Categoriearchief: Big

I can’t believe I didn’t sell that book…

gallery-1453072090-mcdsean-ec180-h (1)I can’t believe it!
For probably a year or so, I ve been shy selling my favorite book.
Big, diaries and erotica

I simply didn’t mention it, and hardly ever linked to it.
Not even last month, when the male protagonist, my lover Mr.Big broke up with me. 

And my shyness didn’t have anything to do with the fact that;
– the description alone is more revealing about me, than any civic-minded respectable author would ever reveal about themselves in their entire career.
JUST the description!
– I feel vulnerable because I have been a mistress/ this mistress, and fear it may one day cost me my life
– this book about the first two years of my affair with Mr.Big is a sad reminder we’re no longer together
– the book is the most in-my-face confrontation, that I need to write about my love life. It’s like written proof of my indiscretion (or written proof that I m a human and a writer, not a Swiss bank) 

All those things are true, and have their own levels of awkwardness attached to them, but the reason I didn’t sell my book about my affair with Mr.Big was because there was an “n” too many, in the description.
It said “an” scarred single, instead of “a” scarred single.
And I just cringed every time I saw that.

I publish my own books at Lulu, and I thought I remembered that every time you adjust something about your book, EVEN if it’s just in the description, you were compelled to buy/order a new copy to “check” it before it was allowed back on the market.
Adjusting my description would cause a delay, maybe it would be blocked until I had “checked” the new edition.
I knew that it could probably be bypassed because they have a really good customer service, but I simply had not come around to do it.
And every time I wrote a piece, I thought:
“I should link to my book about Big!”
Only to then realize, grinding my teeth, I still had not fixed “an” into “a”, and decided I was not going to promote it with the description in this shape.

It’s very late, Sunday. Should be in bed already.
I was writing “fix description Big” on my to do list, and suddenly I was like “Oh to hell. Let’s get this over with.”
I intended to fix it, order a “new copy”, allow the book to be blocked for a few weeks until I had it straightened out: I didn’t care.
I was at the “at any cost” stage, rather than putting something that was 9 months overdue on a to-do list.
Only to the read the sentence: 
“If you only adjusted the description or the price, you can clear the book right away.”

So there you go!
Big is my favorite book probably because it is so personal. I talked myself out of publishing it many times.
With the reasons I gave you before, and things a lot like it.
Even now, I read that description and know what’s in the book, and think:
“I can’t believe I published this.”

But by fixing it, I ve run out of excuses not to sell it ;) 

Big, diaries and erotica

or check the store, with all my books

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

PS: If you are Dutch/Nederlands, your best buy is
“Het Boek Benjamin”
It includes my main 8 books, including 3 Dutch ones
Mango / 22 erotische verhalen/ de Candystop
En natuurlijk “Big, diaries and erotica”

My diaries en erotica are available at my BOOK SHOP

coming soon: new books 

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020 

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow my 
English blog which I established in 2018:

Nederlands blog:

Twitter @LSHarteveld

Porn King

James+Deen+Stoya+Canyons+Premieres+Venice+Q49L_LKLhV0l8 August, 2015

Every time someone asks me how my summer is going, I answer:
“I m not going anywhere”. 

No days off or weeks on holiday.
And yet, I have this feeling I m overlooking something, because I feel as if I just got back from a 7 week surfing holiday in the bay of Biscay.
I clearly must be overlooking something…
And then it hit me! Of course! I ve started on my sexual bucket list with Mr.Big and his performance proved to be above any expectations. 

