Two be one

“He could make women feel good about themselves but he couldn’t give himself to them;
Because he could not give himself away.”

about Leonard Cohen
from Words of Love

I just saw Words of Love about Leonard Cohen and I m having many thoughts on the ruthlessness of what it means to be an artist.
This wants to come out so badly, I ll be typing the damn thing on my phone although I will clean it up later, when I have time to post it properly.
But God damn.
What powerful truths were spoken.
And I just felt the impossibility of ever finding lasting love. And the magnitude of what you re asking, as a creative, from your muse and lover.
I think the worst scenario would actually be to have one settling down with you, only to then crash under the weight of your art or be torn apart by the storm of your creativity.
But I m getting ahead of myself.

One month ago my lover broke up with me. And although we had a secret affair, and were in that respect the opposite of Leonard and Marianne’s open arrangement;
Ours lasted 5 years, theirs 8.
And although I respect his decision, my feelings for him have not changed.
I could practically see one of us sending a goodbye audio message from a death bed in 30 years.
But again, I m getting ahead of myself.

Marianne and Leonard in Hydra, Greece

Marianne and Leonard in Hydra, Greece

The thing that struck me most was Leonard’s observation that love means you become the content of the other, and the other becomes the content of you.
And my lover has even become my content in the most literal sense; As an online writer, content refers to me writing about him.
Something I really wish I could not do…
I m not just a creative, whose unpredictable life force does not provide stable grounds to build any kind of arrangement;
I will also write about you.
We had a secret affair, so no one knew. And I will keep having secret affairs, to control the damage the mementos of my undying love do, but ideal it is not, says Master Yoda. 

But it is not “just” becoming each other’s content.
Leonard describes that in order for this to work, you need to have the same size. 
You re different.
Feminine, masculine.
Sun and moon.
Yin and yang.
But you have to be equal in size.
Someone smaller than you cannot fill you up, and neither can someone bigger than you.
And that s when I knew Leonard Cohen had just pointed out to me how unlikely it was, that I would ever find love again.
Not just because I write about my love life.
Not just because of the forces of creativity tearing at me, and anyone close to me.
But because HE needs to be just as big as ME.

I ve met new men in the five years we were together, and fell in love twice.
All the others were not a match, and with some I could feel they put me on a pedestal which ruled out any warm feelings from my side.
Whenever I got worked up about something like that I often wondered if a man I did like behave like that, would I like it?
I would immediately fall out of love.
But they never did that, so I stayed in love. Although obviously over the course of my life some men have dropped off the radar, and even the first of the two men, whom I got to know in the past 5 years, is no longer active in my vibration.
But I did not actively fall out of love because they behaved like I was more than they were.
Two men in 5 years who I really liked.
Both in relationships and I suspect not the open Leonard and Marianne type ones.
Mr.Big too, was unavailable, I became his mistress.
Which makes zero available men I fell in love with in 5 years.
But at least thanks to Leonard, I know why that is.
WHY I only meet so few whom I love;
Because we need to be equally big.

The only thing that comforts me is this;
At least they can get out if they want to.
There is no shortage of women interested in confident men of any age. The men I m in love with do not have to settle for me, in fact if they are the settling kind it is very unlikely they will choose me.
Anyone but me.

But it is also a comforting thought that the only way they can find, or have found, real love, is with someone as big and equal in size as them.
We’re in the same boat.
They may not be creatives, and write about their encounters or burden the relationship with unpredictable energies that will eat you both alive;
But this one goes for them as well.
You need to be equal.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My diaries en erotica are available at my BOOK SHOP

coming soon: new books 

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020 

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