actor who plays Luke Skywalker put it, is only half of it. The other half, is sexual tension. And it’s precisely this sexual tension that is going to glue the entire thirty year old saga together.
Traditionally, so that means the first six episodes of the saga, The Force was used by the good guys, the spiritual warriors called the Jedi, and by the dark side, The Sith. But the latest trilogy is said to take an entirely different approach.
That of the middle, of gray.
It’s based on the notion that there can never be peace (balance) if we keep thinking in terms of good and bad. We have to accept the dark side of life, in each other, but also in ourselves. It is just as disturbing to believe you’re entirely good and clean, as it is disturbing to believe you’re a power driven monster who doesn’t need love.
That is the story of the third trilogy.
Back to Rey and Kylo Ren.
In the light of the theme of the third trilogy, their romantic story line represents the merging of the good (Rey) and the bad (Kylo Ren). We also get to know Kylo Ren’s soft side in The Last Jedi (the light within the dark) and we get to learn a bit about the aggression that resides in Rey.
Although for someone who watches the roaring rampage of revenge Kill Bill about twenty times a year, as I do, it is not that obvious.
200px-Yin_yang.svgBut I m taking other people’s word for it, that her fighting skills are rooted in aggression and that she seems to take pleasure in knocking people in the head.
So within light Rey, we have a hint of her darkness.
And within dark Kylo we can see the light shining through.
Rey and Kylo Ren are like yin and yang; each possesses a part of the other.
This new and improved vision on balance between the light and the dark, is also symbolized in the first Jedi temple on the island of Ahch-to. This temple holds the old Jedi texts – which will prove that the original Force users were gray, not good or bad. And the temple itself also contains the light; a tree above the ground containing the books.
And the darkness – a cold dark hole in the ground and sucks you into its waters and then scares the shit out of you with a mirrored cave where you are all alone with your greatest fear.
The tree, representing the “safe” cerebral wisdom of the Jedi, can be destroyed.
But the cave is inscrutable, and way more solid, being made from the sea and the rock that makes the island.
Luke is training Rey, and he’s instructing her how to meditate on the Force.
In her vision, she sees the big (dare we say “hairy”? Because it is!) hole in the ground, the cave under the island. It is calling her. She moves towards it, ignoring Luke shouting her not to. The hole erupts into a giant fountain, as if it comes from underneath her. From the rock on which she is sitting. A giant fountain, entering at her pelvis, and squirting up high into the sky.

Rey all wet and shaken by the power that washed over her

Rey all wet and shaken by the power that washed over her

She is knocked down by the strength of it, flings her eyes open, and wakes up lying down. Soaked.
And shocked.
But not as much as Luke, who looks at her, appalled.
“I’ve seen this raw strength only once before. In Ben Solo.”
A “raw strength”, that Ben Solo possesses? And that was awakened in Rey, by Ben Solo’s presence? That sweeps her off her feet, leaves her wet and exhausted, and uncle Luke appalled?
And then Luke basically explaining what just happened to her, by attributing the power she just experienced to his nephew Ben?
But let’s not jump to conclusions.
Let’s just, for a minute more, assume that Uncle Luke was referring to the dark side of the Force as it was portrayed in episodes 1-6; as a desire for universal domination, a possessive kind of love and the use of supernatural powers for your own personal hunger to control life and the people around you.
Uncle Luke was just concerned about Rey becoming Darth Rey and plunging the world into darkness and despair.
Next story.
It is nighttime on Ahch-to.
Rey has given in to her desire to explore what’s in the hole, and she has gone out to see what answers the cave could give her. She’s disappointed with its cryptic answers, and feels terribly lonely.
By now she and Kylo Ren, or Ben Solo, are being connected by the Force regularly. It’s like Skype, just that the other person can actually be seen and experienced in the flesh with you. And also – they don’t control it. They can’t dial each other up if they want to. The Force seems to connect them unintentionally. Although that too, is not true. If you look closer.
Before their first ever Force bond, Kylo was sitting in the medical wing and had his wounds attended to by a droid. Wounds that she inflicted. So he was probably already thinking about her.
In the scene above, she had just risked her life going straight into the darkness of the cave well only to be terribly disappointed and lonely. And there you go:
* Forcebond pops up*
“You are not alone,” Kylo says to the disappointed Rey.
“Neither are you,” she says.
And slowly she reaches her hand towards him.
Kylo Ren takes off his thick leather glove. Slowly. His master Snoke has been invading his mind from before he was born. Even when he was physically still with his parents, he already had this evil abuser inside his own head, corrupting him. Demeaning him. Switching over to the dark side was probably a relief for Kylo; at least his surroundings now matched his inner world.
But it was a world without love.
Kylo has never felt love in his life.
He reaches his bare hand to her. It is trembling. Her hand is steady, but his.. yes. There is a tremble. Their fingertips meet. The Force theme from John Williams sets in.
Watch it for yourself.
Article continues below video

