Welcome reader!
In March this year I tried picking up publishing this diary – but failed…..
Yet, the post below (day 20) was all but finished, so I left it that way.
The only thing I have to add, is that I had to start all over again….

So Chapter 1 has got its umpteenth revision.

Chapter 1: A letter from a stranger | “1994”: fanfic inspired erotica episode 1

This extra tiny intro has the imaginary title:
“Starting all over again. Again.”
Because that’s what I’ll be doing.

Expect a chapter by chapter improvements – posting to Twitter and Facebook.

Enjoy!

~Lauren
13 June 2025
post below written on 13 April 2025

---

“Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible.”
– Doris Lessing​.

Good news first! I have an amazing idea to improve this series, which I picked up just last week.
Yes, just last week, and after 14 months of not touching this blog!
It’s that newness which is the reason I am even here, because I could not stop this wanna-be weekly series after publishing just one new episode.
Publishing this book is turning out to be harder than (almost) all the others, and for reasons I am sure I can connect the dots on looking back.
But that are for now largely clouded in mystery.

I really don’t know why publishing this reinvented-timeline diary is so hard.
But it could probably explain why I always fell off the wagon, in my attempts to publish it the past couple of years.
But if I had stopped today?
I would have been able to tell you why.

Although the circumstances itself do not lend themselves to be shared, I can tell you I slept only for 90 minutes or so, and if I would go to bed now I would not be able to sleep either.
My nervous system is completely out of whack, and I am in a constant state of worry.
And over something which anybody less sensitive would have been able to put aside, until it had ran its course and things were clearer.

So I am sleep deprived and I am energetically messed up.

However!
With the Doris Lessing quote in mind, I am not going to let that stop me today.

So that was actually the bad news, that I’m in poor shape and may start paragraphs (such as saying I start with the good news) and then end up writing something else entirely (such as sharing the bad news first).

Anyway the good news is that I did come up with a great format for these posts, so you don’t have to click back to previous episodes to read the whole book (the finished, edited, chapters).

This means I will first mention the new chapter or chapters, but always include the links to the full story as well.
Last week I did share all chapters we had so far, and it was intended to be a one-off, but I’ve decided to always include all chapters.
And I say that with even more adrenaline and anxiety than I already had, because this is by far my most intimate work.

But I figure presenting my work, and allowing it to be read, is the least I owe both the work, and you.

You can find all previously edited chapters below.

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter to read next Publishing Journal, with a newly revised chapter.

To be continued!

~Lauren/LS Harteveld
An unexamined life is not worth living

* An About section, on this diary project, has been added to the bottom of this post.

book 1 Letter from a Stranger

Chapter 1 (revised twice) (NSFW): A letter from a stranger | “1994”: fanfic inspired erotica episode 1

Chapter 2: Mutuals | “1994”: fanfic inspired erotica episode 2

Chapter 3: Think about you | “1994”: fanfic inspired story episode 3

Chapter 4: Out ta get me | “1994”: fanfic inspired story episode 4

Chapter 5: Rocket Queen | “1994”: fanfic inspired story episode 5

Chapter 6: Anything goes, Unfinished book on Consent Play | “1994” episode 6

Chapter 7: Welcome to the jungle | “1994” series

Chapter 8: A Warm Safe Place | “1995” series

Chapter 9: Sexual Innuendo | “1995” series

Chapter 10: I remember when we met | “1995” series
(with new 2024 art work/ picture)

Chapter 11: Take that one to heart | “1994” series
(with new 2024 art work/ picture)

Chapter 12: ‘Cause all these dreams are swept aside | 1995 series

Chapter 13: The updated final chapter of the first volume of my retro diary:
When Your Innocence Dies | 1995 series { final chapter Volume 1, 1994-1995 }

book 2 Dear Nikki

prelude: { previously unpublished draft } Shed a tear ’cause I’m missin’ you | 1995 Series

Chapter 1: A Year of Writing | 1995-1996 diary

Chapter 2: When your fears subside and shadows still remain | 1995-1996 diary

since 2018 my official blog is: https://laurenharteveld.com/
This is also where I write my Lauren 1999 diaries.
Plus letters to my coach Sara.

publishing journal is a stand-alone project, written on my oldest blog, which has software I do not master (explaining the light grey or blue color of the links; I cannot (yet?) change this);
And it also does not have a “Subscribe” button, nor would I know how to install one.

