How a wish to get hooked made me recreate my life

fall in ,love{ originally posted 2017 }

It could have been a productive Monday, if only I had stuck to my plan. But instead of creating new yoga classes and online videos, I wasted it watching dating advice.
I was coaxed into this from two sides.
One was via YouTube.

While watching Yoga with Adriene videos (which I use for my classes and online program) I was only two clicks away from watching my favorite dating coach who had a stash of easily digestible six minute videos.
And the other seduction was my InBox.
Being a pro at procrastination I had decided this Monday was the perfect day to purge my email box, and I stumbled upon two links this dating coach had sent me, because I am on her mailing list.
And I knew that despite their promising titles they would turn out to be empty sales pitches. And that if I clicked the external link to “The one thing men want” or “The three magic questions that will melt any man” that I would lose half an hour or more on a video that did not have a fast forward button or any other option to cut to the chase.
I would have to suffer through all the way-too-familiar stories about men withdrawing and losing interest, and real life examples of the women who managed to change his mind just in time using the technique they had learned from the Method You Could Buy For Only $149 If You Ordered Immediately.
Naturally The one thing men want as well as The three magic questions would not be in the free video.
Being well aware of all this, the fact that I still clicked probably illustrated how desperate I was for the magic pill to my love life, to be distracted from my yoga work, or both. Although I must admit one video did actually give some valuable insights, which I diligently wrote down with the intention to learn them by heart.
This would help to get our affair through this critical stage.
It wasn’t like we were fighting. Initially I had not even noticed something had changed because he gave me just enough attention not to get too worried. But when I had started looking back, and realized I was barely seeing him anymore, my perspective changed.
I could see the best-sex-of-my-life early summer and then him putting me on hold, or as I called it; in sansevieria mode.
I was given just enough water to stay alive.
That’s when I realized I could not afford any mistakes. I would have to stay calm, and use the few moments he contacted me extremely well. Maybe even better than “well”. Maybe I needed to learn new tricks and put more thought into exactly which strategy I was going to use to turn the next little spark of attention into a blazing desire for me.

I even checked my agenda to see if I could block out time to do a training about men that I still had not finished, and that I would probably have to redo completely by now..
No wonder I was losing him!

I had gotten sloppy. And if there is one thing, a secret mistress to a successful business man with complicated marital status and a stressful family situation cannot afford, it’s getting sloppy.
Good thing I found this free video in my email! Just in time! And from now on upleveling my dating skills would be at the top of my agenda.
That is until I thought;
Wait. Just. A. Bloody. Minute.
You see, ten years ago, I ended a long-term relationship because I wanted to start dating. And this was a personal mission for me, because I was haunted by fears that really didn’t allow for any sexual activity with anyone who was not screened inside and out and back. And yet that’s exactly what I desired on an emotional level;
To fall in love with men who were intriguing, borderline untrustworthy.

I knew I was done with garden variety men and the relationships they had to offer.
I wanted adventure.
In order to get myself in the mental shape to be able to enjoy this, I had to overcome a ton of deeply rooted fears, and reinvent myself several times. But every time a new man entered my life, I would catch up more quickly, speeding up the process till I could enjoy his company, until finally – eight years after I had become single – I met my current lover; Mr.Big.
Mr.Big was so high up there on my Scary-As-Fuck scale that the only way to get involved with him, was to root out the last of the fears and phobias that I was still carrying with me.
Mr.Big was the big fat price God put there for me, once I had reached the level of sexual “ease” (this word would make Mr.Big laugh, since he thinks I m the most high maintenance thing out there) I wanted.

And now here I was, almost three years into our affair. And I was seriously considering to block out time, learn new skills, and study the psyche of his species in depth, in order to miraculously turn Mr.Big’s faint interest in me, into something spectacularly wild and fresh.
One thing I have always been really good at, and I do praise myself for this, is before you invest a shitload of money, time and effort, to think about all the things you could also be doing with that investment.
For example: I spend about €50 a week on going out. That’s € 200 a month. Would I rather do this, or spend €200 a month on clothes, save it for a holiday, anything else?
I think €200 a month is a fantastic investment because it’s money invested in seeing friends, movies, having a social life or even a LIFE. I spend a lot of time at home because of Little Cat who does considerably better if I am around. So I am. And for the remaining time of his life, I will never leave him alone for the night anymore.
So the €200 is the price of having a life outside of home. That’s a bargain.
Same with breaking up my long-term relationship and investing all those years overcoming my fears and dating; Good investment. I am now the woman I was set out to be.
But investing hours every day worrying, studying, and luring in, a man who is not even mine to begin with? Someone who, should he choose for me, would cause a lot of grief with his loved ones? There is no way to win that. And no way to justify that investment.
And that’s counting outside the more general worry that it might not be wise idea to invest in someone else, especially not at any moment he or she is not (yet) committed to you. Using the “What else could I be doing with these resources?” line of reasoning, you could acquire anything assuming you would throw the amount of resources at it that I was about to spend on our affair.
Instead of figuring out the three magical questions that would turn his heart to jelly, or how I can make him reclaim his position as the best lover I ever had, I have better things to do.
Just like ten years ago, when I had a clear vision of who I wanted to become – a path that was not tied to any man in particular – I am again putting all my cards on me.
Not on him.

And I tore the pages out of my diary, the notes on how to solve my man trouble. I tossed them out and rewrote;
“I know exactly what I need to do. Fall in love with me. Focus and fuss over my own emotions and mental patterns. Not his. Decide on how I want my life, business and body to look like, and invest everything I ve got into the relationship I ve got with ME.”
So in the end, it was an important and useful Monday, after all.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

How a wish to get hooked made me recreate my life will be published in my new book:
Big Mistress
confessions from the other woman

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