Because The Last Jedi has not been released on dvd, all videos on YouTube are bad quality. (sorry!) But you get the idea right?
And do you know what Luke does when he barges in on the two?
HE BLOWS UP THE HUT!
Now does that seem to you like he would do that because;
a. Kylo is raping and beating Rey and about to kill her?
or
b. because Luke is a jealous old hermit who can’t stand the idea of Rey having sex, and especially not with his evil nephew Kylo Ren who by the way he, Luke, was supposed to train and make a good man of, but failed miserably?
Cock blocker Luke, we Reylos call him.
Or at least I do.
But not without acknowledging that Mark Hamill is both the nicest celebrity on Twitter, as well as the most heroic and epic character in The Last Jedi.
So no hard feelings.
But keeping Rey from her first night of experiencing making love, and Kylo from his first experience of being loved – that was a horrible thing to do. Even more unforgivable as betraying Ben Solo and giving him up to the dark side.
THIS WAS YOUR CHANCE TO SET THINGS RIGHT
Okay, I ll stop yelling at Luke.
Because there was actually a point in bringing this up. Aside from the point that the force bond between Kylo and Rey is absolutely not just a romantic one, but a sexual one.
Because Rey represents the light sight of the force – love.
But the thing that sparked it, that ignited The Force in her, was not love. Because Rey was a loving person all throughout her life. And although the Force has been there, inside of her, it was only sparked when someone who she would become sexually interested in set foot on Jakku.
And it is this aspect of the Force that Luke is afraid of.
He’s not afraid Rey will plunge the world into darkness. He’s afraid she’ll become sexually active with Kylo Ren. That is the dark side, Luke is warning her for. That is the “raw strength” that is connecting the two.
Raw strength is a referral to sex. Not to love.
A lot of people think the new Star Wars trilogy will be about Love conquering all. I can understand that, but
a. there has always been a lot of love between light side users. And this has never conquered anything. Yes, love has brought Darth Vader to the light, but that story has already been told.
b. Love being the key clearly doesn’t support the Gray Jedi idea, and the merging of dark and light. In my opinion they can only make Love conquer all the moral of the saga if they see Love as being the light dot, in the dark half of the Yin and Yang symbol.
But it doesn’t explain the dark dot in the white half of the Yin and Yang symbol.
Because that dot? That’s sex.
c. And the third reason I feel there is way more behind the Rey-Kylo Ren story line than a simple Romeo and Juliet theme is that Love is not a power that would scare the shit out of Luke Skywalker. Love is not the “raw strength”, about which he says;
“It didn’t scare me enough then. It does now.”
That is sex.
Rey is the first character in the Star Wars movies, with whom the dark side of the Force is (to me at least) only apparent in her sexual power. Like I said, I can’t see her going on a rampage of revenge, nor do I see her becoming a cruel empress of the galaxy.
Which leaves only one option – her raw strength, is a sexual one.
The key that awaked the Force in her.
For Kylo though, things are a bit different.
He has not known love, which is why his hand was trembling touching Rey, and he’s very familiar with the dark side of the force in terms of being mentally abused (by Snoke) and inevitably turning cold hearted and cruel himself.
Kylo is probably not a virgin.
He’s ten years older than Rey and his whole body language – especially in The Force Awakens – radiates that he’s highly comfortable in his own body. The way he fights Finn at the end of The Force Awakens – swinging his light saber, showing his physical dominance in a cocky, totally non-functional manner that is clearly connected to him being jealous of Finn.
Not to using the most effective way to take out an opponent.
That fighting style just tells that he enjoys being in his body, and that he knows how to move it. Especially when he wants to show his sexual superiority.
Just watch the clip. And also; watch how Rey, on the other hand, fights clumsily because she’s holding a light saber (!!) for the first time in her life.
And don’t forget the ending.
Where Kylo, sparing her life and not playing at his full strength because he knows it’s her first time and he fancies her, offers Rey the opportunity to learn from him how to use the Force and the saber.
Article continues below video.