But you can follow publishing journal on
Facebook
and
Twitter

This blogpost was about the publishing process of

A letter from a stranger  
diary 1994 – 1996
including book 2, Dear Nikki

There are currently (I may have missed a chapter, which will be added as we go)
13 chapters in book one “A Letter To A Stranger”, 1994-1995,
and 22 chapters in book 2 “Dear Nikki”.
These first two Volumes will be published in one bind.

All my other diaries and erotica are readily available in my BOOK SHOP

* ABOUT THE DIARY 1994-1996

In summer 2019, I started keeping a fictionalized diary, as a 25 year old younger version of me. Events that happened in 2019 found their way into the diary, translated to their late 20th century reality.
And I also absolutely, intended to LIVE, like it was 1994!
But this is a hard thing to do, I feel I am still (2023) learning there…. but that is my endgame;
To LIVE like it’s the turn of the century.

It was/is an amazing project, and to this day I consider the diary entries it produced on my main blog, my best and certainly my most interesting work, because it combines performance art (living in the 20th century) with diary writing, leaving ample room for fiction.

In 2021, I harvested the diary posts I had so far, with the intention of creating a published diary out of it. Two actually, volume 1 and 2, but I decided to put them in one bind.
But I abandoned the project in spring 2022, losing complete touch with the project….

December 2023, I have picked up publishing this amazing work, of vintage erotica.

One day “Publishing Sundays” will be ingrained into my schedule!

At least, that’s what I hope.
Because it is the only way in which my body of work under the name of LS Harteveld, from which I have never-printed-on-paper blogposts dating as far back as 2010/ 2009 even perhaps, would find their way to a pdf file and printed paper.

Something I really want, in particular now when after 15 years I’ve all but stopped writing for this account. I only write one monthly letter to my coach Sara, on my regular blog https://laurenharteveld.com/, but that’s it, really.
Probably because I create about two-three pieces of longform content under my real name every week.
So the first creative hunger has been effectively stilled.

But the other reason I barely write for LS Harteveld anymore is because since 2007 I was on an Anais Nin-inspired path of diary writing and sexual exploration, and that path has slowly but steadily come to a halt.
The things I write under my real name are not things I need to find my way out of.

In 2025, I am no longer drowning in emotions, and writing is, although still an insatiable urge, no longer a matter of life and death.

So I want to use this calm phase for LS Harteveld to publish the whole body of work she created, because first of all;
I’m very curious what it all is!
All I remember, all that I know, is that it is a lot.

I’ve been very prolific, until 2018 on this website, and from December 2018 and up on the other website https://laurenharteveld.com/
So I know the number of books I can compose from that is absolutely mindboggling. In particular because I always wrote in series. Now, they did always end by way of dying out. I cannot recall ever writing a real ending, with the exception of this fictionalized 90s diary.
This diary, or diaries because there are two I publish in tandem, volume 1 Letter from a Stranger and volume 2 Dear Nikki, both have endings.

But all my other series, came without.
But, they did come in the shape of a series usually.
So it’s not that I have to categorize 15 years of random blogposts;
My estimate is about 80-90% will have a home.

It will be clear where, and then also to which book, these blogposts belong.

So today I am here for THE FIRST PUBLISHING SUNDAY-
of what will hopefully become a lifetime practice.

It means that every Sunday I will work on publishing the book at hand, and share with you what happened.

And I am back here after a 14 month hiatus, which I could explain, but the short version is my publishing seems to go hand in hand with heavy storms in my personal life.
I started this Publishing Journal, as a blog companion to motivate myself to finally pick up publishing the 90s diary (a process that had stop started often, but the manuscript was already done October 2022 when I started here).
And regardless of the storms, I always managed to stick to these publishing activities.
Only to the drop it months afterwards.

