DIY remove dark genital spots, angiokeratomas of Fordyce

female body with red rose petals“Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go”
~ Anais Nin

from Wikipedia;
Angiokeratoma of Fordyce is a skin condition characterized by red to blue papules on the scrotum or vulva.

It’s been over a decade since I had my diagnosis, and I’m about 99% positive this is the official name. Reconstructing it with Google photos. I had rather not looked into it at all, because there’s always something more to click on and before you know it you’re on a page with risks and warnings and things that scare the shit out of you.
But for this piece I realized I had to come up with the Latin name as well, in order to make it easier for you to see if we’re talking about the same thing.
I m not going to include photos, because it always makes me slightly sick knowing someone had to “pose” for that. But I ll give you the description.
The genital spots I m talking about look like tiny blood blisters. You can clearly see they’re not related to those bright red “freckles” you can have on other parts of your body, and that also only appear with age.
I had my first genital ones appearing when I was in my early thirties.

In the Netherlands they are treated by the GP (general practitioner, huisarts) sometimes after contacting a dermatologist about the nature of the ailment. Because although it’s extremely common, it’s something you learn on the job. I suppose.
And there’s a first time for everything.
I have the same thing with my port-wine stain, or firemark, on my leg. Although it’s standard medical knowledge a doctor may not immediately recognize it.
Which is extremely annoying by the way, if you have a birthmark every doctor needs to look up.
Especially if you’re already showing you vagina, for example to get these spots sorted out, and then they ask: “What’s that?”
That doesn’t build trust.
Sometimes I just start by saying what it (the port-wine stain) is, not to have the medical consultation start off on entirely the wrong, slightly hostile foot. But then that doesn’t work either because then I’m basically confirming to myself that I expect the doctor is unskilled and ignorant.
Suffice to say my whole history of showing my vagina to a doctor, has always gotten derailed by the port-wine stain to begin with.
Getting the dark genital spots, and the countless times they (Dutch doctors) tried to cure it could easily be added to the pile of awkward experienced already present.
Just that they were far more painful.

If you live in America, I expect you can have more trust in your doctor to use a good painkiller, and will probably be referred to the hospital/ specialist anyway. Dutch GP’s have more skills under their belt than any of their international peers.
Except maybe in developing countries.
But I don’t want to give the impression that I would have preferred it to be otherwise.
I hate hospitals and doctors, and I go really well with that entrepreneurial approach of Dutch GP’s basically trying to do everything themselves first. It’s just that in combination with Dutch pain ethics, you are completely at the mercy of them using something that bares closest resemblance to a soldering iron to burn your dark genital spots away for you. Starting off with an intensity or level, indicating they probably had ZERO knowledge of how much it would hurt.
Without anesthetic.
And it was due to me insisting that they brought that level down, and reminding them every time I got a different doctor, that they had to use it at a lower level. Always leaving me thinking that apparently it wasn’t that they didn’t realize how much it would hurt, but that they didn’t saw any reason why I should not be able to take that.
That’s what I meant with Dutch pain ethics.
Anyway, when after years of going through these traumatizing treatments;
I m not going to use the word butcher. Oops.
The light painkiller (cream) failing;
which by the way was also my idea, not theirs,
And me being unable to sustain the injection of a real anesthetic, not even in combination with the cream;
Having the needle penetrate the skin was just as excruciating as having it burned away without anesthetics,
After that my doctor didn’t want to treat me anymore.
And I was done being berated on my inability to take pain and having a soldering iron used on my genitals.
So at least we were finally on the same page about it.
She said that she would refer me to a dermatologist if I ever wanted to get them removed again, and that I could also discuss there what they could offer me for anesthetics.
Clearly blaming me for being the impossible one.
One thing she did say, and for which I am grateful because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to write this piece, is that she could have used the liquid nitrogen instead. And she openly wondered why she had not thought of that before. Which again, illustrates how brazen Dutch doctors will be and that they won’t think about how to make it less painful until the point when you’ve already decided you’re going to stop.
But the good news was I didn’t need her help anymore because liquid nitrogen is also sold over the counter. It’s used to burn warts away, and it comes with an entire list of warnings including to never use it on your genitals. After having doctors attack my genitals with a soldering iron for years, I was entirely beyond the point where I was going to let someone else decide how I could treat my genitals.
Just watch me, you *insert insult*
I ll show you which one is the better doctor.
Although that’s not entirely fair, since it was a doctor who gave me the idea in the first place. But my hostility towards what they put me through, has never disappeared. Maybe because of the port-wine stain, I’ve never trusted doctors. And learned to trust myself instead.
So when her remark basically pointed me towards how I could remove the dark spots myself, I took it. And never went back.

DIY treatment of dark genital spots, using liquid nitrogen and ice

Read the instructions on the can of liquid nitrogen, which is an over-the-counter wart remover. The one that comes in a can, obviously. Ignore any warnings about using it on your genitals ;) 
Shave the area if nessecary and disinfect with alcohol.
Desensitize the area with an ice cube or anything frozen. Put the cube in a plastic bag, so that you don’t get everything wet. Now treat the spots in the desensitized area, according to the instructions. I do it for as long as I can take the pain, but I think in general 5 seconds is maximum, from what I remember.
There is a high chance you will not see any immediate effect.
If you want to you can repeat the treatment, but the effect can take some time. It doesn’t show immediately, yet when you take your first shower and wash yourself, you won’t be feeling any lump shaped spots, as the spots will have disappeared on the surface. Sometimes leaving a much deeper lying, vague, spot, which doesn’t look in any way weird anymore.
The area will be sensitive for a couple of days, but contrary to when my doctor treated me, I can never see any trauma after I ve done this myself.

closure (?)

I’m happy I finally chose to tell my story.
For multiple reasons, but the reason I think that after twelve years of silence something good came out of it, is that I have now transformed my experience to the point where it could help others who suffer from this condition. That they can remove the spots without having to see a doctor.
Here below (after much internal debate) I ll share the embarrassing incident, one I am far from getting closure on, which sparked my decision to be open about it.
Originally I was going to write a separate post, called “Sex scandal” or something. Where I share the story below. But it’s still so raw, and I feel so horrible about it, that I can’t even begin to put it somewhere on this blog where it serves as, I don’t know, click bait?
But my shame about the story below, combined with the story above, caused such a tight ball of fear, shame, disgust and self-loathing… I simply had no idea how to begin unraveling it. Except by doing just that; unraveling it. Starting by splitting it in two.
So above is the story about the dark spots.
And below is the second part, the story of what happened this week. Which gave me so much agony and sleepless nights that the last thing I wanted to do is to look this in the eye. This fear of exposure, and losing my dignity. Until I remembered what is possibly an even more famous quote of Anais Nin;