“You need a teacher! I can show you the ways of the Force!”
Kylo shouts to Rey.
As Luke would say;
“Amazing. Every word in that sentence, was wrong.”
Because as soon as Kylo mentions the Force, Rey suddenly remembers everything Han and Maz told her about the Force, and what she experienced with Kylo in the interrogation chair.
The strength between them that Kylo referred to as;
“Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.”
She murmurs; ”The Force?” Suddenly remembering all of it. She meditates there, right in the middle of wrestling Kylo. She taps into the strength, swings out from underneath him, and rocks that light saber like a pro.
Soon the mighty Kylo Ren is on his back, covered in wounds she inflicted.
“Beaten by a girl who never held a light saber in her life,” as Snoke would remind Kylo, in the next movie Last Jedi.
From what Star Wars has shown us so far we can conclude that Kylo Ren represents the dark side of the yin and yang symbol. And the light dot within him, within the dark half of life, is love. Represented by his romantic love for Rey.
And Rey is the light side of the yin and yang symbol. She represents all people who like being good, loyal, clean, and reminds us that we can be more than that.
That there is a Force within us, that has always been there.
And not so much what, or how, but who will awaken that Force.
The Force will be impossible to miss, if it is taken out of its dormant state.
Don’t worry, we’ll feel it too.
And that it will be so fascinating, and calling us, that the only thing that makes sense is to answer the call and to jump into the cave of the unknown, to explore it.
And yes, you must be prepared to come out disappointed.
There will be no easy answers.
But the person who sparked your Force, whose presence you felt from half a planet away. The one who “felt it too” and who told you not to be afraid?
That person will be waiting for you, when you come out.
To complete your own saga.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Don’t want to miss my sex, Reylo and Kylo Ren inspired work?
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or subscribe to me on YouTube

Reboot. Episode 9 “You know I can take whatever I want”