So where I kept it together, and pursued in the heat of the moment, I always gave up later down the road, when I just couldn’t muster the courage to continue.
I m not an endurance creative, I am a sprinter.
And ultimately long after the storm had passed, it still managed to bite me in the ass.

So I could tell you why I fell through 14 months ago, but the problem is not circumstantial. It is chronic.
But there is another reason I want to publish, aside from being curious about my own 15 year long body of work. And that is because I want to sustain my work.

And this is where my work under my real name differs from LS Harteveld;
I feel this is the real deal.
This is my legacy of documenting my life, a life. of a woman at the beginning of the 21st century.

My articles about other topics, so non-diary or non-sexual, nor femme fatale or mistress inspired writings?
I don’t really care for those, really. Just like I don’t really care for the work under my own name. I feel that is all more something you (meaning I) write because you’re part of society. Or connected to a mutual interest, or something like that.
But it’s not timeless.

So when I declare these will be Publishing Sundays, I have an understanding to prioritize the LS Harteveld work that is deeply personal.
And right now, and since 2022, this means the retro 90s diary.

So I was so afraid I would not be able to find the manuscript, or the collages I created in 2020 I believe, for the cover.
I didn’t even know if I would be able to get back into this website to create a blog.

But that all went okay, and what I did is I made an overview of all blogpost I seem to have covered previously.

So you can find what I believed to be the edited-thus-far blogposts, as I left it February 2024.

I never intended to have it all lined up like this, and the series is almost impossible to find or to read, on that blog!
Which is no accident; I used to have an overview page, but was more comfortable with no one being able to read it.
So I removed it.

But it was also because times have changed. The privacy of having an alterego is not what it was 15 years ago.
If my diary-worthy sex and love life ever picks up again, I really wouldn’t be able to tell you if I’d ever write erotica online ever again.
The alternative would be, to write straight to paper, and thereby straight to print.
So I would never need to go through the process of collecting everything again, nor have this work online.

After all neither did Anais Nin ;)

But for now, I congratulate you for making it all the way to the bottom of this blogpost!

And welcome you to an overview, I never intended to make.

The chapters of the 90s diary “Letter from a Stranger”, and book 2 “Dear Nikki”

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter to read next Sunday’s Publishing Journal, with a newly revised chapter.

To be continued!

~Lauren/LS Harteveld
An unexamined life is not worth living

* An About section, on this diary project, has been added to the bottom of this post.

book 1 Letter from a Stranger

Chapter 1: A letter from a stranger | “1994”: fanfic inspired erotica episode 1

Chapter 2: Mutuals | “1994”: fanfic inspired erotica episode 2

Chapter 3: Think about you | “1994”: fanfic inspired story episode 3

Chapter 4: Out ta get me | “1994”: fanfic inspired story episode 4

Chapter 5: Rocket Queen | “1994”: fanfic inspired story episode 5

Chapter 6: Anything goes, Unfinished book on Consent Play | “1994” episode 6

Chapter 7: Welcome to the jungle | “1994” series

Chapter 8: A Warm Safe Place | “1995” series

Chapter 9: Sexual Innuendo | “1995” series

Chapter 10: I remember when we met | “1995” series
(with new 2024 art work/ picture)

Chapter 11: Take that one to heart | “1994” series
(with new 2024 art work/ picture)

Chapter 12: ‘Cause all these dreams are swept aside | 1995 series

Chapter 13: The updated final chapter of the first volume of my retro diary:
When Your Innocence Dies | 1995 series { final chapter Volume 1, 1994-1995 }

book 2 Dear Nikki

prelude: { previously unpublished draft } Shed a tear ’cause I’m missin’ you | 1995 Series

Chapter 1: A Year of Writing | 1995-1996 diary

Chapter 2: When your fears subside and shadows still remain | 1995-1996 diary

since 2018 my official blog is: https://laurenharteveld.com/
This is also where I write my Lauren 1999 diaries.
Plus letters to my coach Sara.

publishing journal is a stand-alone project, written on my oldest blog, which has software I do not master (explaining the light grey or blue color of the links; I cannot (yet?) change this);
And it also does not have a “Subscribe” button, nor would I know how to install one.