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”
~ Anaïs Nin

My personal story

99d780596dc0e007a158327279788d61--wallpaper-size-high-quality-wallpapersIt’s been twelve years since I got my diagnosis, and I ve always been quiet about it. Due to something that happened in the past week, I feel exposed. Literally. At first I thought it was the exposure part that I was supposed to focus on. Because I believe every problem can be used as a tool to grow stronger, to acquire a certain skill.
That life throws stuff at you, not to test if you’re strong enough. But to train you to stay flexible. Life doesn’t give you the same lesson twice. Even if what you’re supposed to learn is the same, your new lesson will have a shape you’re unfamiliar with. And sometimes? Once a year, or every five years, or maybe even every ten years?
You get a big one.
And in my case that was being exposed in a similar way a leaked sex tape has harmed a female Dutch celebrity, just last year. She was having an unusual form of sex, she was older, and the whole thing leaked to the media.
She stayed indoors for weeks and still calls it the most horrifying experience of her life. The knowledge that a large number of strangers, people you ran into shopping or going out, have seen it and possibly judge you for it.
After my first sleepless night, I realized this was probably the lesson; that I had to learn to keep my head high, even when something similar happened to me. And perhaps that i was now getting the lesson, now that I wasn’t famous (yet?) so that I would feel more confident that if something similar would happen, I would be able to handle it.
That before I would feel safe being more visible in the world, as a yoga teacher as a writer, I would need to come to terms with my biggest fear of being judged for my sexuality, of being seen nude or having sex. Of people being opinionated about how I have sex, and talking behind my back, making me feeling threatened and unloved.
That this had to come first.
Now as I said above, I later realized this was only half of the lesson. The other part of the lesson was that it was time to come to terms with my genital skin condition, and to bring that story out into the light.
So I did that first.
Because that part of the story/ part of the ball of fear, was already twelve years old, and because I had been confidently treating it myself for years, that was far less difficult than I expected it to be. I even tweeted that part of the story already, in the middle of the night, just so that I had consolidated the decision to tell it.
It came out smoothly.
But this last part, the new part, the part about the exposure?
That’s new. And it’s not even “done” yet. The circumstances will not be finalized, the story will not end for another year or so. So either I m going to make myself really small, stay low, hoping it will blow over. Or I m going to face it, and claim even the worst possible outcome as my own.
And take it all back.
Leave not a shred of shame about the whole incident on the table for someone else to use against me, to tease me with. Nothing. To stop caring entirely about what someone else has seen, or hasn’t seen. Knows about me, or think they know about me.
I m suddenly reminded about teenage girls suffering online exposure as well. Sometimes even resulting in them taking their own lives. We (women) are so easily slowed down, and basically just take ourselves out of the game – literally or figuratively – the moment we feel exposed.
There is so much fear.
I really feel that if I do this, tell you this, ALL OF IT, then part of it will live on into a much larger spirit. Like a being, an imaginary (or not?) helper that will find the minds of all women experiencing such a thing.
And all girls fearing it.
That every woman going through this, either has the choice to let it throw her off balance. Or to grow past it and to become – quoting an internet meme I always liked – that woman when your feet hit the floor the devil says; “Crap. She’s up.”
So here we go.
I live in an apartment building that will undergo large renovations in the upcoming year. Which means that for a period of a month, I will have to open up my house and give construction workers of all sorts unlimited access to do whatever it is they need to do.
Now from previous experiences I know these men to be absolutely shameless in preying on you, your personal life, and to treat you without any respect and especially not the regal treatment the person basically paying their bills, should get.
Don’t get me wrong I m not talking about individual workmen, coming to my door, on my request, to take care of a single thing. I ve never experienced any trouble there. I m talking about larger projects with multiple contractors, sometimes even subcontractors, and none of them making any attempt to respect your personal space.
A month.
To have your boundaries breached for eight hours a day by multiple men invading your personal space from every possible angle.
I think it goes without saying that I already feared this, as it is.
Thankfully, it was something that was not acute. They wouldn’t start in months. Or so I thought. Because last week I masturbated and did my dark spot treatment thing with the procedure above, and had the eerie feeling I was being watched. It could have been sparked by hearing some noises that indicated someone was in front of the windows of the floor where I live, but I don’t remember.
I remember I heard those noises at least once that week.
But I forgot if it was that day.
All I remember was saying to myself I shouldn’t be so paranoid, but afterwards – and of this part I am certain – I saw a high rise wagon (like with a big folded ladder on top) parked in front of my house. There was no one there (anymore?) but it made me feel very uncomfortable.
Then I remembered I had gotten a letter of the construction company, which I had not opened because I ve been getting letters for months now, and it was never anything that applied to me having to take action.
It said they were starting with some adjustments on the roof, and were going to use the high rise, or ladder wagon as I suppose it’s called.
Ever since then I have been unable to sleep.
My bedroom, where I did the treatment and the masturbating on the bed, has curtains, but I know they’re see through when the light is on on the inside. And it’s dark on the outside. I just never bothered to change them because I don’t have anything across the street from me.
But they offer little protection (if any), if there really was someone on the outside looking in. Someone who will go tell all the other boys, who will then be even more unpleasant to be around with for four weeks straight.
And – this is also important – I ve been deprived of privacy in my house and bedroom as it is, because I have a new neighbor and he has his bedroom next to mine. I hear his bed, he hears mine. When I masturbate I’m already concerned that I, or the bed, don’t make any noise. The walls are so thin. Something the big refurbishment will not change anything about.
I have the option of moving my bedroom to my study, but I have a neighbor over there on the other side of the wall as well. The only option for me to have some kind of privacy and not have my bed to a wall with someone so nearby, is to put my bed in the living room.
Maybe I will do that.
So after already feeling terrible about being way too intimate with the neighbor, and dreading the day I have to let the main supervisor and main contractor come into my house and be nice to them, to have them plan things and everything with me – I now have Workmen Watched Me Masturbate and Treat Pussy to worry about.
To add to the list.
I considered keeping this part quiet. So that in case they did not see anything, I had not basically exposed myself. But like I said – this can all take another year. And I don’t want to wait for a year to see if my worst fears have come true yes or no. If they saw anything. And then told all their colleagues.
Like I said, it’s all extremely raw. All I know is that I feel related to how other women and girls have been exposed, and although I have not unraveled all of it, I know that at the heart of it are the remains of fear of my own sexuality. That I feel ashamed being caught. If I think about a man being caught with the curtains closed, through a normally completely private window, by a construction company who had indicated they would start working high rise in any of the upcoming weeks;
Would this man be ashamed?
Would he dread the day those people came to refurbish his house?
Of course not.
He would shrug, ignore the whole thing, and he wouldn’t go out of his way to make them coffee or otherwise accommodate them the goddamn day. And when he got home and they were still there, they would think;
“Crap. He’s here.”

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

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Guide to Watch The Force Awakens dvd – Kylo Ren scenes only (30 minutes)

5fdfeb45bfd2a10269420e76df3ff1f3--adam-driver-starwarsUntil someone makes us a YouTube video with ALL Kylo Ren scenes (please?) the only way to watch The Force Awakens - Kylo Ren scenes only is to scroll manually.
Here’s your guide.