“You’re now dating a porn king,” a friend said. 
It was a compliment that at the same time indicated I shouldn’t be making any plans. Porn kings are not relationship material. Yet the thought rooted in my brain, and developed a whole new line of thinking.
First, let me admit I made a mistake, dropped the ball, neglected my defenses, that sort of thing:
I told Mr.Big I m in love with him, and that I would make him mine the moment he leaves his wife.
Uh oh.  That’s two things you should not do if you want a chance at winning or even surviving dating a player: To show your weak spots AND share your strategy.
But I did mean it.
The sexual bucket list hardly ever came to table with the other men, in the eight years I had been dating. I had started to believe that garden variety sex was all there was.
I used to have so much more potential and Mr.Big reminded me of that.
And to then think that in the beginning I resisted him!
I refused to answer The Call of him and me becoming lovers.
I remember a conversation, very vividly, where I told Biggie I would not date him because he was a “Major League player”, and would break my heart, and so on.
Until I went home and thought;
“Wait a minute!! I have devoted 8 years to my love life and sex life. And then I finally meet a worthy opponent and I say boo hoo hoo, you’ll break my heart?
Then for what have I been training?
If I m not ready to date in the Major League, then which woman is? I can’t possibly let a 20 year old take my place!”
So I went back in, faced Mr. Big, and said:
“Bring. It. On.”
And he did.
And a few months later, we were doing things from my bucket list.
Sure I wanted him to be my man; Who wouldn’t want to put a ring on that.
But when someone said:  “You’re dating a porn king,”
Followed by: “You’re his equal. If you want, he’ll keep you on as a mistress, regardless of his other relationships.”
The friend said not to underestimate the power of the forbidden;
Our affair had the potential to last a lifetime.
And I had never thought of it that way.
I had always approached it as a game, where the last woman standing would win. And me admitting my feelings to him, was not well played, but that our affair could result in a life long tie? I had never considered that.
For days, I kept thinking about it. How were we playing this game? Where were my advantages, and my weaknesses?
I reconsidered the role of his wife.
I had always seen her as my opponent, but now I saw it was a lot more complicated than that. That her presence was actually working for me, not against me. She was keeping him cornered. Sure, Mr.Big could still move around, and enough to fit in a secret mistress.
But nevertheless, his range of motion would be far greater, if he didn’t have his family to attend to.
If she was taken out of the game, he would be set free, and there was no telling for which team he would be playing or in which hoop he would score.
Secondly: what do I want out of this?
Contrary to Mr.Big I am extremely good with relationships. They’re harmonious, cozy, fun. And this goes for all my relationships. I have excellent credentials.
Yet what I want out of this, more than anything, and what Mr.Big is offering me where all the others failed, is a sexual partner in crime to work down that bucket list with.
To make up new things.
Of course I would love to really get to know Mr.Big, but I have a far 
better shot at getting what I want (great sex) if I leave the whole relationship theme out of it.
Porn King.
You’re his equal.
And that’s when it happened. That’s when the whole King and Queen dream came right back in, as the relationship between the biggest porn stars:
Stoya and James Deen.
Just think about it: who else are they going to date, right? Who would hold up?
Who else would be equal?
Suddenly I saw that seeing a relationship with Big as impossible, or him as too difficult, was just as chicken as backing out to date him. I am his sexual equal and have that impressive rep sheet of 100% harmonious relationships. If I m not ready to have a relationship with him, then who is?
I m in it to win it. I m gonna work the whole field, score in the right hoop, and if the court is cleared, and the new match starts, I won’t retreat but step up and say:
Bring. It. On.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My diaries en erotica are available at my BOOK SHOP

coming soon: new books 

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020 

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow my 
English blog which I established in 2018:

Nederlands blog:

Twitter @LSHarteveld


Best. Sex. Ever.

big-carrie2 28 April, 2015

I wrote my first erotic story in English!
I m stepping up my game, obviously.
But this is a story that could use the English abbreviation;
Which means: too much information.
So unless you’re that gay friend who has agreed to listen to all my gore, you have never heard this story.
Because I would never bother you with this.
You re all respectful mommies or struggling daddies (oh yeah…maybe we should tell them poor daddies) and the idea that in a parallel universe women like me have great sex with married men is not something that would deepen our friendship or family bond.
Or that I actively long for the sexual acts that are potentially an endless source for domestic quarrel?
Not helpful.
But maybe after reading the story The Biggie(it has been published in my book Big) you will understand why I need this.
Why sex is so very dear to me.
Why fooling around mindlessly will never be my thing, but neither will settling down and choosing a lifelong partner.
Because I get something out of this.
There is a theory that the more imagination you have, the more love has to offer. 
Yesterday, King’s Day in the Netherlands, I spent the entire day writing erotica, instead of going out. And I judged it to be one of the best holidays ever. That’s what I get out of it.
I have exciting sex, and then I relive it, again and again. I turn it into great stories that I can cherish as my personal memories for ever.
A short while ago I saw Mr. Big again, the lover from the story. There was very little time, and because every sexual encounter of ours has this horrible aftermath (in which we break-up) I judged it unwise to have sex. One hour does not outweigh days of drama. It has to be worth it.
Naturally Mr.Big did not agree and did everything in his power to make me change my mind.
It didn’t work…. And just as he had given up, and he was accompanying me to the door, we passed his bedroom door. Now it’s his condo – his wife doesn’t live there.
But still I found the bedroom a very private matter and I didn’t want to think about who had slept there. Maybe even recently.
He looked at me and said:
“Oh you’ll see it one day. But only after you’re stripped from your last thread of fabric.”
I nearly broke right there and there, hungry for a new adventure.