But you can follow publishing journal on
Facebook
and
Twitter

This blogpost was about the publishing process of

A letter from a stranger  
diary 1994 – 1996
including book 2, Dear Nikki

There are currently (I may have missed a chapter, which will be added as we go)
13 chapters in book one “A Letter To A Stranger”, 1994-1995,
and 22 chapters in book 2 “Dear Nikki”.
These first two Volumes will be published in one bind.

All my other diaries and erotica are readily available in my BOOK SHOP

* ABOUT THE DIARY 1994-1996

In summer 2019, I started keeping a fictionalized diary, as a 25 year old younger version of me. Events that happened in 2019 found their way into the diary, translated to their late 20th century reality.
And I also absolutely, intended to LIVE, like it was 1994!
But this is a hard thing to do, I feel I am still (2023) learning there…. but that is my endgame;
To LIVE like it’s the turn of the century.

It was/is an amazing project, and to this day I consider the diary entries it produced on my main blog, my best and certainly my most interesting work, because it combines performance art (living in the 20th century) with diary writing, leaving ample room for fiction.

In 2021, I harvested the diary posts I had so far, with the intention of creating a published diary out of it. Two actually, volume 1 and 2, but I decided to put them in one bind.
But I abandoned the project in spring 2022, losing complete touch with the project….

December 2023, I have picked up publishing this amazing work, of vintage erotica.

Considering this is one of those “no excuse” edits, where I go into the manuscript (and the chapter’s original blogpost), edit it, update it, and write this post here regardless of how late it is and regardless of how tired I am, I got off lightly this time.
Sometimes there are just so many difficulties to overcome, editing the text. But I really wanted to get behind my desk and do it;
Fired on by the fact that I have such an insane schedule this week, it will probably be my only chance to post anything, until Sunday 24th of March.
It was now or “never”.

Make a post.
Do the work.

Only to then read the printed manuscript, and see it was already edited. And then to my happy surprise the (quit difficult) edits were also already entered into the Word file, so there was no more work for me to do, other than copy paste it into the blogpost.
Which I did.

This is the updated blogpost

When your fears subside and shadows still remain | 1995-1996 diary

Chapter 2 of Dear Nikki, the second part of the diary*:
“A Letter To A Stranger, including book 2: Dear Nikki”

There was nothing I needed to do, the work was already done, probably late 2023, when I was still on the wagon here.

I could read the chapter about two young people, who had been lovers in college, but then he chose another woman over her.
But blood is thicker than water, and their affection for each other rekindled their love. Forbidden this time.

The scene of the hotelroom, about two young adults trying to make it work, is vivid.

This time all I did was enjoy it and think:
I love these two.

~Lauren/LS Harteveld
An unexamined life is not worth living

* An About section, on this diary project, has been added to the bottom of this post.

since 2018 my official blog is: https://laurenharteveld.com/
This is also where I write my Lauren 1999 diaries.
Plus letters to my coach Sara.

publishing journal is a stand-alone project, written on my oldest blog, which has software I do not master (explaining the light grey or blue color of the links; I cannot (yet?) change this);
And it also does not have a “Subscribe” button, nor would I know how to install one.

But you can follow publishing journal on
Facebook
and
Twitter

This blogpost was about the publishing process of

A letter from a stranger  
diary 1994 – 1996
including book 2, Dear Nikki

There are currently (I may have missed a chapter, which will be added as we go)
13 chapters in book one “A Letter To A Stranger”, 1994-1995,
and 22 chapters in book 2 “Dear Nikki”.
These first two Volumes will be published in one bind, and are expected to be for sale in 2024.