If Kylo is only in the middle of a scene I will add this (-+-)
If he’s in the final part I will add this (–+) and suggest you enter the scene by rewinding from the one after it.
And there’s one scene where he walks in and out (+-+-+)

* go to scene 5 *
1 Opening Logo
2 The Force Awakens
3 The First Order Approaches
4 Village Raid

5 Kylo Ren 

ends at; Kylo walking to his shuttle
* go to scene 11*

6 FN-2187
7 Rey
8 Niima Outpost
9 Rey at Home
10 Saving BB-8

11 Interrogation

ends at; “I leave that to you”
* go to scene 14 * 

12 Unkar’s Offer
13 Jailbreak

14 TIE Fighter Escape (-+-)
fast forward to the moment Kylo Ren walks in
ends at; “The one from the village. FN 2187″
* go to scene 16 and enter scene 15 with rewind* 

 Marooned on Jakku (–+)
ends at; “I suggest you get it.”
* go to scene 20 *

16 Crossing Paths
17 Marketplace Chase
18 The Falcon Flies Again
19 Introductions

20 Kylo Is Updated 

ends with: “What girl?”
* go to scene 25 *

21 Fixing the Falcon
22 “Chewie, We’re Home”
23 Corellion Stand
24 Rathtar Mayhem

25 Supreme Leader

ends with: “We shall see.”
* go to scene 28 and enter scene 27 with rewind* 

26 “It’s All True”

27 Meeting Maz (–+)
ends with: “Finish what you started.”
* go to scene 29 and forward to where Luke puts his hand on R2D2 *

28 Discussions of Destinies

29 Visions in the Force (-+-)
ends with Kylo drawing his sword in the snowy forest.
extra;  I like to watch to the tiniest whisper
“It’s Ben”
Right after Maz says; “Take the saber.”
option 1- stay on the main route -
* go to scene 31 and fast forward to Kylo Ren arriving and walking between the ruins* 

fast forward into 30

30 Starkiller (-+-)
Kylo Ren standing in front of the window overseeing the blowing up of the Republic (no text there)
* go to scene 31 and fast forward to Kylo Ren walking between the ruins* 

31 First Order Invasion (-+-)
ends at; “With a girl”
* go to scene 33 *

32 Resistance to the Rescue

33 Kylo Finds Rey
you could forward to where Kylo appears from behind the rock
ends with; Kylo walking into his shuttle, with Rey in his arms
* go to scene 36 * 

34 Reunion
35 Resistance Base

36 Rey Imprisoned (+-+-+)
ends with; Kylo ruining the interrogation room
* go to scene 38 and enter scene 37 with rewind* 

37 Resistance Briefing (–+)
ends with; The more dangerous she becomes
* go to scene 39 and enter scene 38 with rewind* 

38 Starkiller Landing (–+)
ends with; “Han Solo”
* go to scene 42 and fast forward to Chewbacca placing bombs* 

39 Base Infiltration
40 X-Wing Attack
41 Rejoining Rey

42 Into The Oscillator (-+-) 
ends with “find them”
* go to scene 43 *

43 Father and Son 
44 Dark Forest 
ends with; Kylo Ren and Rey fighting
* go to scene 46 *

45 Oscillator Breached 

46 Forest Duel (final Kylo Ren Scene)
ends with; Kylo Ren lying on the ground, the earth between him and Rey cracking open.
Rey turning around and running away.

47 Cataclysm
48 Made Whole
49 Finding the Master
50 End Credits

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

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Rey all wet and shaken by the power that washed over her

Star Wars is finally telling women *cross out* everybody to start enjoying The Thing #reylo

maxresdefault (1)by LS Harteveld

- Spoiler filled, but most of all this is probably an incomprehensible piece unless you ve seen The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi -

Star Wars is a movie franchise currently on its eight episode. And what “The Thing” is?
Okay you know what The Thing is right?
One of the Reylo accounts I follow on Twitter (shoot! now I have another word to explain!) had put out a poll on what we viewed as signs of the collapse of civilization, and she additionally tweeted;
“I wanted to add “Telling women they shouldn’t enjoy The Thing” but that’s been happening for eons.”
That’s where I got the idea.
Reylos are a community who support the story line in the latest Star Wars trilogy that Rey, a good girl from the deserted planet Jakku, will fall in love with dark side warrior Kylo Ren or with “Ben Solo” his original name- before he passed over to the dark side.
Rey’s official Star Wars bio says, and to me (a Reylo) every word in this sentence is hot;
“She was captured by the dark side warrior Kylo Ren.”

See picture, above.
The interrogation scene between Kylo Ren and Rey is important for the story. As soon as Kylo Ren takes off his mask, she can’t take her eyes off him. Then he invades her mind, using The Force, and he says;
“Don’t be afraid, I feel it too.”
He is referring to The Force – which he uses for supernatural powers. But right now he can feel The Force between the two of them. Connecting them. She has always known “something” was inside of her, and she had Han and Maz briefly explaining what “the Force” was – just the general idea. But she hasn’t connected their explanations to what she feels inside of her.
“But now it’s awake,” she says about the power inside of her, in episode 8.
During the interrogation scene, due to Kylo Ren interrogating her with the Force, she learns how to use it for the very first time.
And intrudes his mind in return.
He leaves the room immediately, reporting to his Master, Snoke. Before capturing Rey, and before the interrogation scene, Snoke has already asked Kylo;
“There has been an awakening. Have you felt it?”
And Kylo answered: “Yes”.
The interrogation scene is the first time Rey learns how to use the force, yet both Kylo and Snoke have sensed Rey’s awakening days before. You know what happened, days before? And what (most likely) caused the awakening?
Kylo was on Jakku. Just for a brief moment, but his presence there was powerful enough to awaken the Force in Rey.
She sensed it. She sensed him. And suddenly this thing called “the Force” was awake in her. The first female lead character in a Star Wars movie, who uses Force powers, had them awakened by a tall warrior, covered in flowing black robes, setting foot on her planet.
And she learned to use them, not by receiving any formal education like all the Jedis before her, but just by being tied to an interrogation chair by Kylo Ren and having him kneeling before her saying in his sultry voice;
“You’re my guest.”
That’s how this girl learns.
Those scenes tell you that the Force, for this trilogy, is connected to the dynamics between Rey and Kylo. Not to the relationship of an apprentice with his Master.
Ever since The Force Awakens came out in 2015 there has been much debate over the fact if Reylos are right, if there even is a romantic story line between the two, but that’s another discussion and one I m not particularly interested in. For me it’s blatantly obvious that Rey and Kylo Ren are in love with each other. And judging by how gorgeous Kylo Ren looks, I m convinced Disney feels exactly the same way.
So that’s not what this piece is about.
This article is about what makes the story line so compelling. What makes this Star Wars saga entirely different from its predecessors, and especially the use of The Force.
And again, I m not talking about if you can fly through space using the force, or bi-locate yourself using it. Which were things that have been speculated on if this was realistic (???) and if they should have been in the movies. No, I m talking about the fact that if you watch the two movies The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, you can see something entirely new added to the equation.
And not to make babies.
The “romantic tension” between Rey and Kylo Ren, as Mark Hamill the actor who plays Luke Skywalker put it, is only half of it. The other half, is sexual tension. And it’s precisely this sexual tension that is going to glue the entire thirty year old saga together.
Traditionally, so that means the first six episodes of the saga, The Force was used by the good guys, the spiritual warriors called the Jedi, and by the dark side, The Sith. But the latest trilogy is said to take an entirely different approach.
That of the middle, of gray.
It’s based on the notion that there can never be peace (balance) if we keep thinking in terms of good and bad. We have to accept the dark side of life, in each other, but also in ourselves. It is just as disturbing to believe you’re entirely good and clean, as it is disturbing to believe you’re a power driven monster who doesn’t need love.
That is the story of the third trilogy.
Back to Rey and Kylo Ren.
In the light of the theme of the third trilogy, their romantic story line represents the merging of the good (Rey) and the bad (Kylo Ren). We also get to know Kylo Ren’s soft side in The Last Jedi (the light within the dark) and we get to learn a bit about the aggression that resides in Rey.
Although for someone who watches the roaring rampage of revenge Kill Bill about twenty times a year, as I do, it is not that obvious.
200px-Yin_yang.svgBut I m taking other people’s word for it, that her fighting skills are rooted in aggression and that she seems to take pleasure in knocking people in the head.
So within light Rey, we have a hint of her darkness.
And within dark Kylo we can see the light shining through.
Rey and Kylo Ren are like yin and yang; each possesses a part of the other.
This new and improved vision on balance between the light and the dark, is also symbolized in the first Jedi temple on the island of Ahch-to. This temple holds the old Jedi texts – which will prove that the original Force users were gray, not good or bad. And the temple itself also contains the light; a tree above the ground containing the books.
And the darkness – a cold dark hole in the ground and sucks you into its waters and then scares the shit out of you with a mirrored cave where you are all alone with your greatest fear.
The tree, representing the “safe” cerebral wisdom of the Jedi, can be destroyed.
But the cave is inscrutable, and way more solid, being made from the sea and the rock that makes the island.
Luke is training Rey, and he’s instructing her how to meditate on the Force.
In her vision, she sees the big (dare we say “hairy”? Because it is!) hole in the ground, the cave under the island. It is calling her. She moves towards it, ignoring Luke shouting her not to. The hole erupts into a giant fountain, as if it comes from underneath her. From the rock on which she is sitting. A giant fountain, entering at her pelvis, and squirting up high into the sky.