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Everything changed when my cat Max died twelve days ago. And I mean aside from the normal grief of losing your pet.
Some things I knew beforehand. Like the fact that my heart would lose its first line of defense. You don’t get emotionally caught up in men or love drama if you have two fur babies to take care of.
Or one, as it had been just the two of us since 2015, when Willem my other cat had passed away. I was well aware that the moment Max would die I would need to get something else to occupy myself with, if I didn’t want to start obsessing over Mr.Big, didn’t want to disrupt the delicate balance in our mistress/ lover relationship.
And I did find someone else.
I fell in love with Kylo Ren, the character from Star Wars. And with Adam Driver the actor. The last weeks when Max was still alive, I promised myself that if I would lose him, I would buy myself a little Kylo Ren doll to cuddle with. To get at least some substitute for not having a fur baby around. I did buy that.
I even sleep with Kylo Ren the same way I did with Max; we spoon. And Kylo Ren talks when you push his tummy and he never does that during the night. So I know that I treat him just as carefully, as I did with Max. 
I have an idol Adam Driver to focus all the extra energy on, that became available from not being a cat mother anymore. And I have the little Kylo Ren doll to cuddle with. This part of the plan had been pretty well thought through.
Then there was the part that I knew beforehand I had no control over; how I would respond physically, when being made love to. I understood that my lover Mr.Big would be the one to encounter grief, the loss of Max, it its most physical form. And I discussed this with him over the phone. That I looked forward to seeing him, to the sex, because I would now have my full attention making love.
Not leaving twenty percent at home, because I knew I had to get back, and I realized Max would have liked me to stay and never leave in the first place. With Max gone I was going to be fully aware during sex, and I did look forward to that.
But that he, Mr.Big was also the only one who would be so intimate with me that any grief held in my body would be released with him. Probably not even in one session, but more in a series. Or every first time. The things that I expected to be reasonably neutral were kissing, hugging and giving him a blow job. But I had no idea what my body’s response would be to getting oral, or intercourse normal or back.
Those were things I could still get emotional over, even when nothing dramatic had happened.
Even though Max the cat had absolutely nothing to do with my sex life, I expected that would be where grief would find its way out. And in a way none of us would be able to control.
The planned part of grieving was covered.
Which next to Adam Driver and the doll, also involved countless rituals and daily habits here at home to honor the spirits of Max and Willem.
And the unplanned part of my body storing grief, and how it would come out, had been discussed with Mr.Big. 
And until yesterday, this seemed like all there was to it. That I was covered. I felt good too. Very good. Until today. Because a date I had scheduled fell through, and today is Wednesday – my only night off from teaching. So that meant I didn’t have other social interactions. And since I got behind on my work, wanted to do two hours of yoga, and I wanted to just relax a bit around the house, I didn’t plan for anything new. I didn’t try to replace the date for another social event. I just stayed home.
My first whole day of being home and not seeing anybody since Max died.
And boy, did that kick in.
I never felt lonely, probably because I had Max. I never understood people who didn’t like being alone, until I realized today I had never been alone; Max had been with me.
So now I know that days all alone by myself do not have the same charm as being alone with Max. I don’t like this. Max was the difference between being alone (with a cat) and being lonely.
The other change was my body, my sexuality.
Everything I thought I knew about my sexual orientation, started to shift. I masturbated today. This is something I have been doing more of since Max died. My libido has gone up. Not the first two days, when I still had his body here at home. Before the funeral.

I was appalled at the idea of masturbating when “he” was still here.
But after the funeral, burying him in my sister’s garden in Willem’s grave and I had a small ceremony with my mother, sister and a friend, afterwards I felt I was given a new life. A new home. A new relationship with my body.
I used to skip masturbation when he was with me in the bed, and I didn’t want to keep him waiting before we could cuddle. But it was more than just the masturbating today. I could feel a longing. For Adam Driver, Kylo Ren, Mr.Big. It was very specific.
“You know I can take whatever I want” is a line from Kylo Ren in The Force Awakening. And whenever I read it today, on Twitter – or just thought of it – it was as if all the sex Mr.Big and I didn’t have the past three years was poured over me.
All the fantasies we didn’t get around to. Yet.
Entire days of staying together in bed, days we never had.
But also all the things we did do, once or twice or a couple of times – but not enough.
All those things suddenly came back to haunt me. Now that I did have time for them. Now that I no longer had to stay at home and keep an eye out for Max.
And it didn’t stop there.
Maybe it was because I knew Mr.Big would always stay unavailable, unless something dramatic happened in his family (like a divorce, even that was something I didn’t wish for him) but all of a sudden being Mr.Big’s secret mistress was no longer enough.
For years I considered myself monogamous;
it enhances my pleasure to only have one partner.
I considered myself a mistress;
it enhances my pleasure to be in a secret relationship.
I considered myself a compersionist;
I like him having other women. One being the minimum.
All those things, all those aspects of my sexuality that had taken me years to figure out, it all started to change. I could feel a longing to be held, played with, devoted to. I wanted a real relationship, and my desire for secrets was gone. I wanted to be chosen. I became possessive and jealous.
And horny and demanding.
I was everything I never was, and of course our current relationship did not back this up. The fact that it had been over a month since we last had sex was illustrative of that.
I just reread my notes from our last date. There were two conversations there, that I had not written about yet. One was that it hurt, when he fucked me. I had just had my period and the outside is always more sensitive. When we were talking about this, afterwards, he said he had not felt it. That he usually does feel it, on the inside. When it’s too tight or painful in any way.
That aroused me, the thought that he felt things like that.
Still does.
The other was a conversation about our strange relationship, a mistress with her lover. And that it’s so equal because I m so in love with him. I have not thought about any other man, not even Adam Driver, when masturbating. Mr.Big is my sex life and this all stems from me being one hundred percent in love and not desiring anybody else.
On his part, things are of course more complicated. Because he is married so it seems like he is not as involved as I am. But that’s not how I saw it. I said to Mr.Big;
“It’s so equal. I give you my heart. But you give me your life. You could lose everything. Your marriage, your family, your reputation. You risk it all to be with me. And I risk you breaking my heart. You hold my heart in your hand. I hold your life in mine.”
It was perfect, and I felt blessed.
Until today.
Now I feel lonely and like there really is that big hole inside of me, that needs more sex, more love, more intimacy, more company. It needs everything I always wanted, plus everything I never wanted. And then more. More.
More.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Did you like this post?
Read “Big, diaries and erotica”
All these stories are autobiographical! And they go a lot further into detail than the diary post above.  you can get these hot stories here.