The books I’ll be publishing next are:
1.Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2.I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

All my other diaries and erotica are readily available in my BOOK SHOP

* ABOUT THE DIARY 1994-1996

In summer 2019, I started keeping a fictionalized diary, as a 25 year old younger version of me. Events that happened in 2019 found their way into the diary, translated to their late 20th century reality.
And I also absolutely, intended to LIVE, like it was 1994!
But this is a hard thing to do, I feel I am still (2023) learning there…. but that is my endgame;
To LIVE like it’s the turn of the century.

It was/is an amazing project, and to this day I consider the diary entries it produced on my main blog, my best and certainly my most interesting work, because it combines performance art (living in the 20th century) with diary writing, leaving ample room for fiction.

In 2021, I harvested the diary posts I had so far, with the intention of creating a published diary out of it. Two actually, volume 1 and 2, but I decided to put them in one bind.
But I abandoned the project in spring 2022, losing complete touch with the project….

December 2023, I have picked up publishing this amazing work, of vintage erotica.

I have two chapters for you today.
First off, I will repeat the one I shared with you last time.
A text which did not get published until the 12th of February 2024. It will be included in the manuscript as a prelude to “book 2 Dear Nikki”:

{ previously unpublished draft } Shed a tear ’cause I’m missin’ you | 1995 Series

And here is the official Chapter 1, which was just edited:

A Year of Writing | 1995-1996 diary

With these shares I have opened yet another streak of this publishing journal, which has proven to be such a rocky road.

I can’t believe it’s been just a little over a month since my last publishing day, because it feels like forever, that I wrote you about finding the unpublished chapter.
The prelude to “book 2: Dear Nikki”, which I am “currently” editing.
The quotation marks stand for the fact that it is progressing so slowly, this retrieving and editing and putting together of the original blogposts, which were written between 2019 and well, up until the beginning of this year actually.
But the book I am currently publishing is Volume 1,
“A Letter To A Stranger, including book 2: Dear Nikki”
Which are all posts written between summer 2019 and 2021.

The retro diary writing served as a parallel reality for me.

However, as if keeping track of two timelines with a 25 year gap (summer 2019 became summer 1994, and moving up from there) was not complicated enough as it is (but perhaps you rather forget this part); there is a “loop” in the storyline, as well!

Meaning that in different years, the storyline repeated itself and turned out to be so similar, the only way to tell in which year it is, is by checking the dates.
The events are exactly the same.

My lover broke up with me in December 2019 (retro diary 1994), but also in December 2023 (retro diary 1998).
Meaning I was getting over the breakup, finding my feet beginning of 2020 (retro diary 1995) and now, the beginning of 2024 (retro diary 1999).

Fortunately, with book 2: Dear Nikki, we’re a little bit further into the year, so this means that I now get to read chapters of October 1995 (written October 2020).
They indicate that by Fall, I will definitely be feeling a whole lot better than I am now!
Although getting back on that proverbial horse again (dating and sex), came with problems of its own, as Chapter 1 illustrated. (A Year of Writing | 1995-1996 diary)

Yet right now, March 2024 (/1999), my love life still feels so non-existent, my mood vulnerable, and my whole sexual identity has simply plummeted when the man left.
I know, not healthy! I’m working on it, you guys!
But these diaries from the year after the first breakup, are hopeful.

If it panned out once, it will pan out again.

There will be light at the end of the tunnel.

One day, I will have a lover again, and apparently it could be as early as October.
Fingers crossed.

~Lauren/LS Harteveld
An unexamined life is not worth living

* An About section, on this diary project, has been added to the bottom of this post.

since 2018 my official blog is: https://laurenharteveld.com/
This is also where I write my Lauren 1999 diaries.
Plus letters to my coach Sara.

publishing journal is a stand-alone project, written on my oldest blog, which has software I do not master (explaining the light grey or blue color of the links; I cannot (yet?) change this);
And it also does not have a “Subscribe” button, nor would I know how to install one.