Rey all wet and shaken by the power that washed over her

Rey all wet and shaken by the power that washed over her

She is knocked down by the strength of it, flings her eyes open, and wakes up lying down. Soaked.
And shocked.
But not as much as Luke, who looks at her, appalled.
“I’ve seen this raw strength only once before. In Ben Solo.”
A “raw strength”, that Ben Solo possesses? And that was awakened in Rey, by Ben Solo’s presence? That sweeps her off her feet, leaves her wet and exhausted, and uncle Luke appalled?
And then Luke basically explaining what just happened to her, by attributing the power she just experienced to his nephew Ben?
But let’s not jump to conclusions.
Let’s just, for a minute more, assume that Uncle Luke was referring to the dark side of the Force as it was portrayed in episodes 1-6; as a desire for universal domination, a possessive kind of love and the use of supernatural powers for your own personal hunger to control life and the people around you.
Uncle Luke was just concerned about Rey becoming Darth Rey and plunging the world into darkness and despair.
Next story.
It is nighttime on Ahch-to.
Rey has given in to her desire to explore what’s in the hole, and she has gone out to see what answers the cave could give her. She’s disappointed with its cryptic answers, and feels terribly lonely.
By now she and Kylo Ren, or Ben Solo, are being connected by the Force regularly. It’s like Skype, just that the other person can actually be seen and experienced in the flesh with you. And also – they don’t control it. They can’t dial each other up if they want to. The Force seems to connect them unintentionally. Although that too, is not true. If you look closer.
Before their first ever Force bond, Kylo was sitting in the medical wing and had his wounds attended to by a droid. Wounds that she inflicted. So he was probably already thinking about her.
In the scene above, she had just risked her life going straight into the darkness of the cave well only to be terribly disappointed and lonely. And there you go:
* Forcebond pops up*
“You are not alone,” Kylo says to the disappointed Rey.
“Neither are you,” she says.
And slowly she reaches her hand towards him.
Kylo Ren takes off his thick leather glove. Slowly. His master Snoke has been invading his mind from before he was born. Even when he was physically still with his parents, he already had this evil abuser inside his own head, corrupting him. Demeaning him. Switching over to the dark side was probably a relief for Kylo; at least his surroundings now matched his inner world.
But it was a world without love.
Kylo has never felt love in his life.
He reaches his bare hand to her. It is trembling. Her hand is steady, but his.. yes. There is a tremble. Their fingertips meet. The Force theme from John Williams sets in.
Watch it for yourself.
Article continues below video

Because The Last Jedi has not been released on dvd, all videos on YouTube are bad quality. (sorry!) But you get the idea right?
And do you know what Luke does when he barges in on the two?
Now does that seem to you like he would do that because;
a. Kylo is raping and beating Rey and about to kill her?
b. because Luke is a jealous old hermit who can’t stand the idea of Rey having sex, and especially not with his evil nephew Kylo Ren who by the way he, Luke, was supposed to train and make a good man of, but failed miserably?
Cock blocker Luke, we Reylos call him.
Or at least I do.
But not without acknowledging that Mark Hamill is both the nicest celebrity on Twitter, as well as the most heroic and epic character in The Last Jedi.
So no hard feelings.
But keeping Rey from her first night of experiencing making love, and Kylo from his first experience of being loved – that was a horrible thing to do. Even more unforgivable as betraying Ben Solo and giving him up to the dark side.
Okay, I ll stop yelling at Luke.
Because there was actually a point in bringing this up. Aside from the point that the force bond between Kylo and Rey is absolutely not just a romantic one, but a sexual one.
Because Rey represents the light sight of the force – love.
But the thing that sparked it, that ignited The Force in her, was not love. Because Rey was a loving person all throughout her life. And although the Force has been there, inside of her, it was only sparked when someone who she would become sexually interested in set foot on Jakku.
And it is this aspect of the Force that Luke is afraid of.
He’s not afraid Rey will plunge the world into darkness. He’s afraid she’ll become sexually active with Kylo Ren. That is the dark side, Luke is warning her for. That is the “raw strength” that is connecting the two.
Raw strength is a referral to sex. Not to love.
A lot of people think the new Star Wars trilogy will be about Love conquering all. I can understand that, but
a. there has always been a lot of love between light side users. And this has never conquered anything. Yes, love has brought Darth Vader to the light, but that story has already been told.
b. Love being the key clearly doesn’t support the Gray Jedi idea, and the merging of dark and light. In my opinion they can only make Love conquer all the moral of the saga if they see Love as being the light dot, in the dark half of the Yin and Yang symbol.
But it doesn’t explain the dark dot in the white half of the Yin and Yang symbol.
Because that dot? That’s sex.
c. And the third reason I feel there is way more behind the Rey-Kylo Ren story line than a simple Romeo and Juliet theme is that Love is not a power that would scare the shit out of Luke Skywalker. Love is not the “raw strength”, about which he says;
“It didn’t scare me enough then. It does now.”
That is sex.
Rey is the first character in the Star Wars movies, with whom the dark side of the Force is (to me at least) only apparent in her sexual power. Like I said, I can’t see her going on a rampage of revenge, nor do I see her becoming a cruel empress of the galaxy.
Which leaves only one option – her raw strength, is a sexual one.
The key that awaked the Force in her.
For Kylo though, things are a bit different.
He has not known love, which is why his hand was trembling touching Rey, and he’s very familiar with the dark side of the force in terms of being mentally abused (by Snoke) and inevitably turning cold hearted and cruel himself.
Kylo is probably not a virgin.
He’s ten years older than Rey and his whole body language – especially in The Force Awakens – radiates that he’s highly comfortable in his own body. The way he fights Finn at the end of The Force Awakens – swinging his light saber, showing his physical dominance in a cocky, totally non-functional manner that is clearly connected to him being jealous of Finn.
Not to using the most effective way to take out an opponent.
That fighting style just tells that he enjoys being in his body, and that he knows how to move it. Especially when he wants to show his sexual superiority.
Just watch the clip. And also; watch how Rey, on the other hand, fights clumsily because she’s holding a light saber (!!) for the first time in her life.
And don’t forget the ending.
Where Kylo, sparing her life and not playing at his full strength because he knows it’s her first time and he fancies her, offers Rey the opportunity to learn from him how to use the Force and the saber.
Article continues below video.