Best. Sex. Ever. Part 2: The Opus

6 June, 2015 

Nick: How’s your new book coming along?
Catherine: It’s practically writing itself.
~Basic Instinct

It took a while before I recognized it. Sure! I knew writing my first erotic story in English was more difficult than Dutch. And autobiographical erotica was more challenging than plain diary writing. Nevertheless, because my story The Biggie was “merely” erotica, I didn’t really label it particularly positive. I suppose part of me still hopes to evolve into Elizabeth Gilbert who after writing Eat, Pray, Love, settled down with a husband which such vigor that she now judges all her previous romantic involvements as being a waste of time compared to what she could have established if she had focused on her own mind, feeding her spirit.
In all fairness, she was talking about her love life as a teen, but in my opinion that makes it even worse. Out of all my love affairs, the ones I had as a teenager were the most precious. I would never wish to trade that for having read more books, visiting more museums or for speaking fluent Mandarin.

But despite the unlikeliness of ever becoming a serious novelist or self-help writer, I was a tat disappointed that it was yet another sex story. That after writing 22 of them in Dutch I was apparently still not satisfied, still not settled down, and still not Elizabeth Gilbert.   
Until the second story came, Credit.
Just like The Biggie I didn’t write it until weeks after “it” happened. Unlike the events in my diaries, sex seems to take more time to digest before I can put it to paper. More time to transform it into a real story. Where regular diary writing is about everything you do in daily life, giving it a build-in liveliness, erotica is only about sex. For me anyway: I’m not a firm believer in writing three books about one 20 year old confused virgin and one late twenties even more confused millionaire. (I came half-way book 2 of 50 Shades of Grey by the way. Holding the record in my circle of friends.)
Lacking the variety of topics of a regular diary, and not aspiring to become adult novel lengthy – the erotica needed time to condense, to boil down, until all the air and water were removed and with just a little bit of seasoning (also known as “fiction”) the right story came along.  Which brings me to the number one Frequently Asked Question:
Lauren, is it all true?”
Like all my work, and I suppose every author who works autobiographical, the exact order of things is different, the dialogue 50% fictionalized and the setting completely fictional.
In “Credit” we go on a business trip.
As in “abroad”, business trip.
Come on!
Everybody who knows me is aware that I have not been able to leave even the city (because of a sick cat) for over half a year. How on earth could I end up with Mr.Big in London?
So there you go – 100% fiction.
But the general message that is conveyed, is true. There is a man who is having unauthorized sex with me, and I am growing as a lover. Over eight years ago I became single and I can honestly say that this is everything I ever wanted. Not only when it comes to who Mr.Big is (which is a secret), or what we do (which is well documented), but in particular with regard to who I am. Sex is my most important personal development tool, only to be matched by writing.
The hours with Big are both my tool for learning, and my test if I am where I want to be. And even the rest of the “relationship” we have (which means all the awkward communication and will-he-call mind wrecking insecurities) are food for thought and adjustment. I really cannot believe Elizabeth Gilbert expected to learn anything about herself without romantic involvement.
My two biggest breakthroughs have been that contrary to what I have been thinking over the past 8 years, I really do not need a lover “to be there for me”.
Instead I take full responsibility for my problems and issues.
His obligation towards me are to keep things exciting, and to be in a good mood when we meet. Since I got clear on this, we haven’t had problems since.
So there I am. At the peak of Maslow’s sexual pyramid together with a man who I wouldn’t have dared to date 20 years ago, 8 years ago, or maybe even four seasons ago.
I’m with someone (when I feel romantic I secretly think “the only one”) who can fulfill every sexual fantasy I have, and charge it with the magic of being in love. And after 8 years of writing (yes, 8 too) I am an experienced diarist, in both English and Dutch, and a skilled erotica writer.
And that’s when I saw it:
The stories 
The Biggie and Credit amalgamate all my writing experience, all my self-reflection, but also eight years of dating and single sex. It’s everything I learned and achieved, and I can develop it in conjunction even further.
So unless things with Big end prematurely, there is a good chance this series will become the best work I will ever write*. My Magnum Opus, just like Eat, Pray, Love was Elizabeth’s Gilbert’s opus.
And then when this is finished I all have a whole new chance at becoming Oprah’s best friend again.
Although by then, I will be completely blissed out and will probably have stopped caring for things like that.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