And I ve also written about (sex on) our last date (December 2017) HERE

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This is the Kylo Ren scene where he says: You know I can take whatever I want.

The Hero’s Journey episode 2 The Force Awakens

maxresdefault (1)Christmas 2017 I started my Hero’s Journey; a year long challenge of doing one or two hours of yoga a day.

You can follow this project for 365 days on this page and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.

day 1 Christmas Day 2017
20.30 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1 (solar 1 hour, 15 minutes)
First time in five years or so that I practiced this. Exciting.

day 2 Boxing Day, Tuesday December 26
21.00 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1 (solar 1 hour, 15 minutes)
Tough practice. Maybe the wine bit me in the ass, but I was horribly unfocused. Starting tomorrow, I m gonna do yoga first thing. Read why in this powerful blog post Before the Rain. No it wasn’t just the wine.

BEFORE THE RAIN

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
– Ernest Hemingway

Today a Dutch television presenter died, unexpectedly. He was only 48. And suddenly I remembered another powerful reason why I decided to commit to yoga.
To this Hero’s Journey of doing one year of yoga, one hour a day minimum.
Because working, or more specifically writing, has been eating me alive. This has been hard to swallow because I consider myself blessed. Other writers suffer from writer blocks, or insecurity, but I just get up in the morning and go.
There’s nothing I’d rather do, there’s nothing that comes more naturally, and there’s nothing that makes me feel more alive and in flow.
Yet, there is one very important aspect of writing which makes it a straining activity; it makes you feel awful.
Unstable.
Scared.
Anxious.
Because creativity by definition, stirs things up. It doesn’t calm things down. I imagine writing is a bit like giving a show on stage; afterwards the star feels drained and dreadful. Or amazing and hyped up. But never calm, nourished and fulfilled.
Restlessness and creativity go hand in hand.
And a writer? He stays with the piece. There is no “after the show”. There’s always something that’s not quite right yet.
And if he’s posted it to a blog, then this act of immediately putting it out there in the world gives it both an extra kick, but also an extra desire to keep editing.
You won’t believe how many mistakes I discover in the first hours after I ve already put the post out there.
It just keeps pulling me in.
And sometimes I even write (because I feel the desire/ inspiration) a second blog, newsletter, sales page. The stream of ideas is endless. I even resent calling them “ideas”. They’re way too demanding for that! They insist on being written.
Now I m on this yoga challenge, and I know that although I will be able to cross off my mandatory daily hour of yoga, there is one decision I have not made yet.
And I think I kind of knew I had to do this – but I was resisting it; to do yoga FIRST. To not even allow for the computer to be on until my yoga has been done. Not because the quality of the yoga is better. Nor because yoga “deserves” my first and best energy. But because creativity and writing definitely cannot be trusted with it. There are so many writers who advise to write in the morning, before anything else.
But I don’t need to do that.
I m pretty sure I ve reached the stage, that when ideas want out, I ll get them out. At 2 am with my eyes closed, if I have to. And I don’t necessarily need to “slow down” either, in the sense that I have any desire to change the way I write.
Like I said; I feel blessed.
Please, keep the blessings coming, amen.
But what I need to do, want to do, and starting tomorrow WILL do, is prioritize on yoga to do it first thing in the morning so that I build my foundation before the destabilizing blow of creativity. I always sleep really well, and wake up refreshed. I m going to consolidate that. To integrate the peace and quiet of the night, and hold on to it for a few more hours. And then unleash all the stories that are inside of me.
I don’t know why the television presenter died. From what I understood it had most likely something to do with his heart. Exactly the area where I feel most vulnerable. Last summer, I even suffered from a racing heart beat at night. Mild anxiety attacks too. I slowed down a bit, and forbid myself to go behind the computer at night. It’s 11 pm now… I m cheating again.
But I think the best way to avoid stress, anxiety, and ultimately early death (as far as this would be lifestyle related) is to delay going full throttle in the morning.
To give my body and mind a few extra hours to stabilize.
I m going to train myself, like an athlete, to grow stronger and more resilient. Because we all know when Noah built the arc.
Before the rain.