“You need a teacher! I can show you the ways of the Force!”
Kylo shouts to Rey.
As Luke would say;
“Amazing. Every word in that sentence, was wrong.”
Because as soon as Kylo mentions the Force, Rey suddenly remembers everything Han and Maz told her about the Force, and what she experienced with Kylo in the interrogation chair.
The strength between them that Kylo referred to as;
“Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.”
She murmurs; ”The Force?” Suddenly remembering all of it. She meditates there, right in the middle of wrestling Kylo. She taps into the strength, swings out from underneath him, and rocks that light saber like a pro.
Soon the mighty Kylo Ren is on his back, covered in wounds she inflicted.
“Beaten by a girl who never held a light saber in her life,” as Snoke would remind Kylo, in the next movie Last Jedi.
From what Star Wars has shown us so far we can conclude that Kylo Ren represents the dark side of the yin and yang symbol. And the light dot within him, within the dark half of life, is love. Represented by his romantic love for Rey.
And Rey is the light side of the yin and yang symbol. She represents all people who like being good, loyal, clean, and reminds us that we can be more than that.
That there is a Force within us, that has always been there.
And not so much what, or how, but who will awaken that Force.
The Force will be impossible to miss, if it is taken out of its dormant state.
Don’t worry, we’ll feel it too.
And that it will be so fascinating, and calling us, that the only thing that makes sense is to answer the call and to jump into the cave of the unknown, to explore it.
And yes, you must be prepared to come out disappointed.
There will be no easy answers.
But the person who sparked your Force, whose presence you felt from half a planet away. The one who “felt it too” and who told you not to be afraid?
That person will be waiting for you, when you come out.
To complete your own saga.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

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Reboot. Episode 9 “You know I can take whatever I want”


Everything changed when my cat Max died twelve days ago. And I mean aside from the normal grief of losing your pet.
Some things I knew beforehand. Like the fact that my heart would lose its first line of defense. You don’t get emotionally caught up in men or love drama if you have two fur babies to take care of.
Or one, as it had been just the two of us since 2015, when Willem my other cat had passed away. I was well aware that the moment Max would die I would need to get something else to occupy myself with, if I didn’t want to start obsessing over Mr.Big, didn’t want to disrupt the delicate balance in our mistress/ lover relationship.
And I did find someone else.
I fell in love with Kylo Ren, the character from Star Wars. And with Adam Driver the actor. The last weeks when Max was still alive, I promised myself that if I would lose him, I would buy myself a little Kylo Ren doll to cuddle with. To get at least some substitute for not having a fur baby around. I did buy that.
I even sleep with Kylo Ren the same way I did with Max; we spoon. And Kylo Ren talks when you push his tummy and he never does that during the night. So I know that I treat him just as carefully, as I did with Max. 
I have an idol Adam Driver to focus all the extra energy on, that became available from not being a cat mother anymore. And I have the little Kylo Ren doll to cuddle with. This part of the plan had been pretty well thought through.
Then there was the part that I knew beforehand I had no control over; how I would respond physically, when being made love to. I understood that my lover Mr.Big would be the one to encounter grief, the loss of Max, it its most physical form. And I discussed this with him over the phone. That I looked forward to seeing him, to the sex, because I would now have my full attention making love.
Not leaving twenty percent at home, because I knew I had to get back, and I realized Max would have liked me to stay and never leave in the first place. With Max gone I was going to be fully aware during sex, and I did look forward to that.
But that he, Mr.Big was also the only one who would be so intimate with me that any grief held in my body would be released with him. Probably not even in one session, but more in a series. Or every first time. The things that I expected to be reasonably neutral were kissing, hugging and giving him a blow job. But I had no idea what my body’s response would be to getting oral, or intercourse normal or back.
Those were things I could still get emotional over, even when nothing dramatic had happened.
Even though Max the cat had absolutely nothing to do with my sex life, I expected that would be where grief would find its way out. And in a way none of us would be able to control.
The planned part of grieving was covered.
Which next to Adam Driver and the doll, also involved countless rituals and daily habits here at home to honor the spirits of Max and Willem.
And the unplanned part of my body storing grief, and how it would come out, had been discussed with Mr.Big. 
And until yesterday, this seemed like all there was to it. That I was covered. I felt good too. Very good. Until today. Because a date I had scheduled fell through, and today is Wednesday – my only night off from teaching. So that meant I didn’t have other social interactions. And since I got behind on my work, wanted to do two hours of yoga, and I wanted to just relax a bit around the house, I didn’t plan for anything new. I didn’t try to replace the date for another social event. I just stayed home.
My first whole day of being home and not seeing anybody since Max died.
And boy, did that kick in.
I never felt lonely, probably because I had Max. I never understood people who didn’t like being alone, until I realized today I had never been alone; Max had been with me.
So now I know that days all alone by myself do not have the same charm as being alone with Max. I don’t like this. Max was the difference between being alone (with a cat) and being lonely.
The other change was my body, my sexuality.
Everything I thought I knew about my sexual orientation, started to shift. I masturbated today. This is something I have been doing more of since Max died. My libido has gone up. Not the first two days, when I still had his body here at home. Before the funeral.

