{ originally posted in 2016 }

” I ain’t changing my show.”

”ll give you the options. They just told me that there’s been complaints. That there are simulated orgasms, blah, blah, blah. It’s against their rules and regulations.”

“I am not changing my show.”

“I know you’re not, but can you wait five minutes for me to straighten it out?

“What’s to straighten out?”

“Hopefully we can change their mind.”

” All you have to do is tell them I’m not changing my show.”

Madonna right before the Toronto concert,
from the movie Truth or Dare

The most frustrating thing about reorganizing your business, about choosing your target market, and doing market research, is that 98% of your work will be the wrong direction, will be eliminated, will be obsolete and a dead-end road, no matter how great it looked.
And only 2% will lead to the next step.
And then that too will not work out and your work starts all over again.
The past few days have been the most frustrating experience ever.
So the 2% that looked promising were:
Yoga for professionals, leading to
Yoga for entrepreneurs, leading to
Yoga for men, leading to
A DEAD END ROAD
Dead end road because I would have to stop writing under my sexy pen name because men are unable to focus on yoga if they think of sex all the time, requiring a reversed coming-out on my pen name persona.
This was something a man who would have be my dream client (had it been a sales conversation) pointed out. And it made me realize that he was right. He was right that my writing was a problem if it hadn’t been for one little tiny detail.
(I m gonna yell now)
MEN HAD ALWAYS BEEN A PROBLEM
Not all men. Most men had not. But if there had ever been problems, it had been a man, and it had been because I was a woman.
Years and years before I had my coming out as a sex writer.
In fact, it has not happened since!
So yes, I was irritated when he said I would have to hide “her” again.
But especially since I realized that even if I did that (which would be spiritual suicide) it would never be enough!
I was by definition the wrong person to target middle aged heterosexual newbies.
And if I traced my steps back this was also an obstacle to yoga for entrepreneurs, and yoga for professionals… I was so on the wrong track.
72 hours, and I had absolutely nothing to show for.
Back to the drawing board.
But I couldn’t let it go… not something that I had been so excited about. I love men 40-60! And I can understand perfectly why they refuse to start yoga, if it means taking group classes between singing bowls, women, and Patchouli scented candles.
In one last attempt to make it work, I mused over all the things I would have to do in order to create a neutral, yet powerful and success driven studio, with strong professional boundaries and an impeccable reputation.
1. Move to a fancier studio (starting at four times my current rent) or specialize in house calls.
2. Invest in a killer wardrobe.
3. Stop making cheesy Madonna videos.
4. Stop using these childish Crazy Sexy Cards.
5. Kill my pen persona or at least ban her to the darkest corner of the internet and swallow the key.
In short: I would have to give up everything I love about my work, love about my life, and sell my soul to the devil in exchange for a still not guaranteed baseline income.
And I knew I would hold this against all my future clients.
I had not changed a thing yet, yet I already felt resentful to the bone. I hated them for making me hide my identity, reversing my coming outs, and undoing any and all personal development of the last 25 years, so that yoga would be something they could digest from a teacher that didn’t confuse them with mixed signals.
But more, much more than this tribe of imaginary future clientele, I hated someone else;
I hated myself.
For being a coward. For backing out. Lying. Pretending. For having shame that I liked Madonna, Crazy Sexy Cards, sex, and teaching yoga.
And that I loved my terribly modest but incredible cosy basement studio.
You can’t please everyone, that is for sure. But you don’t need to. In fact I think the idea of doing something to please someone else is probably the root of all evil. For the reasons as mentioned above.
You re giving away power and you will hold that person accountable.
You will create grudges and will stop growing as a person, if you behave inauthentically in order to please someone else.
It’s always better to be resented for something you are, than to be loved for something you re not.
So they’re all welcome; the burned out professionals for relaxing yoga.
The skeptical entrepreneur to find the meaning of life.
And the heterosexual yoga newbie who wants a Rock Star package.
But it will have to be with me. Exactly as I am.
I ‘m not changing my fucking show.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My diaries en erotica are available at my BOOK SHOP

coming soon: new books 

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020