The next chapter in the retro 1994 diary*
is the handwritten manuscript of Lauren 1994’s book on consent play.
Every night she wrote in a spiral notebook, until she realized this was turning into a book she didn’t want to write.
But not for the reasons I found triggering today, rereading it!
The first time she mentions having felt so bad she had suicidal thoughts, I immediately thought:
“Oh we’ll take that out, no need triggering people (including myself)”
2018 had been the first year of my then 46 year old life I started having thoughts like this, which were apparently still there in 2019 which I translated into the 1994 diary* project.
And although I took them as a serious sign that something was wrong
– something that would have played out far less dramatic if I had had cats, which was not possible in 2018 – I was also old enough and had always been healthy enough, to understand my life was in all probability not in danger.
However, I had actually forgotten these thoughts were still prevalent in 2019, in a watered-down or catted-down version where they did not have a chance to bottom out completely.
Forgotten, until I read the diary.
“Oh, we’ll get that out”, initial thought.
I remember that at the time of writing it (2019) I worried a lot more about the sexual triggering concepts discussed, and not about the mental health aspect of it.
But rereading it, it was the first thing that stood out.
Fortunately for me, because I did realize it would be OUT of integrity to take this part out of the diary, even if I knew the topic would not return at a later date –
it was impossible to take the triggering topic of the thoughts of the protagonist out of this chapter, without cutting too deep.
Without taking out the heart, of this story.
So it stayed in.
Lauren 1994 concluded that the sexual consent play she had had with Bear throughout their 5 year sexual arrangement, which was on the cusp of breaking up when she starting writing down all elements she thought were relevant to keep and to preserve, untangling and safe-keeping her sexual legacy from their affair;
That the consent play had been part of a much bigger concept.
That the only reason it could exist was because they had such a loose arrangement, formally speaking, that they played a consent game all the time.
Not just between the sheets.
It was a relationship style they had invented, that had facilitated the groundbreaking sex for years.
It was not, a sexual preference you could write juicy books about.
Lauren quit writing her manuscript on consent play, and decided to go all in on becoming a completely renewed, amazing version of herself.
She was still unsure if she would be able to pull that off if it would have to be done without Bear.
But the presence or absence of a book, would be of no import whatsoever.
An unexamined life is not worth living
* An About section, on this diary project, has been added to the bottom of this post.
since 2018 my official blog is: https://laurenharteveld.com/
This is also where I write my Lauren 1998 diaries.
Plus letters to my coach Sara.
publishing journal is a stand-alone project, written on my oldest blog, which has software I do not master (explaining the light grey or blue color of the links; I cannot (yet?) change this);
And it also does not have a “Subscribe” button, nor would I know how to install one.
This blogpost was about the publishing process of
A letter from a stranger
diary 1994 – 1996
including book 2, Dear Nikki
There are currently (I may have missed a chapter, which will be added as we go)
13 chapters in book one “A Letter To A Stranger”, 1994-1995,
and 22 chapters in book 2 “Dear Nikki”.
So with my resolution of giving this project one hour a day, I should be able to share the entire 1994-1996 diary* with you before the end of January 2024.
And it is expected to be for sale March 2024.
The books I’ll be publishing next are:
1.Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2.I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
* ABOUT THE DIARY 1994-1996
In summer 2019, I started keeping a fictionalized diary, as a 25 year old younger version of me. Events that happened in 2019 found their way into the diary, translated to their late 20th century reality.
And I also absolutely, intended to LIVE, like it was 1994!
But this is a hard thing to do, I feel I am still (2023) learning there…. but that is my endgame;
To LIVE like it’s the turn of the century.
It was/is an amazing project, and to this day I consider the diary entries it produced on my main blog, my best and certainly my most interesting work, because it combines performance art (living in the 20th century) with diary writing, leaving ample room for fiction.
In 2021, I harvested the diary posts I had so far, with the intention of creating a published diary out of it. Two actually, volume 1 and 2, but I decided to put them in one bind.
But I abandoned the project in spring 2022, losing complete touch with the project….
December 2023, I have picked up publishing this amazing work, of vintage erotica.