I was appalled at the idea of masturbating when “he” was still here.
But after the funeral, burying him in my sister’s garden in Willem’s grave and I had a small ceremony with my mother, sister and a friend, afterwards I felt I was given a new life. A new home. A new relationship with my body.
I used to skip masturbation when he was with me in the bed, and I didn’t want to keep him waiting before we could cuddle. But it was more than just the masturbating today. I could feel a longing. For Adam Driver, Kylo Ren, Mr.Big. It was very specific.
“You know I can take whatever I want” is a line from Kylo Ren in The Force Awakening. And whenever I read it today, on Twitter – or just thought of it – it was as if all the sex Mr.Big and I didn’t have the past three years was poured over me.
All the fantasies we didn’t get around to. Yet.
Entire days of staying together in bed, days we never had.
But also all the things we did do, once or twice or a couple of times – but not enough.
All those things suddenly came back to haunt me. Now that I did have time for them. Now that I no longer had to stay at home and keep an eye out for Max.
And it didn’t stop there.
Maybe it was because I knew Mr.Big would always stay unavailable, unless something dramatic happened in his family (like a divorce, even that was something I didn’t wish for him) but all of a sudden being Mr.Big’s secret mistress was no longer enough.
For years I considered myself monogamous;
it enhances my pleasure to only have one partner.
I considered myself a mistress;
it enhances my pleasure to be in a secret relationship.
I considered myself a compersionist;
I like him having other women. One being the minimum.
All those things, all those aspects of my sexuality that had taken me years to figure out, it all started to change. I could feel a longing to be held, played with, devoted to. I wanted a real relationship, and my desire for secrets was gone. I wanted to be chosen. I became possessive and jealous.
And horny and demanding.
I was everything I never was, and of course our current relationship did not back this up. The fact that it had been over a month since we last had sex was illustrative of that.
I just reread my notes from our last date. There were two conversations there, that I had not written about yet. One was that it hurt, when he fucked me. I had just had my period and the outside is always more sensitive. When we were talking about this, afterwards, he said he had not felt it. That he usually does feel it, on the inside. When it’s too tight or painful in any way.
That aroused me, the thought that he felt things like that.
Still does.
The other was a conversation about our strange relationship, a mistress with her lover. And that it’s so equal because I m so in love with him. I have not thought about any other man, not even Adam Driver, when masturbating. Mr.Big is my sex life and this all stems from me being one hundred percent in love and not desiring anybody else.
On his part, things are of course more complicated. Because he is married so it seems like he is not as involved as I am. But that’s not how I saw it. I said to Mr.Big;
“It’s so equal. I give you my heart. But you give me your life. You could lose everything. Your marriage, your family, your reputation. You risk it all to be with me. And I risk you breaking my heart. You hold my heart in your hand. I hold your life in mine.”
It was perfect, and I felt blessed.
Until today.
Now I feel lonely and like there really is that big hole inside of me, that needs more sex, more love, more intimacy, more company. It needs everything I always wanted, plus everything I never wanted. And then more. More.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

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This is the Kylo Ren scene where he says: You know I can take whatever I want.

The Hero’s Journey episode 2 The Force Awakens

maxresdefault (1)Christmas 2017 I started my Hero’s Journey; a year long challenge of doing one or two hours of yoga a day.

You can follow this project for 365 days on this page and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.

day 1 Christmas Day 2017
20.30 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1 (solar 1 hour, 15 minutes)
First time in five years or so that I practiced this. Exciting.

day 2 Boxing Day, Tuesday December 26
21.00 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1 (solar 1 hour, 15 minutes)
Tough practice. Maybe the wine bit me in the ass, but I was horribly unfocused. Starting tomorrow, I m gonna do yoga first thing. Read why in this powerful blog post Before the Rain. No it wasn’t just the wine.


“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
– Ernest Hemingway

Today a Dutch television presenter died, unexpectedly. He was only 48. And suddenly I remembered another powerful reason why I decided to commit to yoga.
To this Hero’s Journey of doing one year of yoga, one hour a day minimum.
Because working, or more specifically writing, has been eating me alive. This has been hard to swallow because I consider myself blessed. Other writers suffer from writer blocks, or insecurity, but I just get up in the morning and go.
There’s nothing I’d rather do, there’s nothing that comes more naturally, and there’s nothing that makes me feel more alive and in flow.
Yet, there is one very important aspect of writing which makes it a straining activity; it makes you feel awful.
Because creativity by definition, stirs things up. It doesn’t calm things down. I imagine writing is a bit like giving a show on stage; afterwards the star feels drained and dreadful. Or amazing and hyped up. But never calm, nourished and fulfilled.
Restlessness and creativity go hand in hand.
And a writer? He stays with the piece. There is no “after the show”. There’s always something that’s not quite right yet.
And if he’s posted it to a blog, then this act of immediately putting it out there in the world gives it both an extra kick, but also an extra desire to keep editing.
You won’t believe how many mistakes I discover in the first hours after I ve already put the post out there.
It just keeps pulling me in.
And sometimes I even write (because I feel the desire/ inspiration) a second blog, newsletter, sales page. The stream of ideas is endless. I even resent calling them “ideas”. They’re way too demanding for that! They insist on being written.
Now I m on this yoga challenge, and I know that although I will be able to cross off my mandatory daily hour of yoga, there is one decision I have not made yet.
And I think I kind of knew I had to do this – but I was resisting it; to do yoga FIRST. To not even allow for the computer to be on until my yoga has been done. Not because the quality of the yoga is better. Nor because yoga “deserves” my first and best energy. But because creativity and writing definitely cannot be trusted with it. There are so many writers who advise to write in the morning, before anything else.
But I don’t need to do that.
I m pretty sure I ve reached the stage, that when ideas want out, I ll get them out. At 2 am with my eyes closed, if I have to. And I don’t necessarily need to “slow down” either, in the sense that I have any desire to change the way I write.
Like I said; I feel blessed.
Please, keep the blessings coming, amen.
But what I need to do, want to do, and starting tomorrow WILL do, is prioritize on yoga to do it first thing in the morning so that I build my foundation before the destabilizing blow of creativity. I always sleep really well, and wake up refreshed. I m going to consolidate that. To integrate the peace and quiet of the night, and hold on to it for a few more hours. And then unleash all the stories that are inside of me.
I don’t know why the television presenter died. From what I understood it had most likely something to do with his heart. Exactly the area where I feel most vulnerable. Last summer, I even suffered from a racing heart beat at night. Mild anxiety attacks too. I slowed down a bit, and forbid myself to go behind the computer at night. It’s 11 pm now… I m cheating again.
But I think the best way to avoid stress, anxiety, and ultimately early death (as far as this would be lifestyle related) is to delay going full throttle in the morning.
To give my body and mind a few extra hours to stabilize.
I m going to train myself, like an athlete, to grow stronger and more resilient. Because we all know when Noah built the arc.
Before the rain.

day 3 Wednesday December 27
21.30 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 2 (lunar 1 hour)


