Finding my feet and old breakup journal| publishing journal day 12

As usual, since this IS a publishing journal (not a diary!) (technically!) (meaning I always have a lot to say about everything that happened!) let me first share the chapter of the diary* I edited:

I remember when we met | “1995” series
(with new 2024 art work/ picture)

It is a breakup diary*, taking place in January 1995, where a 22 year old Lauren looks back on her affair with her lover Bear, who broke things off with her in December 1994.

Back to current day, January 2024, and clocking in at .. *checks date previous post* 11 days!
Eleven days, needed to recover from the December 2023 breakup, as described in my last post here, January 1st. And 11 days without working on my book.
Well, for an affair which was broken-up only for the second time in 9 years, dropping out of attending to your most “slow moving”, longterm project of publishing your retro-diaries, is not too bad.

The first few days I had to talk it over, but now I no longer even mention it. It’s like after recovering from the initial shock, my coping seems to be to just pick up life and move forward.

A big difference between my retro diaries, a project I started in 2019 where I started documenting my life in a fictional format of living 25 years ago, and real January 2024 life, is that I am not in my twenties anymore, and that at my age you simply cannot waste that much energy on people making different life choices.
Even if that choice is cutting off what I think will end up being the most thrilling sexual relationship of my entire life, which is considerably longer and richer in experience than 20th century Lauren’s life!

Even then.
Let go.

And let’s say I did have the energy to spend on mourning my loss, the loneliness or even my wounded heart; Why, would I do that?
It was a voluntary choice he made, and in the end I think our loose arrangement was way more ideal for me than it was to him.

I loved having a lover, who represented all that was good about men, about life, and even about me!
I loved our times together.

But to him, as long as I knew him, there has been a deep desire to be a monogamous reliable man. Something he will never have with me, because even if we would be a couple, I would never encourage his monogamy.
Monogamy is my turf, I am so loyal the monogamy was in all probability coded into my DNA, because it’s certainly not backed up by my principal choices.
It just never happens, even when I can be in love with multiple men, and willing to make space for it and explore it.

I know these things now. And since then I know that in my relationships, if I want them to be healthy, there can be only one of us living an introspective predictable life, and that seat is taken.
The arrangement where he did whatever he wanted to, and we dated and had great sex, was an absolute revelation for me.
But it was not what he aspired to be.

So what else can I be but happy that he found a way to structure his life, and who knows our friendship, in a way that he is no longer tempted by me?
And that’s how I feel.

Of course I am bummed out this has been dragging on for over a year, since I have felt something shifting late 2022, and he kept dodging the subject every time I brought it up.
But those things were his choice, and freedom has always been at the heart of our affair.

Including the freedom to take 14 months and end it by casually mentioning the penthouse where we saw each other for 9 years is gone.
Including that freedom.

I don’t know if I can really flatter myself with the thought he had to sell real estate in order to not be tempted to have sex with me.
But it is little more than a fun thought, a good story to tell. Not something that I need to be true in order to be okay with it.

He was not as happy with us as I was, and he removed himself out of our affair to pursue happiness.
May he find it.

~Lauren/LS Harteveld
An unexamined life is not worth living

* An About section, on this diary project, has been added to the bottom of this post.

since 2018 my official blog is: https://laurenharteveld.com/
This is also where I write my Lauren 1998 diaries.
Plus letters to my coach Sara.

publishing journal is a stand-alone project, written on my oldest blog, which has software I do not master (explaining the light grey or blue color of the links; I cannot (yet?) change this);
And it also does not have a “Subscribe” button, nor would I know how to install one.

But you can follow publishing journal on
Facebook
and
Twitter

This blogpost was about the publishing process of

A letter from a stranger  
diary 1994 – 1996
including book 2, Dear Nikki

There are currently (I may have missed a chapter, which will be added as we go)
13 chapters in book one “A Letter To A Stranger”, 1994-1995,
and 22 chapters in book 2 “Dear Nikki”.
So with my resolution of giving this project one hour a day, I should be able to share the entire 1994-1996 diary* with you before the end of January 2024.

And it is expected to be for sale March 2024.

The books I’ll be publishing next are:
1.Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2.I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

All my other diaries and erotica are readily available in my BOOK SHOP

* ABOUT THE DIARY 1994-1996

In summer 2019, I started keeping a fictionalized diary, as a 25 year old younger version of me. Events that happened in 2019 found their way into the diary, translated to their late 20th century reality.
And I also absolutely, intended to LIVE, like it was 1994!
But this is a hard thing to do, I feel I am still (2023) learning there…. but that is my endgame;
To LIVE like it’s the turn of the century.

It was/is an amazing project, and to this day I consider the diary entries it produced on my main blog, my best and certainly my most interesting work, because it combines performance art (living in the 20th century) with diary writing, leaving ample room for fiction.

In 2021, I harvested the diary posts I had so far, with the intention of creating a published diary out of it. Two actually, volume 1 and 2, but I decided to put them in one bind.
But I abandoned the project in spring 2022, losing complete touch with the project….

December 2023, I have picked up publishing this amazing work, of vintage erotica.