* note from the author:
I did continue writing and The Biggie and Credit became the first stories of what I do consider my Opus indeed;
Big, diaries and erotica

My diaries en erotica are available at my BOOK SHOP

coming soon: new books 

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020 

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow my 
English blog which I established in 2018:

Nederlands blog:

Twitter @LSHarteveld

Enter the Dragon. Why I ALMOST pulled my most controversial book from being published


Basic Instinct 2 Risk Addiction

I considered leaving the URL at the original, just to show you how close I was;
 Why I’ve pulled my most controversial book from being published
The only reason I didn’t finish that blogpost was because I had to leave. It frustrated me. I was eager to finalize the decision as soon as possible. I would throw the manuscript Big, about my affair with a married man and everything I learned along the way, back into the virtual drawer from which it came, and get on with the other seven books of the Wait Worth 8. Those were all written years ago. Even the erotica I may have been embarrassed about at the time, didn’t trigger any emotions or shame anymore. I could easily read, explain and defend the first seven books I had written since leaving my long term relationship.

I had stepped out of my relationship, age 34, to build a successful life being single and to conquer my fears. Or to start dating men that excited me, despite of those fears. The seven books were also about Benjamin, who was a novel character in book one, and a muse in all the other belated “coming-of-age” diaries. The thought of dropping the final book freed up a lot of energy. Not only would I not have to deal with the feeling of danger and anxiety, attached to that last book. I had also cleared up my messaging. From something that was still secret, controversial and ambiguous, to two story lines that had been rounded up for years; me becoming single and the story of my muse Benjamin.

The only thing that bugged me, as I cycled to my appointment, was that I had not been able to finish the blogpost to put Big into a deep comatose sleep, from which I would wake it when the time was right. Big would be kissed awake after I knew how the story had ended, the situation was under control and the content had lost its ability to unexpectedly blow up in my face.

Until it started to dawn on me that something about the whole situation of me running away and saying no to anxiety, dismantling danger and planning away uncertainty, was terribly familiar.
I had been here before.
When Mister Big had shown interest in me, and I had refused in no uncertain terms that I would never get involved with him because he oozed danger. Not a violent sort of a danger. A manipulative, charming quality, that could cut through your defenses like butter, and leave your heart open and bare.
Until I realized that this was The One. The lover I could only have if I would conquer all my fears. He would be my ultimate test and prize at the same time. I would only be able to enjoy him, if I had control over the desire to be reassured, and over the urge to root out any danger.
There was no room for that.

Big did offer something else. And I think it’s important to explain what makes him, just like a lot of other “bad guys” so irresistible; he offered desire. He wanted me and he did not accept my rejection. It was clear from the start, that he would charm, wait and tease for as long as it would take for me to change my mind. He was such a powerful suitor compared to the majority of men who don’t have the confidence to carry themselves, and don’t have the talent to remain unmoved by a rejection. Even if I had not been on an eight year quest for an exciting lover, his desire for me, and his ability to stand the heat, would probably have won me over anyway. Even if I had wanted a committed guy in order to get married, something he would never offer, I would have changed my plans right then and there.
And I think a lot of women would be with me on that.
To be loved by a strong man, is one of the most empowering experiences in the world. And any woman already aware of her own power, and tired of downplaying herself, will be attracted to the alpha male like a Queen Bee to honey.

I’m not talking gold digging here. Gold diggers are women who are in it for the status and the financial gain. A Queen Bee is a strong woman who feels excited because a man can stand her strength. He is irresistible to her because he is her equal.
There is a Dutch journalist Heleen Mees, and she was pointed out to me, as someone who more than likely played at that level too. That the reason she dated a banker was not because she was interested in his money, although yes, money and power were his weapons of control. The reason the two excited each other was because she could defend herself, or attack him, with the pen and the media. It was literally the mating of dragons, that would only last for as long as they had a shared agenda. But she could destroy him, and he could destroy her. And I think it was this equality that made it such an exciting journey for both. I seriously doubt if she has stepped down her game. Maybe he did, because he was already more, let’s call it “drunk with power”, when they met. She was the newbie to play at that level. And although he won all legal battles, it has cost him and his family their privacy, and years of what could have been a peaceful family life. He overplayed his hand. My guess is he will never start something with a woman like that again. Whereas she? I can’t see her stepping down her game. She’s probably with the next banker already, who longs for a worthy opponent.