I still endorse the idea.
I do still believe that doing my daily yoga first thing in the morning – instead of writing, working, really whatever I feel like – is the best way stay more grounded before creativity derails me. And it would avoid getting stuck behind the computer for too long to do my yoga practice before I go out the door.
And then having to do it when I m back.
At a time when I really was looking forward to coming home and getting behind my desk to get the real shit done, more shit done, or let inspiration move me once more and get another piece of writing out.
Because whatever the day looked like – either writing a.m. or like today just reposting some things  and then out all day with a friend – I never feel like yoga later on in the day either.
I would simply always, as a given, prefer to get back behind my desk to work.
And yet every morning I think I m struck with some unique idea or situation which i will be able to solve or lock-in, working for one latte macchiato. But instead I end up working for as long as my agenda allows me.
So recapping yet another day where I had to do yoga at nighttime because my whole plan went AWOL – I see three things that I misjudge every time.
1. I keep thinking that the idea or the little piece of work I feel inclined to do in the morning will only take me forty-five minutes. Instead of an infinite amount of time which will only be defined by my next appointment out the door.
2. I keep forgetting that there is no such thing as one idea or piece of work. Ideas will keep coming.
And finally
3. I also keep forgetting that in the afternoon, and especially if I ve been out the door, I will have more ideas, or more finetuning, or more things I d rather do immediately because otherwise I have to write them down and do them later.
But I can’t afford to forget those three things tomorrow. That is the first day where I have multiple appointments and I also have to work preparing classes. I have far less hours to throw at following my creative flow, than I ve had the past few days. So in a way tomorrow is the first day the challenge is really a challenge. Where I can’t postpone my practice to the evening, like I have done so far.
It has to be done either in the morning, or in the late afternoon.
Tomorrow I need to have my shit together.

day 4 Thursday December 28
21.15 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 2 (lunar 1 hour)


Today was heaven. It was exactly the opposite of yesterday because I had zero time for writing and a ton of obligations. I prepared classes, taught yoga, and I worked on the land for three hours. I got a sunburn on my cheeks and my whole body was toast. Not from the sun but from working hard. I feared it would affect my class tonight.
But then it didn’t.
And I can only accredit that to the mandatory hour of yoga for this Hero’s Journey challenge. I did the practice at the studio, before class, and although it was quite a messy practice, I could feel Shiva Rea’s soothing voice work it’s way into my tormented spine.
All the pain disappeared.
When my students came I was just as excited about the upcoming class as they were, and it went really well.
But aside from the yoga miraculously taking away the pain in my body there was something else that sparked my energy. Something else that made this day memorable. And it had to do with my current obsession with Star Wars episode 8, and the developing romance between Kylo Ren and Rey.
For the yoga playlist for tonight’s class, I took their (Kylo Ren’s and Rey’s) official playlists on Spotify. And although I used few of the songs, it gave me clues on what I did want, and I was extremely pleased with the result. Especially with the choice to alternate between male and female vocals.
Now the reason this interest in their story line has gotten a chance to spin out of control, is because YouTube is filled with videos on the subject of “Reylo”; their names combined, like Brangelina. And it was in one of these hours I spent browsing Reylo videos (“studying” would be more accurate) that I learned they had playlists.
Anyway, with my new habit of spending every minute of free-time watching their romance-explained videos, and also investing hours on creating the playlist, I was getting emotionally invested.
And I could feel the restlessness inside of me, but during that hour of yoga I realized something was shifting.
I was stepping out of the role of the mistress.
I was still very much in love with Mr.Big, and I didn’t desire him to leave his wife anymore today than yesterday, a month ago, or last year. I feel like I am Mr.Big’s dark guardian angel – I could never wish for something that he values, to fall apart.
I m on his side.
So it wasn’t that I wanted to change or end what we had.
And yet, the feelings I had mistaken for restlessness, were in reality the first signs of a transformation.
I no longer fully identified with being a mistress.
I was becoming a warrior, like Rey. An archetype that I ve been trying to get my hands on, and trying to live by, since August, but failed. And maybe I failed because I knew it would mean shedding my mistress skin.
But I registered the restlessness during yoga, and I felt excited.
The journey had begun.

day 5 Friday December 29
This is the first time I m logging my practice before doing it!
But I look forward to keeping the computer off, when I m finished.
22.15 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 2 (lunar 1 hour)

day 6 missed
day 7 Sunday December 31

New Year’s Eve
13.00 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1+ 2 (group class 1 H 45 minutes)
20.00 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1+ 2 (2 H practice, at new years eve)
Missed yesterday’s practice because  I unexpectedly went to see Star Wars VIII The Last Jedi for the second time!! That movie is the whole reason this project even exists, so hell yes I ll go.
And it was awesome.
And it gave me so much insight into WHY I am on this challenge. It wasn’t because the Jedi use the force, and that brought me back in touch into wanting to get access to my force. Do my own yoga to gain control over my mind. I thought that was it – because I had already been toying with the thought of going on some major challenge after Star Wars VII The Force Awakens,
So I simply thought that this was the little nudge I needed for daily yoga; to see that new Star Wars movie a few days before Christmas.
But yesterday’s rerun made me realize I had ulterior motives. And that the reason I had lost weight in doing one week of yoga. And the reason it was going so – well- easy. The reason I barely needed any sleep. It didn’t have anything to do with Luke Skywalker or Rey the girl Jedi. It was only because I had fallen in love with Kylo Ren.
I had fallen in love with a movie star, but even more with the character, and that was the reason I loved doing yoga. They were like these XL day dream sessions.
And today I made up for missing yesterday’s practice, by doing two; A long class, and my the 2 H practice that I had initially planned for yesterday.

day 8 Monday January 1
New Year’s Day
16.15 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1+ 2 (2 H practice)
Are you Dutch? I wrote my blog post here, about the most amazing New Year’s day ever. Although not the way I thought it would be..

day 9 Tuesday January 2
21.30 Yoga Sanctuary Shiva Rea cd 1 (1,25 H practice)
I had a meager day, with a pretty bleak evening. I didn’t have anything fun or social planned for today, and had a slow start which I compensated for with a productive day. No daylight or daytime yoga though. Again.
Did some nighttime grocery shopping and then did my practice. Instead of the regular two hours I cut it to just one cd.
The reason the evening felt bleak was that Max has not been well all day, and he’s so thin and fragile I worry about him and especially about the choice about having to let him go this year. He vomited this afternoon. I gave him a painkiller around nine and hope he’ll start feeling better.
He still joins me in bed, but doesn’t bother to come to the couch or sleep in the window anymore. He sits on a little box or lies in his nest made from a duvet, both in the hallway next to my small pink desk which I use for journaling.
His world has become very small.
As has mine.

next practice set for
day 10 Wednesday January 3 – double 2 hour practice

You can follow this project for 365 days on this page and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.


