Best. Sex. Ever.

big-carrie2 28 April, 2015

I wrote my first erotic story in English!
I m stepping up my game, obviously.
But this is a story that could use the English abbreviation;
Which means: too much information.
So unless you’re that gay friend who has agreed to listen to all my gore, you have never heard this story.
Because I would never bother you with this.
You re all respectful mommies or struggling daddies (oh yeah…maybe we should tell them poor daddies) and the idea that in a parallel universe women like me have great sex with married men is not something that would deepen our friendship or family bond.
Or that I actively long for the sexual acts that are potentially an endless source for domestic quarrel?
Not helpful.
But maybe after reading the story The Biggie(it has been published in my book Big) you will understand why I need this.
Why sex is so very dear to me.
Why fooling around mindlessly will never be my thing, but neither will settling down and choosing a lifelong partner.
Because I get something out of this.
There is a theory that the more imagination you have, the more love has to offer. 
Yesterday, King’s Day in the Netherlands, I spent the entire day writing erotica, instead of going out. And I judged it to be one of the best holidays ever. That’s what I get out of it.
I have exciting sex, and then I relive it, again and again. I turn it into great stories that I can cherish as my personal memories for ever.
A short while ago I saw Mr. Big again, the lover from the story. There was very little time, and because every sexual encounter of ours has this horrible aftermath (in which we break-up) I judged it unwise to have sex. One hour does not outweigh days of drama. It has to be worth it.
Naturally Mr.Big did not agree and did everything in his power to make me change my mind.
It didn’t work…. And just as he had given up, and he was accompanying me to the door, we passed his bedroom door. Now it’s his condo – his wife doesn’t live there.
But still I found the bedroom a very private matter and I didn’t want to think about who had slept there. Maybe even recently.
He looked at me and said:
“Oh you’ll see it one day. But only after you’re stripped from your last thread of fabric.”
I nearly broke right there and there, hungry for a new adventure.

Best. Sex. Ever. Part 2: The Opus

6 June, 2015 

Nick: How’s your new book coming along?
Catherine: It’s practically writing itself.
~Basic Instinct

It took a while before I recognized it. Sure! I knew writing my first erotic story in English was more difficult than Dutch. And autobiographical erotica was more challenging than plain diary writing. Nevertheless, because my story The Biggie was “merely” erotica, I didn’t really label it particularly positive. I suppose part of me still hopes to evolve into Elizabeth Gilbert who after writing Eat, Pray, Love, settled down with a husband which such vigor that she now judges all her previous romantic involvements as being a waste of time compared to what she could have established if she had focused on her own mind, feeding her spirit.
In all fairness, she was talking about her love life as a teen, but in my opinion that makes it even worse. Out of all my love affairs, the ones I had as a teenager were the most precious. I would never wish to trade that for having read more books, visiting more museums or for speaking fluent Mandarin.

But despite the unlikeliness of ever becoming a serious novelist or self-help writer, I was a tat disappointed that it was yet another sex story. That after writing 22 of them in Dutch I was apparently still not satisfied, still not settled down, and still not Elizabeth Gilbert.   
Until the second story came, Credit.
Just like The Biggie I didn’t write it until weeks after “it” happened. Unlike the events in my diaries, sex seems to take more time to digest before I can put it to paper. More time to transform it into a real story. Where regular diary writing is about everything you do in daily life, giving it a build-in liveliness, erotica is only about sex. For me anyway: I’m not a firm believer in writing three books about one 20 year old confused virgin and one late twenties even more confused millionaire. (I came half-way book 2 of 50 Shades of Grey by the way. Holding the record in my circle of friends.)
Lacking the variety of topics of a regular diary, and not aspiring to become adult novel lengthy – the erotica needed time to condense, to boil down, until all the air and water were removed and with just a little bit of seasoning (also known as “fiction”) the right story came along.  Which brings me to the number one Frequently Asked Question:
Lauren, is it all true?”
Like all my work, and I suppose every author who works autobiographical, the exact order of things is different, the dialogue 50% fictionalized and the setting completely fictional.
In “Credit” we go on a business trip.
As in “abroad”, business trip.
Come on!
Everybody who knows me is aware that I have not been able to leave even the city (because of a sick cat) for over half a year. How on earth could I end up with Mr.Big in London?
So there you go – 100% fiction.
But the general message that is conveyed, is true. There is a man who is having unauthorized sex with me, and I am growing as a lover. Over eight years ago I became single and I can honestly say that this is everything I ever wanted. Not only when it comes to who Mr.Big is (which is a secret), or what we do (which is well documented), but in particular with regard to who I am. Sex is my most important personal development tool, only to be matched by writing.
The hours with Big are both my tool for learning, and my test if I am where I want to be. And even the rest of the “relationship” we have (which means all the awkward communication and will-he-call mind wrecking insecurities) are food for thought and adjustment. I really cannot believe Elizabeth Gilbert expected to learn anything about herself without romantic involvement.
My two biggest breakthroughs have been that contrary to what I have been thinking over the past 8 years, I really do not need a lover “to be there for me”.
Instead I take full responsibility for my problems and issues.
His obligation towards me are to keep things exciting, and to be in a good mood when we meet. Since I got clear on this, we haven’t had problems since.
So there I am. At the peak of Maslow’s sexual pyramid together with a man who I wouldn’t have dared to date 20 years ago, 8 years ago, or maybe even four seasons ago.
I’m with someone (when I feel romantic I secretly think “the only one”) who can fulfill every sexual fantasy I have, and charge it with the magic of being in love. And after 8 years of writing (yes, 8 too) I am an experienced diarist, in both English and Dutch, and a skilled erotica writer.
And that’s when I saw it:
The stories 
The Biggie and Credit amalgamate all my writing experience, all my self-reflection, but also eight years of dating and single sex. It’s everything I learned and achieved, and I can develop it in conjunction even further.
So unless things with Big end prematurely, there is a good chance this series will become the best work I will ever write*. My Magnum Opus, just like Eat, Pray, Love was Elizabeth’s Gilbert’s opus.
And then when this is finished I all have a whole new chance at becoming Oprah’s best friend again.
Although by then, I will be completely blissed out and will probably have stopped caring for things like that.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

* note from the author:
I did continue writing and The Biggie and Credit became the first stories of what I do consider my Opus indeed;
Big, diaries and erotica

My diaries en erotica are available at my BOOK SHOP

coming soon: new books 

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020 

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow my 
English blog which I established in 2018:

Nederlands blog:

Twitter @LSHarteveld