I realize that by bringing in Heleen Mees – and I could also refer you to Sharon Stone aka Catherine Tramell in Basic Instinct I and II – I’m not exactly playing the sympathy card here. And until a few days ago I would never have seen myself as a thrill seeker in any any way.  I view myself as someone with a weak nervous system, haunted by fears and insecurities. I praise myself for having harmonious relationships. I can’t remember ever fighting a battle with someone I love. I protect the marriage of my lover, and his secret that he’s seeing me, as if it was my own. And I would never involve his family into any disputes we would have.
So unlike Catherine Tramell, who kills you when she’s done with you, or Heleen Mees, who will ruin your life, my personality is absolutely different to theirs in the sense that I can’t see myself actually doing harm.
And here’s the but.
The thought that I have that power, and that he needs to behave and can’t afford to screw me over? Of course I need that. I’m not going to fall in love, and give my whole heart and emotional commitment without knowing that there is some kind of safety net here.
It’s not that I intend to have “revenge” if he dumps me. Not at all. Part of me even longs for that, because at least my life would be a whole lot easier, and I can finally have a breather. Sometimes I do feel all this secrecy is taking a toll I can’t afford for much longer.
So no fucking way I would make him “pay” when he breaks up.
But to have the weapons pen, blog, and book? That’s basic equipment when you’re dealing with dragons. Otherwise I know beforehand I’m gonna be toast.

And then there was something else. Although I can feel the burden of being a secret mistress, and I still don’t know if my nervous system really is up for the job, at the same time I don’t feel anything when I think of a man being devoted to me, and choosing monogamously for me and then expecting me to be thrilled about that. Under those circumstances I figuratively speaking, can’t get it up. I am now the mistress of a dragon, and yes I could marry a dragon, or have a one-on-one relationship with a dragon.
But the thought of the dragon being downsized to a harmless pet iguana, and then me being thrilled with my new pet? Not going to happen.

So over the years I’ve learned that although I’m not as aggressive as Catherine Tramell, or Heleen Mees, I do need that thrill of a real dragon. I simply don’t feel any excitement unless there is danger and secrecy attached to it.
I remember when I told Big that I liked the idea of him seeing other women, he said with disgust; “You mean, like we would have an open relationship or something?”
And I assured him I would never propose such an unsavory agreement. Because an open relationship lacks the secrecy, the excitement of the forbidden. The risk that neither one of us can ever be certain that I will be okay with Big cheating. That I will really love it as much as I think I do. I saw a photo on Twitter the other day with a woman smelling a man’s naked crotch, and the text;
“The thought of you coming home smelling of another woman is so fucking hot.”
And my knees got weak just thinking about how good that would feel. Not because we would have an open relationship, and Big would tell me all about his affairs. But because Big would tell me just what I wanted to hear to get me excited. He would know exactly how to work that cheating character trait of his, which I think is intrinsically him. Not the result of his wife not being the right one or anything like that. It would spice up our sex life and keep me interested for a lifetime.
So as much as I can feel the strain of danger, secrecy and uncertainty, I know I need it. The danger of the dragon excites me and there is just no way a pet iguana is ever going to do it for me.

The whole process  took me two years. From me running away from Big, to expecting and hoping he would leave his wife, to me fully embracing my role as a mistress and protecting the current status quo like a hawk.
And it’s all on paper in a book called Big. I’ve already published
part 1 The Affair, erotica 
part 2 The Virgin Diaries

part 3 Trickster is currently under review. It’s the only part I wrote offline, and has never been edited as seriously as I do when I post a blogpost. So it needs a terrible amount of work. Good news is the whole painstaking experience will ensure I won’t be writing offline ever again, because it is driving me bonkers to go over such a large piece over and over again.
part 4 and 5 are The 100 Day Tutelage of Hsi Lai and the final part of my erotica.
And then the book is finished.