The Hero’s Journey episode 1 Take the first step

qtixd9qatau9ztdzsbrxI ve always wanted to do this.
And in a way I ve always done this. Just that I failed more often than I succeeded. What I m talking about is a challenge.
For example writing a book in a month, like NaNoWriMo. Which is really a thing. It’s an abbreviation for National Novel Writing Month, and it takes place every November.
But my challenges were usually yoga challenges. The first one was in 2009 and I called it The Goddess Challenge. I did yoga twice a day, for half an hour. I did complete that one but all the others after failed massively or moderately, but whichever it was, it never gave me the satisfaction of the Goddess challenge.
And now I understand why.
And this is a huge insight that I only received a couple of days ago, and it has changed my love for challenges from an impulsive, can’t-not-do craving, to a Life’s Choice, which I will stand for and defend.
I will even go as far as to say that I ve reached the point where I m opposed to any new habit that is not a challenge. As a principle. Because the longer I think about it, the more I believe that you should go big or go home.
And yes, i know of all the research that says you re supposed to take baby steps because otherwise your reptile brain blocks, from too much change. I know all that. And I confess that I thought “they”- the babystep, ten minutes a day, people – were right.
And that I was wrong.
That I would just keep failing at my big challenges and they would laugh at me because they knew I would be totally rocking it (whatever “it” was) if I would just come over to their side and take things slowly. But now I know; No.
Not doing that.
I m on to something here, and I have always been on to that something, just that I didn’t know what it was. But now I do and I call it The Hero’s Journey, after the book by Joseph Campbell.
I received my insight on the purpose of challenges versus the danger-free small-change approach in an unusual place; Studying dating programs.
Those are programs that explain how to get your man and keep him, or how to bring the spark back into your relationship. These programs came with a catch, that I believe even the creators didn’t quite understand;
They gave you formulas and principles that you could only adopt if you pushed yourself to go next level.
So for example, the programs didn’t say; You must let go of all bitterness, and all righteousness. They said: Always let him know you are on his team, and that you respect him.
They didn’t say: You must let go of all past hurt and neediness. They said; Give him a chance to do practical things for you.
If the programs had been candy, it was candy that was stuffed on the highest shelve, and you would automatically, and without asking, go get a ladder to reach it. Whereas if the programs had said;
“In order to save your relationship you need to get a ladder.”
You would have been all like;
“A ladder? Why? They’re bulky! I don’t need a ladder to save my relationship!”
Or: “I don’t have time to get a ladder.”
But now that you had to get the candy? You yourself got that ladder, because you thought the candy was going to save the relationship. When in reality? It was the ladder.
The ladder/ candy analogy, is the reason why I believe challenges work. And baby steps, in their definition of something anyone can do and squeeze into their life and within their comfortzone, do not work.
Baby steps, new easy to do habits, are like candy that is already on the counter;
You either think you don’t have to change to reach it, or you really don’t have to change.
Now this doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Your whole internal system could still start revolting at the idea of taking baby steps, but the problem is, that you will not be very willing to put in any effort, in order to overcome resistance for something so small and silly.
Exactly the same way many women (and men) would revolt against the “candy”- what it is they have to do to save their marriage or become successful at dating - if it was handed to them too casually. But if they paid to get their hands on the candy?
Or if they were presented with a free video that was “online only for a limited amount of time”?
They would pay very close attention, and do everything that had to be done in order to reach the candy without questioning.
I’m sure you’re familiar with the phrase; “It’s about the journey, not the destination.”
“The Journey” represents that of course you’re getting the ladder, or putting in the time, effort and money, in order to reach the destination. And of course you’re going ALL IN in order to overcome any challenges to reach your destination.
What happens during a journey, is that you transform into something else. But that only happens if someone placed your candy on the highest shelve, if someone gave you a difficult dating life or frustration about a whole life going wrong in the first place.
The way to change yourself and your life, the way to come up with inventive solutions to crack the code, is to start by defining something as a challenge. A difficult and intimidating challenge.
Not something that is doable, or easy, because doable or easy will not inspire you to give it your all, and yet you d still be highly frustrated if you didn’t make it for your daily ten minutes on the mat.
But if you give yourself a HUGE challenge?
Either you drop out immediately. Which is cool, because then you were not ready anyway to give it your all in this area of your life.
Or you go ALL IN and you crack the code, solve the riddle, survive the marshes, meet the wizard, get lost, ask for help, lose your resources, hustle new ones, suffer injury, are healed, find the pot of gold, save the world, get the girl, or the guy obviously, AND you live happily ever after.
And that?
Is called The Hero’s Journey.

The Hero’s Journey
How I took my life next level doing yoga.
But you could also run, write, cook, or have sex for 365 days.

Start; Christmas 2017
Ends: Christmas Eve 2018
What; One hour of yoga a day minimum, and one two hour practice once a week
Resources/ how to do this yourself;
I m using the 1999 cd Yoga Sanctuary by Shiva Rea
cd 1 is Solar Practice 1h 15 minutes
cd 2 is Lunar Practice 1 h
cd 1 and 2 combined is 2 hours

You can follow this project for 365 days on my live blog and I ll post all lessons learned along the way on my Facebook and Twitter.

Als je in Nijmegen woont kun je nog instromen in mijn yogalessen in alle groepen waar nog plek is.



images (2)

Read my diary; What it’s like to be the ultimate mistress, live a movie star life, quote sex workers, and totally crush all your weight issues

Hi! I started writingimages (2) a diary August 2017, and well…. I think I m done for this year!
No idea when the next entry will go up either.
If you want to make sure you don’t miss out, you need to get me on facebook
or hang out on twitter.
Because oftentimes diary entries go out months before I post them here, on this blog.
A third option is to sign up for my private mailing here on this page-
The private mailing is an overview and a personal letter and goes out every four weeks or so.
So enjoy this long read of everything I ve created for you, and see you on the other side in 2018.

REBOOT diary overview 2017

Episode 1 Atomic blonde
How project Reboot came about, and what the movie Atomic Blonde had to do with it.

Episode 2 The Return of Benjamin
Where I meet a ghost from the past. A handsome one.

Episode 3 Reinvention
Where I work out the pros and cons of becoming a high functioning alcoholic.

Episode 4 Forces of Nature
In this post; sex with Mister Big, healing myself, and how a prostitute has inspired my to do yoga.

929a495cf8b8e42436e862b628bc3b73--scarlett-johansson-photoshoot-james-whiteEpisode 5 Mistress
Lauren gives book readings, sees friends, and just generally goes around like any normal aspiring writer. Which is of course a recipe for disaster.

Episode 6 The dominant
Lauren is still involved with Mr.Big, a married man. And in the lee of her planned out workweek, she starts to understand the underlying dynamics of their affair. And all the forces that seem to be working in her favor.

Episode 7 Rafael’s wrap up
Lauren finds her true calling and treats herself to a night out;
the five year anniversary with celebrity and muse Rafael.

Episode 8 The heroine
Diary entry with erotic story ending.
Lauren is on her first real date with Big in months, and she’s reminded of her early beginnings as a mistress. She has rocked being the third woman since high school.

frm3540-zw-w kopie kleinon 18/19 December I also wrote a yoga book {free version} :
White Tigress Yoga.
For anyone who had a decent chance of staying healthy but screwed it up and now needs something that works. Fast.

That was it!

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
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