But you can follow publishing journal on
Facebook
and
Twitter

This blogpost was about the publishing process of

A letter from a stranger  
diary 1994 – 1996
including book 2, Dear Nikki

There are currently (I may have missed a chapter, which will be added as we go)
13 chapters in book one “A Letter To A Stranger”, 1994-1995,
and 22 chapters in book 2 “Dear Nikki”.
These first two Volumes will be published in one bind, and are expected to be for sale in 2024.

The books I’ll be publishing next are:
1.Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2.I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

All my other diaries and erotica are readily available in my BOOK SHOP

* ABOUT THE DIARY 1994-1996

In summer 2019, I started keeping a fictionalized diary, as a 25 year old younger version of me. Events that happened in 2019 found their way into the diary, translated to their late 20th century reality.
And I also absolutely, intended to LIVE, like it was 1994!
But this is a hard thing to do, I feel I am still (2023) learning there…. but that is my endgame;
To LIVE like it’s the turn of the century.

It was/is an amazing project, and to this day I consider the diary entries it produced on my main blog, my best and certainly my most interesting work, because it combines performance art (living in the 20th century) with diary writing, leaving ample room for fiction.

In 2021, I harvested the diary posts I had so far, with the intention of creating a published diary out of it. Two actually, volume 1 and 2, but I decided to put them in one bind.
But I abandoned the project in spring 2022, losing complete touch with the project….

December 2023, I have picked up publishing this amazing work, of vintage erotica.

Today, 12th of February 2024, which would translate to 12th February 1999 for my Vintage Retro Diaries*;
I found this post in my drafts.

{ previously unpublished draft } Shed a tear ’cause I’m missin’ you | 1995 Series

It came with an introduction, excusing myself if I ever accidentally hit publish:

I stopped writing online, but still make my documents here.
So if I ever accidentally hit publish, this post might be removed.

Over the past few months, I have been updating retro-time travel diary posts, where I live the life of my younger self, a process you can follow through this blog you’re currently reading, which is posted to Facebook and Twitter.

And I was aware that there could be unpublished posts, which should not just be published after all, but should also be included in my manuscript;
The to-be-printed version of the diary 1994-1995 and 1995-1996

In December 2023, when I started this process, I still dutifully opened every post “in between” my retro diary entries, just to make sure I did not miss a diary chapter.
But they were never missed diary sections, and yet I still always felt compelled to update and improve on these “current day” posts of 2019, and it wasn’t until long before I gave up checking the in-between posts for lost gems.
I would stick with reviewing the official, labeled-as-such, diary posts, as I had identified and extracted them in 2021, and all others would simply be lost.

A wise decision, because as soon as 2020 hit, the number of posts multiplied, the array of different series got messier, I start-stopped projects and buried them in layers of timelines and identities.

2020 was when my work assumed a petticoat like shape;
Layer upon layer upon layer.
Or story within story within story, like a Russian Matryoshka Doll.

In the process of extracting whole series from that blog (my main blog since 2018), the pandemic years are going to represent the biggest challenge for sure.
They’re going to be what is known in the marathon world as the last 10K, which is to say;
Curating 2020 and 2021 are a race of its own.

So I was happily surprised when scrolling through half a year of blogposts when I did not write for my retro diary (I would pick it up in August 2020/1995) I noticed a draft and clicked it;
It was indeed, an unpublished diary entry.

And boy does it come, on the most inconvenient day!
I already copy-edited three (!) chapters of the diary in the manuscript. They are the first three of “Volume 2, 1995-1996: Dear Nikki”, and the idea that I now had to edit the blogposts to match the improved manuscript;
Share these three here;
And write one of these little publishing posts for them;
Was daunting.

The topics of these three posts were so meaty and stirring so many emotions, the last thing I felt like writing was a publishing post that was “little” and “in service of”!

And it was on that day, I encountered an entire new chapter.

Luckily, it makes a great preface to Volume 2, where it will become the unnumbered opening chapter to this second volume.

And I will be sharing with you the next three chapters later this week.
Gives me a little bit more time as well, to come to grips with it.
Maybe it is for the better this way.