As part of my daily journaling routine I made a list of goals I wanted to accomplish, and reasons why I would not achieve those goals. Which negative beliefs did I have about achieving them, that could lead to me to sabotage myself?

The goal “Publish my eight books” came up with a daunting list of bad things that would happen, including getting stalked, losing Big and getting killed. This shocked me and I made an attempt to pinpoint where these existential fears came from. I analyzed they were all linked to the eighth book. They were all related to Big. All the other books were such a long time ago. I couldn’t even be bothered if people responded overly critical or took it out on me personally.
But book eight was a different story. Book eight was alive. Book eight was an untamed dragon whose character I didn’t know yet, but who would set fire to my life the moment someone stepped on its tail, or rubbed his scales the wrong way. Bringing this dragon into the public eye, meant both spectators as well as the dragon could get hurt, or could be killed. In every and all ways, it would be a stressful experience for me. Something I wouldn’t be able to cope with.

So that’s when I made the decision to pull book eight back from publishing. In a few years it would be just as harmless as book 1-7. It would be declawed, and would listen to my command. People would be able to admire its beauty without coming in armed and eager to fight me. Or us. I was absolutely certain I had made the right choice to pull Big from being published. Pity I didn’t have time to finish the blogpost announcing its retreat.

Until two things suddenly dawned on me. First thing was I was making a decision based on fear. Fear is a questionable adviser under all circumstances but especially in this particular case. I had ran away from being single until I was 34, because it scared me. I had ran away from Big because he scared me. And those two fears had been the primary indicator I was onto something huge. Something fundamental for my personal growth. That even if I would become successful in every other way, I would always know I had missed my true calling by running away from those two things that scared me. I could feel the first signs of an anxiety attack just thinking about having sex as a single. Or just thinking about having sex with someone as Big. I never thought I would have the nerve to do it.
And yet I knew it was especially because of that, that I had to do it! These fears were like dragons; mighty and potentially lethal beasts. But also rare and the strongest allies you could wish for. I wanted to make my peace with them. If I would learn to trust and befriend my fears, I would be able to fly. I was certain of it. Nothing would compare to that feeling of invincibility.  Especially not staying safely on the ground.

And that’s when I recognized him. That’s when I saw book eight Big, was my third dragon. And his lethal power wasn’t hiv, the thing that had scared me most about being single. It wasn’t a broken heart and an emotional melt down, which was the risk I ran with Big every day. The third dragon itself was not even the real danger, since I was now an experienced dragon rider. I knew how to handle him, even though I was still excited by the novelty of it.
The risk of the third dragon was the response others would have to him. And to me, keeping me responsible for creating him or for bringing him in.
I could be slayed by public opinion for choosing the side of the dragon and I could be expelled by Mister Big because he didn’t want such dangerous animal near himself and his family. I didn’t fear the book itself. My fears were based on what other people would think of me. For having the heart to publish a book about an affair that is still a breathing living thing, with people, and emotions, and whole families involved.

World famous performance artist Marina Abramovic once said;
“Always choose the project that scares you most.”
And boy, was she right!
From an artistic point of view, book 8 is THE ONE! And if I had to choose, I would have to drop book 1-7 because I have no emotional attachment to them anymore. They’re more relics of a lost era, than art. They were art then. When I wasn’t ready to bring them to the public eye because they still hurt, and they still had risks and embarrassing emotions tied to them.

With me pulling book eight back, almost forcefully as if I literally couldn’t wait to get rid of it, it became clear that this book was the artist’s choice. This was the one Marina would favor immediately. Marina, as a performance artist, understood much more than the average writer that something was not art unless it scared the fuck out of you.

Big, erotica and diaries, book eight of the Wait Worth eight, still scares the fuck out of me. It could bite me in the ass so hard, it would really hurt or damage me for life. But I m choosing it with all my heart. And in doing so it will be published, with the rest of them.
No more hiding. No more apologies. No more self-sabotage.
And enter the dragon.


Read what’s ready over here;
Big part 1 The Affair, erotica 
Big part 2 The Virgin Diaries 

I ll publish part 3,4, and 5 soon. Subscribe to my private list, if you re interested in buying my books at a discount as soon as they’re done. I m also starting a Wait Worth 8 reading course, where we all read the books together – for free if you like – and I provide extra background stories, make videos and just generally spice the whole experience up for you.
The Wait Worth 8 reading marathon (better title definitely required) will also be hosted through the private list.