My advice on making babies

BW-1425CosLately I ve been witness to several women who may remain childless, not because they want to get the most out of their sex life slash love life slash soap opera worthy life – as I do, although “porn movie worthy life” would probably be a more accurate description – but because they cannot find the right man.

Some will say it as simple as that:
I want children but I can’t find the right man
Some will keep it up in the air:
I would like to have children if the right man comes along
And with some the man is a phantom, who-shall-not-be-named:
*soft sigh*
“Oh well, I would just looove to have children too.”
*soft sigh again*

What I have learned in all those years of being single, in order to have the most interesting, well-documented life I could possibly imagine, is the stubborn persistence of what I call: 
The Cinderella Complex
It’s the idea that a man will make your life complete. 
Now we’re all familiar with the Cinderella from the fairy tale, who was saved from child labor and slavery by her prince, and with the girls who in the 50s and 60s married a nice boy of the same religion or political color, for the purpose of having babies and living happily ever after.
I think we can all agree fairy tale characters are not really true:
Cinderella was never a real person.
And go ask around how that happily ever after turned out for those women.

My guess is that most of the women of that post war generation would have killed to have all the opportunities young women nowadays have.
To be educated, to have access to housing, to be able to love freely.
And to not be frowned upon if you have “a messy life”.
There is a book even, an American one “In praise of messy lives”, to celebrate the way people live together, much more dynamically than the nuclear family of the 20th century.
When the author visited the Netherlands she was amazed that we already had messy lives that we praised and everyone accepted! I don’t think her book became a bestseller here. But despite our liberal way of thinking, I still find evidence of the ancient Cinderella complex everywhere.
To begin with, in my own mind:
For years I thought learning to enjoy sex fully, to face my demons, grow stronger mentally, etcetera, a GUY was required.
Not just any guy but someone caring, understanding, wise, and really really sexy and good looking of course. He would save me from all my sexual fears and heal all my mental wounds and in his skillful hands I would find lots of pleasure and be sculpted into a sex goddess.
Okay, no pressure! ;)

Because it was “merely” a sexual path I aspired, it took me some time to realize I had just another version of the Cinderella complex. I was NOT taking responsibility for my own needs and wants! I was waiting for someone else to save me, my own sexual prince.
I could forgive myself the mistake, but couldn’t help but think what if I had known this 8 years ago when I became single? Before the heartache and most of all the disappointment that he was never a prince?
I would have been able to enjoy the men for who they were, and the situation for what it was. And deal with my own mental mess, instead of expecting him to fix it or be there for me.

I’m not going to describe all the wonderful ways in which you, lovely gorgeous woman who would make a terrific and responsible mother, can organize your life, and commit yourself to your desire to become a mother. 
But if I would hear someone say: 
I want to have a great lover but I can’t find the right man.
I would like to do a whole sexual bucket list if the right man came along.
*soft sigh*
“Oh well, I would just looove to have a great sex life”
*soft sigh again*

I would ask: What’s keeping you?


My advice on making babies will be published in my new book:
Big Mistress
confessions from the other woman

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