~Lauren/LS Harteveld
An unexamined life is not worth living

* An About section, on this diary project, has been added to the bottom of this post.

since 2018 my official blog is: https://laurenharteveld.com/
This is also where I write my Lauren 1998 diaries.
Plus letters to my coach Sara.

publishing journal is a stand-alone project, written on my oldest blog, which has software I do not master (explaining the light grey or blue color of the links; I cannot (yet?) change this);
And it also does not have a “Subscribe” button, nor would I know how to install one.

But you can follow publishing journal on
Facebook
and
Twitter

This blogpost was about the publishing process of

A letter from a stranger  
diary 1994 – 1996
including book 2, Dear Nikki

There are currently (I may have missed a chapter, which will be added as we go)
13 chapters in book one “A Letter To A Stranger”, 1994-1995,
and 22 chapters in book 2 “Dear Nikki”.
These first two Volumes will be published in one bind, and are expected to be for sale March 2024.

The books I’ll be publishing next are:
1.Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2.I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

All my other diaries and erotica are readily available in my BOOK SHOP

* ABOUT THE DIARY 1994-1996

In summer 2019, I started keeping a fictionalized diary, as a 25 year old younger version of me. Events that happened in 2019 found their way into the diary, translated to their late 20th century reality.
And I also absolutely, intended to LIVE, like it was 1994!
But this is a hard thing to do, I feel I am still (2023) learning there…. but that is my endgame;
To LIVE like it’s the turn of the century.

It was/is an amazing project, and to this day I consider the diary entries it produced on my main blog, my best and certainly my most interesting work, because it combines performance art (living in the 20th century) with diary writing, leaving ample room for fiction.

In 2021, I harvested the diary posts I had so far, with the intention of creating a published diary out of it. Two actually, volume 1 and 2, but I decided to put them in one bind.
But I abandoned the project in spring 2022, losing complete touch with the project….

December 2023, I have picked up publishing this amazing work, of vintage erotica.

After a month, I am finally back to editing my book, and I must say it has been a way more chaotic and timely process to get back into, than I presumed.
But before I take you with me on my current journey, here’s the result.

The updated final chapter of the first volume of my retro diary:
When Your Innocence Dies | 1995 series { final chapter Volume 1, 1994-1995 }

So if, like me, you are disoriented getting back to in this series, the chronology is as follows:

On the last day of 2023 my affair stranded after 9 years, and although he has never committed, and has frequently drifted out of my life, this cut immediately felt more severe, because he moved away.
He sold the condo.

I translated this breakup into my vintage diary series, where it is always 25 years ago. So on 31st of December 1998, Lauren’s lover “Bear” moves away.

In the final month of 2023, I had also started editing and publishing the first two Volumes of this retro diary:
1994-1995 A Letter From A Stranger
and
1995-1996 Dear Nikki

Diaries which also revolve around a breakup; Around our first and only other one, in December 2019, which translated to December 1994.
Today’s updated diary entry was from May 1995, so half a year after our first breakup:
When Your Innocence Dies | 1995 series { final chapter Volume 1, 1994-1995 }

So ironically, because that breakup also happened in a December (2019, time-travel vintage version 1994), this time of getting back on my feet in January and February feel like one big Deja Vu.
Even when the breakup is more painful, because it was not done in friendship. It wasn’t “done” at all. He just left and pretended nothing had changed.
He acted like he owed me nothing after 9 years of not having a recognized relationship and maybe he didn’t.

Still, it was far more hurtful than December 2019, when he showed up to finalize it.

Luckily for me, and for the vintage diary, we did get back together, and the sex became otherworldly good. It was almost like it was worth it, to have things shaken up!

Until February 2023 and upward;
I could feel him withdraw, and we never had sex again. To be finalized on December 31 by him casually mentioning he no longer owned the house, his home away from home, close to where I live.

Eager to not let this get to me, I returned to editing this series as soon as I could.
I did not want to lose touch, publishing these books!
And for a while, it looked like I made it, as I published 3 or 4 posts here, containing 3 or 4 edited diary entries, in January.