day 3 Wednesday December 27
21.30 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 2 (lunar 1 hour)

NOT THAT EASY

I still endorse the idea.
I do still believe that doing my daily yoga first thing in the morning – instead of writing, working, really whatever I feel like – is the best way stay more grounded before creativity derails me. And it would avoid getting stuck behind the computer for too long to do my yoga practice before I go out the door.
And then having to do it when I m back.
At a time when I really was looking forward to coming home and getting behind my desk to get the real shit done, more shit done, or let inspiration move me once more and get another piece of writing out.
Because whatever the day looked like – either writing a.m. or like today just reposting some things  and then out all day with a friend – I never feel like yoga later on in the day either.
I would simply always, as a given, prefer to get back behind my desk to work.
Always.
And yet every morning I think I m struck with some unique idea or situation which i will be able to solve or lock-in, working for one latte macchiato. But instead I end up working for as long as my agenda allows me.
So recapping yet another day where I had to do yoga at nighttime because my whole plan went AWOL – I see three things that I misjudge every time.
1. I keep thinking that the idea or the little piece of work I feel inclined to do in the morning will only take me forty-five minutes. Instead of an infinite amount of time which will only be defined by my next appointment out the door.
2. I keep forgetting that there is no such thing as one idea or piece of work. Ideas will keep coming.
And finally
3. I also keep forgetting that in the afternoon, and especially if I ve been out the door, I will have more ideas, or more finetuning, or more things I d rather do immediately because otherwise I have to write them down and do them later.
But I can’t afford to forget those three things tomorrow. That is the first day where I have multiple appointments and I also have to work preparing classes. I have far less hours to throw at following my creative flow, than I ve had the past few days. So in a way tomorrow is the first day the challenge is really a challenge. Where I can’t postpone my practice to the evening, like I have done so far.
It has to be done either in the morning, or in the late afternoon.
Tomorrow I need to have my shit together.

day 4 Thursday December 28
21.15 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 2 (lunar 1 hour)

THE PIECES ARE MOVING

Today was heaven. It was exactly the opposite of yesterday because I had zero time for writing and a ton of obligations. I prepared classes, taught yoga, and I worked on the land for three hours. I got a sunburn on my cheeks and my whole body was toast. Not from the sun but from working hard. I feared it would affect my class tonight.
But then it didn’t.
And I can only accredit that to the mandatory hour of yoga for this Hero’s Journey challenge. I did the practice at the studio, before class, and although it was quite a messy practice, I could feel Shiva Rea’s soothing voice work it’s way into my tormented spine.
All the pain disappeared.
When my students came I was just as excited about the upcoming class as they were, and it went really well.
But aside from the yoga miraculously taking away the pain in my body there was something else that sparked my energy. Something else that made this day memorable. And it had to do with my current obsession with Star Wars episode 8, and the developing romance between Kylo Ren and Rey.
For the yoga playlist for tonight’s class, I took their (Kylo Ren’s and Rey’s) official playlists on Spotify. And although I used few of the songs, it gave me clues on what I did want, and I was extremely pleased with the result. Especially with the choice to alternate between male and female vocals.
Now the reason this interest in their story line has gotten a chance to spin out of control, is because YouTube is filled with videos on the subject of “Reylo”; their names combined, like Brangelina. And it was in one of these hours I spent browsing Reylo videos (“studying” would be more accurate) that I learned they had playlists.
Anyway, with my new habit of spending every minute of free-time watching their romance-explained videos, and also investing hours on creating the playlist, I was getting emotionally invested.
And I could feel the restlessness inside of me, but during that hour of yoga I realized something was shifting.
I was stepping out of the role of the mistress.
I was still very much in love with Mr.Big, and I didn’t desire him to leave his wife anymore today than yesterday, a month ago, or last year. I feel like I am Mr.Big’s dark guardian angel – I could never wish for something that he values, to fall apart.
I m on his side.
So it wasn’t that I wanted to change or end what we had.
And yet, the feelings I had mistaken for restlessness, were in reality the first signs of a transformation.
I no longer fully identified with being a mistress.
I was becoming a warrior, like Rey. An archetype that I ve been trying to get my hands on, and trying to live by, since August, but failed. And maybe I failed because I knew it would mean shedding my mistress skin.
But I registered the restlessness during yoga, and I felt excited.
The journey had begun.

day 5 Friday December 29
This is the first time I m logging my practice before doing it!
But I look forward to keeping the computer off, when I m finished.
22.15 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 2 (lunar 1 hour)

day 6 missed
day 7 Sunday December 31

New Year’s Eve
13.00 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1+ 2 (group class 1 H 45 minutes)
20.00 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1+ 2 (2 H practice, at new years eve)
Missed yesterday’s practice because  I unexpectedly went to see Star Wars VIII The Last Jedi for the second time!! That movie is the whole reason this project even exists, so hell yes I ll go.
And it was awesome.
And it gave me so much insight into WHY I am on this challenge. It wasn’t because the Jedi use the force, and that brought me back in touch into wanting to get access to my force. Do my own yoga to gain control over my mind. I thought that was it – because I had already been toying with the thought of going on some major challenge after Star Wars VII The Force Awakens,
So I simply thought that this was the little nudge I needed for daily yoga; to see that new Star Wars movie a few days before Christmas.
But yesterday’s rerun made me realize I had ulterior motives. And that the reason I had lost weight in doing one week of yoga. And the reason it was going so – well- easy. The reason I barely needed any sleep. It didn’t have anything to do with Luke Skywalker or Rey the girl Jedi. It was only because I had fallen in love with Kylo Ren.
Hard.
I had fallen in love with a movie star, but even more with the character, and that was the reason I loved doing yoga. They were like these XL day dream sessions.
And today I made up for missing yesterday’s practice, by doing two; A long class, and my the 2 H practice that I had initially planned for yesterday.

day 8 Monday January 1
New Year’s Day
16.15 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1+ 2 (2 H practice)
I TOTALLY LOVE THIS MAN WHAT A GREAT PRACTICE!
Are you Dutch? I wrote my blog post here, about the most amazing New Year’s day ever. Although not the way I thought it would be..

day 9 Tuesday January 2
21.30 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1 (1,25 H practice)
I had a meager day, with a pretty bleak evening. I didn’t have anything fun or social planned for today, and had a slow start which I compensated for with a productive day. No daylight or daytime yoga though. Again.
Did some nighttime grocery shopping and then did my practice. Instead of the regular two hours I cut it to just one cd.
The reason the evening felt bleak was that Max has not been well all day, and he’s so thin and fragile I worry about him and especially about the choice about having to let him go this year. He vomited this afternoon. I gave him a painkiller around nine and hope he’ll start feeling better.
He still joins me in bed, but doesn’t bother to come to the couch or sleep in the window anymore. He sits on a little box or lies in his nest made from a duvet, both in the hallway next to my small pink desk which I use for journaling.
His world has become very small.
As has mine.

next practice set for
day 10 Wednesday January 3 – double 2 hour practice

You can follow this project for 365 days on this page and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.

READ THE NEXT EPISODE 3 FROM HEAVEN