Only to then let the publishing drop after all, and now it’s almost Valentines Day.
The hours behind my desk, finding the Word file with the master diary, digging for the blog version of the old diary post, and logging into this very old website for this publishing diary;
It has taken ages, and my mind was scattered.
Even “just” making a Canva took 90 minutes…..

So in retrospect, me muscling through it in January, and thinking I had beat “this thing” called falling off the wagon, because I was sad, was not the end of it.
I would still, drop off the wagon.
I would still, be clueless getting back, and need half a Saturday to copy-edit the chapter in my masterfile, copying it into the old diary post, and then writing this post, a publishing journal post.

It feels so strange to be here now. Lauren Harteveld is not my real name, it is my alterego. It was never invented to cover up for Mr.Big/ Bear: My alias is much older than that.
But because the affair with him was so intense, and I would never have been able to sustain the tension of being a mistress, had I not been able to write about it;
My Lauren Harteveld work, became synonym to my affair to him.

Being on this blog, rereading the diaries?
It all feels like wandering through the empty house of our affair, sorting through boxes of memorabilia.
But they no longer contain life.

I so, so very vividly remember the urgency of writing, when our affair started. Writing was my breath, my shield, and it was my sword.
It became incredibly potent, because my very life was at stake.

Without writing, not only would I not have had these juicy retro diaries, starting in 1994 and running all the way up to January 1999, where Lauren 1999 tells of her lover Bear moving away;
Without writing, I would not have had him, and without him, I would no longer be writing.

I was able to go on the adventure with him, because I had this powerful weapon of the pen. I knew that regardless of how much I was in love, and how many hearts he had broken, that I was not defenseless.

But it wasn’t until long, that the roles flipped;
Instead of needing my pen, to be with him, I started needing him, to be with my pen!
The sword only wielded when it had a worthy adversary, or at least a worthy sparring partner.

Since 2015, my best writing, my most powerful writing, has been the one invoked and inspired by him.

I do not wish for him to return. In particular not, because it was his choice to leave.

But I do wish my hands to remember the power of their sword;
The pen.

~Lauren/LS Harteveld
An unexamined life is not worth living

* An About section, on this diary project, has been added to the bottom of this post.

since 2018 my official blog is: https://laurenharteveld.com/
This is also where I write my Lauren 1998 diaries.
Plus letters to my coach Sara.

publishing journal is a stand-alone project, written on my oldest blog, which has software I do not master (explaining the light grey or blue color of the links; I cannot (yet?) change this);
And it also does not have a “Subscribe” button, nor would I know how to install one.

But you can follow publishing journal on
Facebook
and
Twitter

This blogpost was about the publishing process of

A letter from a stranger  
diary 1994 – 1996
including book 2, Dear Nikki

There are currently (I may have missed a chapter, which will be added as we go)
13 chapters in book one “A Letter To A Stranger”, 1994-1995,
and 22 chapters in book 2 “Dear Nikki”.
These first two Volumes will be published in one bind, and are expected to be for sale March 2024.

The books I’ll be publishing next are:
1.Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2.I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

All my other diaries and erotica are readily available in my BOOK SHOP

* ABOUT THE DIARY 1994-1996

In summer 2019, I started keeping a fictionalized diary, as a 25 year old younger version of me. Events that happened in 2019 found their way into the diary, translated to their late 20th century reality.
And I also absolutely, intended to LIVE, like it was 1994!
But this is a hard thing to do, I feel I am still (2023) learning there…. but that is my endgame;
To LIVE like it’s the turn of the century.

It was/is an amazing project, and to this day I consider the diary entries it produced on my main blog, my best and certainly my most interesting work, because it combines performance art (living in the 20th century) with diary writing, leaving ample room for fiction.

In 2021, I harvested the diary posts I had so far, with the intention of creating a published diary out of it. Two actually, volume 1 and 2, but I decided to put them in one bind.
But I abandoned the project in spring 2022, losing complete touch with the project….

December 2023, I have picked up publishing this amazing work, of vintage erotica.